Showing posts with label do not wish to sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label do not wish to sleep. Show all posts

Saturday, January 31, 2009

My take on a transphobic trope

I've been thinking on this transphobic trope that gets thrown out: being trans* and/or medically transitioning as a type of self-harm and/or removing “healthy” tissue.

Sometimes this is expressed in a more more subtle manner: concern-trolling about poor lesbians and/or masculine girls who might get confused and transition, people who are anti- certain body modifications comparing medical transition to those body mods, or even throwing out a comment about how trans-related surgeries don't look/function well.
Sometimes, they are very, very obvious: talking about chopped up or mutilated bodies, outright saying that ev0l doctors and trans* people are coercing lesbians/butches into transitioning, that we're just delusional freaks, or that trans* people are like anorexic folks and medical transition is like liposuction or gastric bypass surgery.

First of all, compare a transphobe's thoughts on how being trans* is self-harm to a homophobe's view that being queer is self-harm.
There really won't be too many differences.
Usually the transphobe will say something about how patriarchy/Satan/etc causes trans* people to Not Be Good Cis* people or how in a more godly/feminist/etc world there would be less of us. Replace trans* with queer and cis* with straight and you have a homophobe's thoughts.
Compare “transitioning is harmful and it's wron
g to remove healthy tissue!” to a homophobe's thoughts on how queer sex is Dangerous and Bad For You.
They sound the same and they are both just as wrong.

If you believe the notion that being trans* is self harm that means you believe there is something wrong with being trans*; that it is right and natural to be cis*.
It follows that you believe it is better to stop trans* people from being trans* (or, openly being trans*) than it is to remove transphobia and cissexism.
Because, in this view, transphobia and cissexism are good, right, normal, and natural
; after all, if we didn't mess up your perfect world we wouldn't get hurt.
Sure, you'll say that they don't want people to be h
urt, but then...as long as we just shut up you don't ever have to think about it, now do you?

Or, as Cedar says, “Society’s myth of universal cissexuality *is* incredibly fragile, and has to be protected at all times–but what has to be done is not to create a stronger foundation (which they never ever do) but to disrupt any other conversation that’s happening.

Yes, being trans* can be difficult.Yes, there are a lot of dangers out there for trans* people.
But, removing transphobia and cissexism will remove most of those difficulties and dangers; really, the only ones intrinsic to being trans* are body dissonance, gender disphoria, and things like depression that result from denial and such.
Medical transition usually removes the body dissonance. Living as your actual gender, without discrimination and harassment, will take care of the issues caused by pretending to be the wrong gender; having your loved ones and social circle gender you correctly will as well. Therapy will take care of whatever that doesn't; talking through issues that childhood denial caused (and childhood denial should happen less often in a world without transphobia), therapy or anti-depressants should help with depression, etc.
So, since in a world without transphobia there would be few, if any, major difficulties or dangers to being trans*, being trans* is really not all that intrinsically harmful--it's the cis* world's cissexism and transphobia that are the problems.


I suppose to someone out there in the world there is some knee-jerk validity to the idea that you shouldn't perform surgery on healthy tissue...
But, you have to look at what you are considering healthy tissue and on how you are defining words like harm, needed, unnecessary, etc.
Is tissue that you feel, deeply and instinctively, to not even belong to you really all that healthy?
Is psychological pain not considered harm?
Should a person have to attempt all sorts of therapy and mental gymnastics to accept how their body is currently shaped instead of having surgery or hormones?
Is the former not as harmful as the latter?
Is removing psychological distress unnecessary?
Do you think that people can just ”get over it”, “cheer themselves up”, or ignore anything that isn't purely physical?
Well?
Well, I would say, that is someone needs to medically transition then whatever hormones or surgery they have are needed and necessary.
(personally, I do not have issues with body mods or other “unnecessary” surgeries, so if a trans* person who doesn't need to medically transition wants to, I have no issues with that. But I think that may be a little off-topic, I just wanted to make that clear...)


