What's in a name?
To many of us trans* people, names are important. Unlike most cis* people, we have to choose our names because the names we were given (forced on us?) are not suitable. Very rarely do our parents give us a name we can keep; so that when we tell someone our legal name we are either misgendered or outed immediately.
It seems like there is always a post about names in the general trans* forums I read; recently, there is one asking for names that do not easily get “misheard” and transformed from masculine to feminine.
Many transition guides and trans* resources have posts with tips on choosing names. All sorts of advice is given; don't choose names that are currently trendy (Aiden/Ayden/etc), ask your parents to help, find meanings you like...
Names have power.
I've read a lot of fantasy where magic can be performed by knowing a person or object's true name; where people or demons can be controlled or destroyed by those with their true name.
Here, names have the power to out, to get you extra “random security checks”, to color peoples' gendered perceptions of you, etc.
I'll be changing my name later this week.
To Kristopher [current middle name]-Rivera [lastname].
I didn't exactly choose Kristopher; my friends sometimes called me Ristopher after I started going by my nickname Riss. I'm not Christian, but I liked the name and I felt like Kristopher...suited me somehow. Even friendly acquaintances who didn't know I was questioning said that Kristopher suited me.
Both of my grandmas have the same middle name, so my parents gave it to me—and I chose to keep it because I like it.
Rivera is for Sylvia Rivera, an amazing woman and one of the first trans* people I ever learned about.
With my real name legally recognized I'll be able to apply for college, jobs, etc. without (much) anxiety. I'll be able to attend classes without emailing the teachers to begask to be referred to by my nickname.
There'll be less anxiety around my name, but now when I apply for a job I'll be more worried about my legal sex. Hopefully, they won't notice it or realize it's a mistake.
[I wrote the above last week. I went to court just the other day.]
I was extremely anxious about court; not everyone's name change is granted after all.
Luckily, it went without a hitch.
After going through security in my nice clothes and tie, I spent more time waiting (and listening to half a dozen divorces—and they say queer and trans* people will ruin marriage...) than actually in front of the judge. Seriously, he asked me why I wanted to change my name (personal preference and common usage) and if I was changing it for fraudulent reasons (err, no) then granted it.
Though according to my friend who drove me, whispers did break out in the seats when my case was called; I admit I wasn't paying much attention to them at the time...
And next I get to change my name on my BC and state ID and whatnot.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
back
Back from my grandparents house. OMG, I really dislike my grandma. I have to fight her to do any cleaning beyond dishes! I had to dust the walls/ceilings in secret because she got mad at me for doing it. o.0
I wanted to tackle a bit of the mess they call an attic, but noooo.... I can't be moving her precious shit around and actually putting it into boxes and stacking it neatly and getting rid of the obvious trash! GRRR.....
And there is way too much shit to process going on in the world:
Apparently Minnesota is all "yay forced electroshock-[torture]!!!"
And Duanna Johnson was murdered. Most likely by ex-officers Bridges McRae, James Swain, and/or their buddies on the force.
And the fucking [police]** don't have any leads. Because its not like she was beaten by two police officers a few months ago--which led to their being fired. Its not like she went public and was suing the city or anything (though the lawsuit will be going forward!). Its not like she was being harassed by the police for "prostitution" (aka: existing while black and trans* and a woman. and even if she was a sex worker, she may not even have been working at that moment).
**Does anyone know of a slur for the police other than "pigs"? I'm not a fan of pigs because of the fatphobic associations with the word pig.
Despite having a relative who was an officer (who does still have my respect), I have lost all respect for the institution and all members unless the individual proves they are not a power-hungry, abusive, rapist, bigot.
ETA: A paypal account has been set up to help Duanna's mom pay for her funeral.
Folks who think that prop 8 passed because of t3h 3vil POC can go DIAF. Seriously, blame the mostly white mormons and catholics for funding the bigoted/lying campaigns. Or maybe your own organizations' racism and FAIL.
Yes, I am in a bad and violent mood.
Uppity Brown Woman is also angry about several things; like Duanna's murder, "honor" killings, and lesbians being beaten for daring to pick their kids up from school.
Who'd have thunk that preaching racist anti-immigrant hatred all over the USA government/media would result in folks going out "beaner hunting"?
In other news, bears do, in fact, shit in the woods.
And I am totally failing at Nanowrimo; I have practically nothing written because of being at grandparents house and various apathy/depression things leading to writers block. But after I (eventually) get some sleep I'll post some of what I have in my lj (needs m0ar editing...). Theres also a story for Duanna; as she is unlikely to get justice.