Sometimes you get people, sometimes well meaning but sometimes mean spirited, bringing up the actual or supposed limitations of medical transition: “Why would you want to have a penis that doesn't function?” “Aren't you afraid of looking like a freak?” “Wouldn't you rather keep your body how it is than worry about what sort of health complications transition could bring?” “But you're such a pretty girl?”
First of all, what is functional, working, pretty, etc is defined by the individual. Like how you hear a lot of static about how ugly and nonfunctional phalloplasty is, yet every guy I've heard from who actually had it loves the results.
Honestly, I don't see anything “freakish” about trans* people's bodies. Our bodies, no matter what medical treatments we have or have not chosen to have, are not freakish or ugly or disgusting. A lot of people have scars. A lot of people have had invasive surgeries to improve their quality of life; there is nothing disgusting or ugly about it.
Everyone has different preferences for facial features and the like; some people find “feminine” looking men (trans* and cis*) attractive, some people find “masculine” looking women (again, trans* and cis*) attractive. We will be attractive to some people out there; moreover, attractiveness is not the be and end all of happiness.
We also weigh the health consequences carefully. Yeah, when we choose to take hormones or have surgeries we gain a greater likelihood of some complications, but there are usually complications to not having those procedures as well.
Remember, how are you defining healthy? I'd say not-suicidal yet at a greater risk of heart problems is a hell of a lot healthier than being so depressed you can't take care of yourself and constantly try to kill yourself.

It's not like we jump into medical transition without thinking.
For instance, I've seen a few trans* guys who've had to come to terms with their beliefs about what constitutes healthy tissue and unneeded medical procedures and their need for surgery. Some suggested that trans* folks wrestling with these feelings think through it like I did above. Others said that they had had a dialogue with their body; telling their chest or uterus how while there may not be anything wrong with them, they simply didn't belong on their body, how much they needed this surgery, etc.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the trans*folks that had/have these feelings; we live in an ableist and transphobic world after all. But I do think we should examine these feelings and decide what are our ethical beliefs and what is just internalized shit.


There's also this idea that “1950's psychologists" invented trans*ism as a way to make queer and gender-nonconforming folks into straight conforming folks. Check out any decent history on trans*ism or trans* people, The History of How Sex Changed, Transgender History, etc, and that trope will be proven wrong.
Trans* people would comb through science/medical journals, write to the few drag/trans* newsletters, write to Christine Jorgenson, etc. begging for information on how to transition and who to go to. Women would take BC pills and other forms of estrogen and then go to doctors and say they were intersex. Even now we still have to work to get any help medically transitioning at all.
And ya know, we really don't seek out questioning people to convert to our Dangerous Lifestyle; our communities constantly have trans* people just coming out of denial coming to us asking for information and help.
Whenever I've seen people ask for help in figuring out their gender and what path is right for them, I always see people tell them that there are a number of possibilities and only they themselves can figure out who they are and what is right for them (though, yes, books and therapists and talking to others can help).


Though this trope is often thrown out too, I really don't want to address “butch flight” because I was never butch or involved in any lesbian/womens communities--but Gauge wrote a great piece.


There is also the ableist idea that being in an unaltered (“natural”) body is more moral/better than being in an altered (“unnatural”) body. --This feeds into the idea that our differences mean we are defective and wrong and need to be cured or eradicated.
There is the idea that being trans* is caused by some defect in us; whether a defective uterus that gave us the wrong dose of hormones, a defective brain that makes us hallucinate, or a society that gives us defective socialization. While some forms of trans*ism may be caused by hormones in the uterus or brains that are shaped differently or whatnot, this is not a defect (seriously, natural variations in populations do occur!).

(Eli Clare has written a few things on the similarities and intersections of trans*ism and disability much better than I ever could)

A lot of times when transphobic people are “discussing” trans*ism or trans* people they will compare us to people with schizophrenia, OCD, or otherwise unnamed “mental illnesses” or “delusions”. They will talk about how we don't give in to their delusions, so why should we treat trans* people any differently? They may even decide we should all be institutionalized or forced to take medication instead of being allowed to transition.
This is, by the way, true even if you ignore the times we are called crazy, insane, psychopaths, nutjobs, etc.
(I don't really know where I'm going with this point exactly, I just don't think this trend should be ignored. Maybe someone who has a better understanding of ableism would like to look into it, I really don't feel knowledgeable enough to do so.)

ETA: Cedar's poem Diseased is amazing.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Camp Trans is made of win

As I said before, CT was awesome.
Michfest is no longer it's main thing, though certainly its still important to CT. The "WBW"(such a BS phrase) policy is pretty much unenforced and it seems like the majority of festies either don't care if trans* women are there or want trans* women there. In fact, some festies who left early left their wristbands with CT for trans* women to get in and another festy donated money for tickets for trans* women. I missed the days we walked the line, but I heard that reception was mixed which is pretty normal. Though there were some folks that didn't talk to any negative people at all.
The mtf-spectrum folks who went to fest all had a good time, they even hosted a workshop on ENDA. One woman I talked to said that one festie she had spoken with in the line recognized her and came over and said hi and was very glad that she had made it into fest.

There was some bad news. A fest van crashed and, while I'm not sure about details, apparently one fest goer died. When we learned of this, as a community, we immediately decided to get flowers and bring them to the gates. So the next day folks donated money and a few campers went to town to get the flowers. According to those that brought the flowers, the gate keepers were very grateful and I guess there were tears and hugs all around.

Getting back to CT...
I was completely in love with the trans*-centric space there. When we introduced ourselves we gave both our names and our preferred pronouns. Everyone I spoke to respected the gender identities of the others. I can't really put into words how awesome this felt.
It was literally the first time I ever felt really, really safe and not on the defensive in regards to my gender. It was the first time I felt that complete strangers would respect my maleness without me having to hide my transsexuality.
It was just utterly amazing to go somewhere and not second-guess myself and distrust the folks around me (in regards to my gender).

There were all sorts of genders represented; people who identified within the traditional binary to people who couldn't fit into it if they tried. There were butch mtf-spectrum folks; fem ftm-spectrum folks (besides me, though I wasn't feeling all that fem while I was there); and all sorts of flavors of androgynous folks. There were people who didn't use pronouns; some who didn't care what pronouns you used; there were folks who got very offended (rightfully so) if you didn't use the right pronouns.
And there wasn't any excuse for using the wrong pronouns; not only did folks introduce themselves with their pronouns, but it was perfectly acceptable and welcome to ask someone which they prefer. And I say this as someone who did accidentally use the wrong pronouns a few times; and I too don't have any excuse--all I could do was apologize and work to not fuck up again.
But yeah, just being around so many awesome trans* folk and making friends with them and really finally understanding that I'm not alone was just amazing. I really recommend going if you are trans*--especially if you don't know a lot of trans* folk yet. Though obviously only go if you are able to respect all trans* folk. *glares at the HBS folks*
Allies are of course welcome, but this is a, especially a mtf-spectrum, trans*-centric space.
And while I think mtf-spectrum folks were under represented, it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be and there were a ton of totally awesome mtf-spectrum folks there. *waves at Cedar, Veronica, and everyone else*
There was also a lot of work on becoming better about class, race, disabilities, etc. It was sort of interesting because along with the folks who were in college and/or were rich enough to take a week long vacation, there were a lot of up who just didn't have a steady job or school who were able to come because we got rides or whatnot.
There weren't that many POC, but CT is working on trying to both be a more supportive and anti-racist place as well as reaching out to trans* people of color.
CT is also becoming pretty good about people with disabilities. We had an accessible porta poty this year. As well as folks who signed up to help with stuff like putting up/taking down tents for those who need help, carrying gear, etc. They also have a generator for things like power chairs.

There was also a great medic tent that anyone could go to. They had an herbalist, EMTs, and even a doctor for a bit. They did everything from advising about alternative treatments for long term things to removing ticks to giving folks their hormone shots.
There were also Advocates at most workshops and there was always at least one on duty and sober. They acted as amateur counselors, drama mediators, shoulder to cry on, etc.
I need an advocate now I think, I'm having a hard time writing this post because I want so badly to be back.

The workshops I went to were great. We had all kinds of workshops; serious ones like Accountability, fun ones like Ropes Bondage and Trans* bodies, identity-based ones like Genderqueer Caucus, and all sorts of others.
I attended one informative one about trans* and queer identities and science. An awesome festie ran it, she's a biologist and had all sorts of info and studies that apparently prove that queer, intersex, and trans* identities (at least regarding subconscious sex, gender isn't so concretely proven) are natural (I'm not a scientist and I didn't get a chance to read them through, so I can't say if they do prove anything). We exchanged emails and she got my url, so maybe she'll show up to comment sometime. It was amusing, when I mentioned my "how I experience trans*ism" post she seemed really interested in reading it. I guess my phantom limb syndrome really makes sense in her theory (something to do with the lymph system or something, I can't remember)[ETA: In comments she said it was the ancient mammalian limbic system of the brain, not the lymph system--I is SMRT].

The food was also really, really good. I need to get a hold of the vegan garlic potato soup we had for myself and I think my mom would like the vegan borst (though I'm not a fan of cooked carrots or beets, it was good).
Helping in the kitchen was a lot of fun. The kitchen princess (she's in charge of the kitchen and cooking) was really cool and workshifts were a useful and fun way to get to know more folks.
And you got extra helpings and/or treats for helping in the kitchen (cooking or dishes).