But here is a killer bunneh and some pretty guys (yep, all three are guys) because I need some smiles and pwetty.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Voting
I voted! (Did you?)
Barack Obama, though I certainly thought about voting Cynthia McKinney--but all the McCain signs in my area of MI scared me off.
I did vote Green for Senator and a few other local/state elections.
I am very, very irritated with my bf; he couldn't get off his ass and register. At least he is in NY, not a battle-ground. Its one thing if you choose not to vote, its another to just be too fucking lazy/not care.
So, comments will be moderated because I'm off again to my grandparents tomorrow.
At least I conquered the evil fridge-monster last time I was there. (did you know that pickles and pickle juice can mold? well, a jar of pickles and pickle juice can get a cm-thick layer of mold)
This time I need to get my grandma to go through their clothes and choose what to get rid of.
(Pictures!)
(The Last Unicorn is a great movie and book.)
(If anyone has decent Ferngully slashy art/fic I will love you forver)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Burnt Armor
I wanna focus on the happy, the good, the correct, righteous love, on that which must be said, on the defiantly awesome for a minute. Though I know others may be getting annoyed at my constant link-farms, I'm just not really ready to post publicly atm. If you're my LJ-friend, look for a friends-only post in the next few days if you wanna know more.
"Ally" is a bad term to use.
Here is some interesting discussion on how "allies" will use snark and their(our) knowledge to one-up and dominate discussions with ignorant privileged folks.
Gauge did hir own write-up of CT. And it was linked to on Feministing!
Cedar is on a roll!
The Standards of Care are abusive and manipulative in practice.
Step Up; Step Back is actually something that came up between us at CT and I've been trying to formulate a response, but with all the shit happening with me personally I just can't right now. I'd love to, but I'm just not up for it.
Where next? What do we need? Another conversation I wish I had the energy/ability to contribute to.
Trans* rights have been protected in Maryland (for now at least).
Theres proposed legislation in the UK to recognize genders other than man/woman! But first, they need to hear that there is a real need for this.
The proposed legislation will initially state the case for necessity of provision of an alternative option alongside male and female in sex/gender field on forms for application and registration, such as passport application, the Census etc. We are presenting the case for a third option of ‘non gender-specific’, ‘gender not specified’ or ‘other’ on all forms.
In order for the legislation to have any chance of succeeding in early stages of procession through parliament, it is vital that we can demonstrate a strong social need for recognition of identities that have until now been unrecognised by law in all western countries and ignored by gendered society.
*This is where I need the help and support of EVERY resident in the UK who does not identify as male or female and for whom the options of male and female provided by gendered society are irrelevant, inadequate and insulting.*
...
Please send an email to my address Christie.Elan-Cane@ukgateway.net with *I SUPPORT NON GENDER-SPECIFIC OPTION* in the subject line. Give your full name and preferably a full address in the United Kingdom where you are resident. If you would rather not provide address details, write anyway with just your name but responses with a valid UK address should carry more weight if used to petition support from other ministers.
Please do not send any attachment documents with your email.
Per also asks that non-UK residents post this on their blogs/LJs/websites/etc so the word gets out.
And I'm wondering, why don't all those interested in a "gender-free society" send their support too? After all, you may be one step closer to that world** and you'll be helping real people at the same time! Or is the possibility of working with trans* folks instead of against us just too much to ask?
**I don't believe that world is possible, but certainly making it so that one does not have to choose woman/man is a way of showing that they are not the only options.
The Sky is Falling and our love is an act of war.
I won't quote it all because y'all should go over there and read and comment, but I really, really loved these parts:
Here's what they're on about: they live in a world where we are monsters. They live in a world that trembles daily, because we snake our faultlines through its foundations and each time we move more crumbles and falls over the yawning edge of the flattened sea. In their world, once near us, their children can be lost to them, and just seeing us represented fills them with the rage of people struck in the face and deprived of their birthrights.And Flames of Incandescent Terror is an awesome response to that:
That world needs to end, and we know it. That world will end, and they know it.
...
I say let's call down the thunders, then. Let's stand and fight. Let's own that our love is a matter of artillery, and fire salvo after salvo. Let's hold hands and kiss and fuck and dance while all over, rock shears from the cliff-faces of their shuddering world and it frays at the seams. Let's defiantly exist, exist hard, right next to them, public, brazen, beautiful. Let's drill and march and right on their doorsteps let's have unacceptable bodies and loud music and food whose aromas they find foreign and offensive. Let's fucking sing.