I don't remember how much I've talked about my depression or my current situation here in public, but I think CT will be the goal that gets me through. Not only do I have to goal to get to CT next year, but I hope to be in a place where I can work on various issues at CT.
Like I think that once I've started T, camp will be the perfect place to work on my nudity issues (CT is a very body-accepting place, but I just won't be able to work on certain body issues until I get on T). And I think that if I don't take on too much and keep my eyes on next August I could get through a school year okay, which means that I would have access to health care, which means I could go to an endo and get some vitamin T. I am waiting on my bf to see about possibly living somewhere outside of MI with him, but I think I will be able to deal if I do have to live in MI for a bit. Before I couldn't have dealt with that.
Even this year at CT, with all the problems I have currently, I was able to work on my confidence some while I was there, just by being there with such great people.
In less than a week I feel like I've healed and grown so much thanks to the wonderful folks I met there and the wonderful folks who put CT together these past few years.

And if anyone has any questions about CT feel free to ask. I'll answer what I can. ^.^
PS: CT friends should feel free to comment here or on my LJ (friend me to, I still read my friends page) at any time, I miss you all already. ^.^


ETA: [Removed because I'm not giving them energy]

ETA2: *waves to festies*
Hey, I hope you like my blog; theres a bunch of trans* 101 links to the side if you are interested. My friends who went to fest said it was a lot of fun! I'm glad you all have fun, personally. And I do support women-only space; I just support women-only space that includes all women.
CT was amazing and free (in more ways than one), maybe I'll see you all next year!

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Monday, August 11, 2008

He's Back!


So I'm back from Camp Trans.
It was totally made of awesomesauce. I cannot wait to go back and I wish it could have lasted waaay longer. I am definitely going to do a write up in a bit, but right now I am really tired (first shower and comfy chair in a week) and I'm semi-catching up on the internets. I'm just reading my favorites and skimming a lot; at CT I used up all my alloted excitement and energy for the time being. ^.^
I met sooo many completely rad folks and I hope to get to know them better in the coming year(s).
I am just so happy to have gone. Not only was it a fun place where I met great people, but it was incredibly healing. This was the first time, other than a bit online, that I could discuss really personal trans* related stuff or even stuff that was not directly related to me being trans*, but is still impacted by it, and have a group of people nod and tell me that what I experienced/felt/did/etc was completely natural. Even though many of our experiences and/or identities were very different, we supported and cared for and respected each other so much.
It was just so amazing; yes, there were problems and whatnot, but it was still just so amazing. It was so great, but now I am completely exhausted, and it isn't even 9pm, I can't write much more than that at the moment.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

3rd person is 3rd person

Kristopher went away to be hounded and guilt-tripped for several days nonstop, cut off from all his Important People.
Kristopher was already depressed and lonely and therefore did not need more bad energies.
Then Kristopher came back to find that there was drama everywhere. And not just where or how he expected it. Moreover, drama between people he sees as e-friends and bad drama in places he hoped to stay fun/good so that he could stay sane. >.<

Kristopher also found out he may be confined to MI for this Autumn--which is very, very, very, very, very...very bad.
Therefore, Kristopher will probably ignore the world and read fanfiction and World of Darkness rulebooks** nonstop for the next few days.
Somehow, he thinks isolation will fix loneliness and depression; whats the worst thing that could happen? It's not like he hasn't already tried this and had bad things happen as a result... oh wait...

Kristopher would very much like to cuddle and wrestle with his boyfriend as this makes everything look nicer; far, far away from their relatives would be nice too.
Unfortunately, Kristopher will only see the boyfriend when Kristopher is out of MI.
At least if Kristopher is in MI during August he might be able to go to Camp Trans. That would still be a maybe though, as that may be Too Much for parents to handle and gas is really expensive. (though he, unlike some *coughcoughheartcoughcough*, will not pass a collection plate so that he can go and buy handmade soaps and clothes)


PS: I remembered my first evar dream! I have never, ever, ever remembered a dream before. I thought I was magically unable to dream or something!
This dream? Totally a message, though of what I don't know; I need to talk about it with certain friends f mine who are better at spiritual stuffs than i am. Unfortunately, they have not been very reachable (computer died, they have jobs, etc) lately and so this may take a while. >.<

And can anyone tell I am trying to procrastinate against sleeping? Sleeping alone is boring and we hates it, yes precious we hates it.
Can someone teleport my boyfriend here for me? Cause then i could sleep and cuddle and wrestle; everything a growing boy needs...

**At least kristopher will find it useful for that monster post he has floating around in his head.

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