We can call it jubilation. They can call it war. Either way, the results are the same. We succeed, and walk hand in hand into a new world where our very existence is not considered a violation, or we do not--and are no longer in a position to care.
Love is an act of blood. Love is an act of bone. It is your breath.Living and other acts of Defiance:
I am a child of the Mother of Demons. My love will rip up the foundations of the world if need be. It will tear apart your safe spaces. It will not let me be silent. My love is a claimed conspiracy to riot stashed in a jail cell awaiting judgement in Minnesota. My love does not wait for a permit or follow an established route. It is here now there then always not with a whimper but a bang and if your world is ending for it then remember that love will divide your families, set kith against kith and kin against kin, that you were warned and said you believed.
I wont back down from who I truly am. I will not butch up to convince you I am a man, nor will I allow you to treat me as a woman. I am myself, a beautiful gargoyle with a heart of stone. I care not for your insistent and terrified mewling. I will not be convenient. I will not be neat. Your binary will not cage me.At the moment, I am not sure if I am up for being a warrior, being defiant, up for more ripping and tearing. At the moment, I just want to crawl away and sleep until I can't care anymore.
Right now the world is too empty and too full; I can't bear it any longer.
But that is right now.
That is right after I am thinking of death and loss after my old mentor dies. Right when I am thinking of betrayal and hurt after drama and pain invade my safe spaces.
But that was now and soon now will be this.
I can't just sleep away till revolution comes. I have tough claws for war (and for protecting). I have wide wings for flight (and sheltering under). I have a rough tongue for lapping up the blood (and the tears).
I can rip and tear at hate and oppression with these teeth; even while I heal pain and the oppressed with this tongue.
So I will lick my wounds for now; here in my cave, with a battered and burnt suit of armor at my door and more marching towards this mountain.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Will be away for the weekend. I'm going to my grandparent's place for a few days. Wish me luck. >.< 
--This is mah kitteh, Buttercup. Wasn't she pretty? Mind you, the picture can't show you how mean she was to practically everyone but me. ^.^
--Elijah Blue
--Copper
--Fiddle
--Elijah again
--Fanon Draco!
--The Sand Siblings from Naruto
--Sand Sibs again
--Gaara in soup
--Gaara and Naruto
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Camp Trans is made of win
As I said before, CT was awesome.
Michfest is no longer it's main thing, though certainly its still important to CT. The "WBW"(such a BS phrase) policy is pretty much unenforced and it seems like the majority of festies either don't care if trans* women are there or want trans* women there. In fact, some festies who left early left their wristbands with CT for trans* women to get in and another festy donated money for tickets for trans* women. I missed the days we walked the line, but I heard that reception was mixed which is pretty normal. Though there were some folks that didn't talk to any negative people at all.
The mtf-spectrum folks who went to fest all had a good time, they even hosted a workshop on ENDA. One woman I talked to said that one festie she had spoken with in the line recognized her and came over and said hi and was very glad that she had made it into fest.
There was some bad news. A fest van crashed and, while I'm not sure about details, apparently one fest goer died. When we learned of this, as a community, we immediately decided to get flowers and bring them to the gates. So the next day folks donated money and a few campers went to town to get the flowers. According to those that brought the flowers, the gate keepers were very grateful and I guess there were tears and hugs all around.
Getting back to CT...
I was completely in love with the trans*-centric space there. When we introduced ourselves we gave both our names and our preferred pronouns. Everyone I spoke to respected the gender identities of the others. I can't really put into words how awesome this felt.
It was literally the first time I ever felt really, really safe and not on the defensive in regards to my gender. It was the first time I felt that complete strangers would respect my maleness without me having to hide my transsexuality.
It was just utterly amazing to go somewhere and not second-guess myself and distrust the folks around me (in regards to my gender).
There were all sorts of genders represented; people who identified within the traditional binary to people who couldn't fit into it if they tried. There were butch mtf-spectrum folks; fem ftm-spectrum folks (besides me, though I wasn't feeling all that fem while I was there); and all sorts of flavors of androgynous folks. There were people who didn't use pronouns; some who didn't care what pronouns you used; there were folks who got very offended (rightfully so) if you didn't use the right pronouns.
And there wasn't any excuse for using the wrong pronouns; not only did folks introduce themselves with their pronouns, but it was perfectly acceptable and welcome to ask someone which they prefer. And I say this as someone who did accidentally use the wrong pronouns a few times; and I too don't have any excuse--all I could do was apologize and work to not fuck up again.
But yeah, just being around so many awesome trans* folk and making friends with them and really finally understanding that I'm not alone was just amazing. I really recommend going if you are trans*--especially if you don't know a lot of trans* folk yet. Though obviously only go if you are able to respect all trans* folk. *glares at the HBS folks*
Allies are of course welcome, but this is a, especially a mtf-spectrum, trans*-centric space.
And while I think mtf-spectrum folks were under represented, it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be and there were a ton of totally awesome mtf-spectrum folks there. *waves at Cedar, Veronica, and everyone else*
There was also a lot of work on becoming better about class, race, disabilities, etc. It was sort of interesting because along with the folks who were in college and/or were rich enough to take a week long vacation, there were a lot of up who just didn't have a steady job or school who were able to come because we got rides or whatnot.
There weren't that many POC, but CT is working on trying to both be a more supportive and anti-racist place as well as reaching out to trans* people of color.
CT is also becoming pretty good about people with disabilities. We had an accessible porta poty this year. As well as folks who signed up to help with stuff like putting up/taking down tents for those who need help, carrying gear, etc. They also have a generator for things like power chairs.
There was also a great medic tent that anyone could go to. They had an herbalist, EMTs, and even a doctor for a bit. They did everything from advising about alternative treatments for long term things to removing ticks to giving folks their hormone shots.
There were also Advocates at most workshops and there was always at least one on duty and sober. They acted as amateur counselors, drama mediators, shoulder to cry on, etc.
I need an advocate now I think, I'm having a hard time writing this post because I want so badly to be back.
The workshops I went to were great. We had all kinds of workshops; serious ones like Accountability, fun ones like Ropes Bondage and Trans* bodies, identity-based ones like Genderqueer Caucus, and all sorts of others.
I attended one informative one about trans* and queer identities and science. An awesome festie ran it, she's a biologist and had all sorts of info and studies that apparently prove that queer, intersex, and trans* identities (at least regarding subconscious sex, gender isn't so concretely proven) are natural (I'm not a scientist and I didn't get a chance to read them through, so I can't say if they do prove anything). We exchanged emails and she got my url, so maybe she'll show up to comment sometime. It was amusing, when I mentioned my "how I experience trans*ism" post she seemed really interested in reading it. I guess my phantom limb syndrome really makes sense in her theory (something to do with the lymph system or something, I can't remember)[ETA: In comments she said it was the ancient mammalian limbic system of the brain, not the lymph system--I is SMRT].
The food was also really, really good. I need to get a hold of the vegan garlic potato soup we had for myself and I think my mom would like the vegan borst (though I'm not a fan of cooked carrots or beets, it was good).
Helping in the kitchen was a lot of fun. The kitchen princess (she's in charge of the kitchen and cooking) was really cool and workshifts were a useful and fun way to get to know more folks.
And you got extra helpings and/or treats for helping in the kitchen (cooking or dishes).
I don't remember how much I've talked about my depression or my current situation here in public, but I think CT will be the goal that gets me through. Not only do I have to goal to get to CT next year, but I hope to be in a place where I can work on various issues at CT.
Like I think that once I've started T, camp will be the perfect place to work on my nudity issues (CT is a very body-accepting place, but I just won't be able to work on certain body issues until I get on T). And I think that if I don't take on too much and keep my eyes on next August I could get through a school year okay, which means that I would have access to health care, which means I could go to an endo and get some vitamin T. I am waiting on my bf to see about possibly living somewhere outside of MI with him, but I think I will be able to deal if I do have to live in MI for a bit. Before I couldn't have dealt with that.
Even this year at CT, with all the problems I have currently, I was able to work on my confidence some while I was there, just by being there with such great people.
In less than a week I feel like I've healed and grown so much thanks to the wonderful folks I met there and the wonderful folks who put CT together these past few years.
And if anyone has any questions about CT feel free to ask. I'll answer what I can. ^.^
PS: CT friends should feel free to comment here or on my LJ (friend me to, I still read my friends page) at any time, I miss you all already. ^.^
ETA: [Removed because I'm not giving them energy]
ETA2: *waves to festies*
Hey, I hope you like my blog; theres a bunch of trans* 101 links to the side if you are interested. My friends who went to fest said it was a lot of fun! I'm glad you all have fun, personally. And I do support women-only space; I just support women-only space that includes all women.
CT was amazing and free (in more ways than one), maybe I'll see you all next year!
Monday, August 11, 2008
He's Back!
So I'm back from Camp Trans.
It was totally made of awesomesauce. I cannot wait to go back and I wish it could have lasted waaay longer. I am definitely going to do a write up in a bit, but right now I am really tired (first shower and comfy chair in a week) and I'm semi-catching up on the internets. I'm just reading my favorites and skimming a lot; at CT I used up all my alloted excitement and energy for the time being. ^.^
I met sooo many completely rad folks and I hope to get to know them better in the coming year(s).
I am just so happy to have gone. Not only was it a fun place where I met great people, but it was incredibly healing. This was the first time, other than a bit online, that I could discuss really personal trans* related stuff or even stuff that was not directly related to me being trans*, but is still impacted by it, and have a group of people nod and tell me that what I experienced/felt/did/etc was completely natural. Even though many of our experiences and/or identities were very different, we supported and cared for and respected each other so much.
It was just so amazing; yes, there were problems and whatnot, but it was still just so amazing. It was so great, but now I am completely exhausted, and it isn't even 9pm, I can't write much more than that at the moment.
Monday, July 7, 2008
3rd person is 3rd person
Kristopher went away to be hounded and guilt-tripped for several days nonstop, cut off from all his Important People.
Kristopher was already depressed and lonely and therefore did not need more bad energies.
Then Kristopher came back to find that there was drama everywhere. And not just where or how he expected it. Moreover, drama between people he sees as e-friends and bad drama in places he hoped to stay fun/good so that he could stay sane. >.<
Kristopher also found out he may be confined to MI for this Autumn--which is very, very, very, very, very...very bad.
Therefore, Kristopher will probably ignore the world and read fanfiction and World of Darkness rulebooks** nonstop for the next few days.
Somehow, he thinks isolation will fix loneliness and depression; whats the worst thing that could happen? It's not like he hasn't already tried this and had bad things happen as a result... oh wait...
Kristopher would very much like to cuddle and wrestle with his boyfriend as this makes everything look nicer; far, far away from their relatives would be nice too.
Unfortunately, Kristopher will only see the boyfriend when Kristopher is out of MI.
At least if Kristopher is in MI during August he might be able to go to Camp Trans. That would still be a maybe though, as that may be Too Much for parents to handle and gas is really expensive. (though he, unlike some *coughcoughheartcoughcough*, will not pass a collection plate so that he can go and buy handmade soaps and clothes)
PS: I remembered my first evar dream! I have never, ever, ever remembered a dream before. I thought I was magically unable to dream or something!
This dream? Totally a message, though of what I don't know; I need to talk about it with certain friends f mine who are better at spiritual stuffs than i am. Unfortunately, they have not been very reachable (computer died, they have jobs, etc) lately and so this may take a while. >.<
And can anyone tell I am trying to procrastinate against sleeping? Sleeping alone is boring and we hates it, yes precious we hates it.
Can someone teleport my boyfriend here for me? Cause then i could sleep and cuddle and wrestle; everything a growing boy needs...
**At least kristopher will find it useful for that monster post he has floating around in his head.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Up, Up, Away
I'm going to be offline for a little bit, seeing family out in the boonies. Seriously, there isn't even a landline at the house (luckily, there is plumbing and electricity; unless theres a storm).
Comments are going to be moderated while I'm gone to prevent trolling (to be fair, I have been poking at them recently).
To everyone else, sorry if your comment isn't seen for a bit, I'll approve comments when I get back. ^.^
Heres what I've been reading lately, mostly anti-racism type stuff:
The myth of reverse racism
Baby-Stepping away from racism, a guide for white folk.
And a link-roundup of other anti-racism guides and the like; unfortunately, I don't have time to read them all before leaving.
I've got a few books and game boy games to take with me so I shouldn't be too bored. ^.^
Maybe I'll finally get a chance to just sit down and read bell hook's Salvation: Black People and Love or Eliade's The Sacred and Profane... Maybe if I leave my fantasy/scifi at home I'll actually read them instead of just talking about reading them. >.<
Thursday, May 22, 2008
There is a continuum ya know
So, I'm thinking of a few posts I have in the works (and as I write this intro I'm still not sure which this post will turn out to be); one on my childhood[trannyhood], women-only space and "WBW"-only space, or one about me my genitals and sex. Being in my childhood home, filled with memories, I don't feel like crying (no I wasn't abused or anything. It's just that I really, really miss my cat, my best friend for over a decade, and this house is filled with memories of her).
Or, as seems to be popular, write about my thoughts on WBW and women-only space. Not only do I find that topic to be becoming somewhat boring, but I also feel...odd commenting on the validity of women-only space as I am a man. Perhaps, when I've thought more about it, I will write on being a man in women-only space (while my school itself was co-ed, the dorms and certain classes were single-sex) and how gorram uncomfortable it was.
So, since I miss my boyfriend (and sex), I'll write about sex.
Ok, fooled ya, I'll write about my relationship with my body as well as give an unsexy and probably somewhat clinical overview of how the romantic and sexual relationship with my BF have progressed. I've been reading the comments on certain posts over at Bilerico and I am somewhat amused by how guys like me went from a HBS/transsexual man to "woman with a fetish" due to a single act.
Plus, it gives me a chance to brag about how much I like most of my body; despite having confidence problems in some areas, I am still quite vain (I am a Slytherin after all). ^.^
Moreover, I recently found the text of Eli Clare's speech given at the Philly Trans* health conference and it is so amazing.
Looking at shame and body shame; specifically within trans* and disability contexts:
“This obsession with cure turns disabled bodies into medical problems to be solved. In doing so, it ignores disability as an issue of social justice. Ignores that many disabled people would rather put an end to ableism than have our bodies “fixed.” Of course this gets complicated when I turn back to trans community, to those of us who seek to reshape our gendered and sexed bodies. But really it’s not our desire or need for bodily change that I’m challenging here. Rather, it’s how we name those desires and needs, because to claim our bodies as defective and to pair defect with cure, not only disregards the experiences of many disabled people, it also leaves us as trans people wide open to shame...Of course there’s another important strand of naming at work in our communities—a strand that declares transness not a disease, gender nonconformity not a pathology, and bodily uniqueness not an illness, a strand that turns the word dysphoria inside out, claiming that we are not the ones dysphoric about our genders, but rather dysphoria lives in the world’s response to us. This naming acts as a necessary counterbalance. But I have to ask: what about those of us who do in truth deal with deep, persistent body disonnance, discomfort, dysphoria? A social justice politics by itself will never be enough to resist shame. ”
I see my transsexuality as a medical condition (not defect) and medical transition as a way of treating my body dissonance. But I still agree with Eli, being trans* (or disabled) does not make us defective, it is society and how society sees and treats us that is defective. Yes, both groups may need treatment, but we don't need to be disappeared or 'cured' into normalcy. As I re-state later, we also have the right to refuse treatment or to choose an alternate treatment to the mainstream options.
Okay, back to me and my body; I just wanted to give a shout out to that fantastic speech.
My relationship with my body is rather complicated to say the least.
I am quite happy with most of my body. While my hair does not always cooperate, I find it to be pleasing to the sight and touch--especially when I can dye it green. My face is attractive enough I suppose, I wish my lips weren't quite so pink though--makes me look like I'm wearing pink lipstick and I look too much like a girl if I cover them with black or deep brown instead...
I am quite fond of my legs, nicely shaped imo and with a decent amount of hair. While I wish I was taller, it's not a major issue .
My arms, despite being thin, are actually quite "masculine" being as they are quite hairy and have visible veins. They are actually one of my favorite body parts, not just because of how they help me pass as a cis*guy, but their overall look, shape and texture and whatnot, is quite pleasing to my eyes--I love the almost blue cast my veins give my arms.
I have some problems with my torso and hip areas though.
I always have bruises on my hips; while they are still relatively narrow, I still forget how wide they are and I bump into walls and tables.
I have a great deal of dissonance regarding my chest; I'll go to take off my shirt and, sometimes, I will be honestly surprised that I have gynecomastia (breast growth on men).
Luckily for me, it isn't a very bad case, a sports bra and a bit of layering is enough to hide it most of the time. But...my group of friends enjoys having "shirtless o' clock" and I enjoy being nude when it's just my BF and I. Moreover, it is incredibly uncomfortable wearing four layers in 80 degree weather. I want it gone, not just hidden.
There are times, like now actually, when I only take a shower every other day just so that I don't have to confront the dissonance.
I pray to the Gods that when I eventually start hormones there will be enough fat redistribution to take care of it. I don't want to put myself at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and hospital staff and insurance companies more than I have to. I've heard too many stories, even just from friends and family, about uncaring nurses, insurance bureaucracy, transphobic staff, and the like. Not to forget that I hate the idea of being helpless and unconscious as some strangers cut me open; if I can I will most definitely have a friend watch over the surgery to make sure nothing happens. And a night at a hospital scares me; what if I get a nurse like the one my mom had after her heart surgery--one who refused to come to help and who left my mom's ESL roommate in pain because she couldn't be bothered to show her where or how the "morphine button" worked. And this is 'just' about top-surgery, How will I feel about genital surgery? Though, for anyone not aware, top-surgery is often deemed more important than any genital surgery by many transgender and transsexual guys (according to what I've seen over the years in various ftm communities).
Ahh... now for the uncomfortable part: my genitals.
Truth be told, I used to hate them.
Growing up and even into adolescence, I would 'hold it' for as long as I could before going to the bathroom--I couldn't stand to sit. Later, when I first attempted to masturbate I disassociated myself entirely and found no enjoyment.
And even later, when my BF and I were first starting to go beyond kissing, I told him to ignore and pretend like I didn't have a vagina at all; and that I wasn't sure about the rest of the area, but he wouldn't be the only one getting any fun.
Eventually, we started to do more than kiss. Eventually, we found things that didn't set off my dissonance too badly that were still fun for the both of us. And, eventually, I came to trust that he sees me as a guy no matter what. No matter that my chest wasn't flat when unclothed, no matter that I didn't have a typical cock, no matter that I have an extra hole.
So, after much thinking and me having to convince him that I actually wanted to, we tried PIV.
And I found that it wasn't so bad--that as long as he still saw me as a man I was usually able to ignore the dissonance.
And surprisingly, I found that when I was feeling bad about being trans*, when I wasn't passing, when I felt like it would be better to just hit the reset button on this life...that having my most important person be made acutely aware of how my body is not male-assigned and yet still having him see me as 100% man was enough to get me through (the orgasms afterwards helped too of course).
It's not a fetish. I still can't masturbate and I'm sure that it'll take a lot of time to develop this level of trust in my future relationships.
It's validation from my most important person; the feeling of love and trust mixed with the knowledge that no matter what I am a man...it isn't sexual for me--it's something else entirely--English doesn't have the words to describe how it feels for me.
As for the penis (and lack of a vag') making the man... Well, in my case I'd really like a peen, my map says I should have one and there is no way I can describe how much it hurts to have my body not match my map that badly. Hopefully hormones, when I eventually go on them (no insurance and it's bloody hard to find anywhere that'll sell T without a script), will make my dick grow enough to lessen the discord to a manageable level... But I'm pretty sure I'll keep the vag'; I've grown to like it, the dissonance surrounding it is manageable, and PIV is way easier than anal (and I am so very lazy).
So anyone, be they HBS or Christian or feminist or have letters after their name, wants to tell me that learning to cope with a vag' makes me less of a man...well they can go fuck themselves with rusty railroad spikes.
Not respecting trans* identities because that person is not as disphoric as you think they need to be is cissexism; it's just as cissexist as not respecting trans* identities period.
My body is my own; I will change what I believe will lessen the most dissonance, keep what I can learn to live with or even cherish, and leave the parts that were never a problem alone.
And I do want genital surgery, but this doesn't make me more of a man than a guy who has been able to deal with, or never had, the same level of dissonance about his genitals (same idea for women btw).
I don't think every trans*person can, or should, attempt to live their life without surgery/hormones. Some people just don't have the same levels of dissonance, some people are able to work through it without hormones and/or surgery. But I also don't think that medical transition, or surgery, should be requirements for being a transsexual or for legal transition.
I won't live my life without medical transition; if I am prevented for too long I know that I'll eventually kill myself. The dissonance is that great; and learning to live with my body-as-is is merely a stopgap measure to help me deal until I can medically transition. But this also means that I can see how a trans*person with less dissonance can work through their dissonance enough to live without medical transition. Remember, some people can pass without any medical transition. And some people don't care as much about passing as a cis*person as long as their loved ones see them as who they are.
I can also see that some people need medical transition ASAP and that hormones and surgery mean a lot to them. Sometimes, it must seem like some transgender folks are saying that anyone can or should live without medical transition (and there are some folks that do believe that); that medical transition isn't important.
And some of these folks think that all trans*/transgender folks think that no one should have them.
And while I can see it from their point of view...they need to stop and learn that even if someone doesn't need surgery that doesn't mean that they necessarily believe that no one needs surgery.
Furthermore, just as important, that one's medical decisions do not change their identity and nor do they define their identity. People have the right to seek alternate treatments and moreover I do not know of any medical condition that is diagnosed by the treatments one chooses to use.
I don't know where my transition will take me. I won't let others tell me what i have to do to be respected or a valid man. I won't let anyone tell other folks what they must do to be respected or a valid person either. Everyone is different and should be respected.
Nature abhors rigid categories; humans are the ones that create and define rigid categories, not Her.
“Although I doubt there is one complete passage between shame and pride, there are many tunnels through the thicket, and on the other side lives an openness that lets us slide into our bodies and makes space for persistent joy and comfort. Body love can wake us up in the morning, put us to bed at night, visit us as we’re dressing to go out or just singing along to our favorite song. These moments don’t usually arrive as big, as loud, as brash, as a Pride parade. They just show up one day in the mirror or the camera, not that we’ve passively waited for them. No, we’re all too aware of how hard we’ve worked for them, but still they arrive unexpected. Sometimes in community or with a single friend. Sometimes with the encouragement of families and partners, or in collaboration with health care providers and therapists. Sometimes they arrive as we’re rabblerousing in the streets or when we’re stuffing envelopes for the next fundraiser. They arrive as we tromp through the woods or walk down the street or dance up a storm on Friday night.
However those moments arrive, let’s build community that nurtures them. Let’s figure out ways of naming bodily difference that fosters comfort and joy. Let’s build a politics that holds space, safety, options, and shuts no one out. Let’s pay attention to shame as both a community issue and a health issue. Let’s create the space to make our bodies home, filling our skin to its very edges.”--Eli Clare
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Back then I didn't know why
This is a bit late, but I wasn't able to write much right before/on Mother's Day because I didn't have a place to stay for the summer until yesterday. I've kept quiet about it for various reasons... But if you look at my bio on the right, you'll see that I say I live with my boyfriend. Until he moved out of his dorm yesterday, I lived with him unofficially because in a fit of major depression last summer I dropped out of college (yeah, I'm trying to get back in--I don't need more lectures on this).
How does this relate to Mother's Day?
Well, I suppose this is better fit for LJ than a blog, but meh.
I have...a very complicated view of and relationship with my mom.
Growing up, Mom says I was close to her and told her everything; but that's not right according to my memories and she has a tendency to cast history to her advantage so I'm not sure how true this is.
I remember picking black raspberries (not to be confused with those nasty blackberries) and making pies and jam and shortcake with my mom, sister, and grandma.
I also remember feeling betrayed when Mom disproved of my few friends because they were a "bad influence" (they were poor and/or had parents that weren't very responsible).
I know Mom loves me, but I also know she treated my sister and me very differently and one of the reasons my sister and I had such a bad relationship growing up was because we both saw the other one as the Favorite.
Now, I realize that we were treated so differently because of how different we were/are and because there is a four year difference.
But at the time, all I saw was how Becky (name changed) was catered to; how I was punished far more drastically and frequently than she was. All Becky saw was that I had far more privileges; how she was seen as less intelligent.
We fought about everything all the time; more than one (one? try a dozen) family outings were ruined by our fights.
Looking back, I see how it must have hurt and frustrated my mom to be in the middle of this day in and day out.
She was the youngest of three and the only girl.
She so wanted a sister growing up; I was constantly told how I should cherish my sister because brothers are worse.
Her parent's obvious favorite, even now, is the middle child--the brother that picked on her the most.
I look very much like my dad while my sister is the spitting image of my mom.
I've always wondered if she saw her brother and her in me and my sister's fights.
After four years of being away at boarding school, my sister and I are on far better terms; she was the first family member I came out to and her response was basically "I don't get it, but you're still my sibling". Becky is the one that calls me her brother (yet still uses feminine pronouns which is interesting sounding).
So now I get to the part about me being transsexual and how this relates to my relationship with my parents.
Given that parents are often blamed for their kid "turning out" gay or trans*, this isn't a topic I can just ignore.
I am not gay or trans* because of anything my parents did or didn't do; my relationships with them has been complicated and informed by me being transsexual, but thats quite different.
I don't know all the reasons why, being transsexual is one reason why, but I was very distant from my family as a middle-schooler and later even now.
Middle school is when my depression first started to raise it's head.
Not only was puberty going in an unexpected way (yeah, I was one of those trans*kids in such denial that I hoped that I'd magically get the correct puberty), but I was being bullied for being so smart.
Yeah, not because I was smart for a girl or anything, no--because I was acing the advanced classes without breaking a sweat.
In history I vied for top spot with a girl who studied her ass off while I read the textbook, multiple times, cover to cover for fun. She payed attention and took notes while I, bored of the textbook, read Xanth or Valdemar; the teacher didn't care since he could ask me a question,and while he may need to repeat it after he finally got my attention, I could answer in detail without a problem.
For this, I was shunned, called names, talked about, etc.
In middle school I loved the environment, wolves especially, and had a lot of t-shirts and books about wolves and werewolves. I did want to be a wolf; their power and close pack structure awed me.
Yet, having the kids ask me, the shy trans*kid that grew up being laughed at for my speech impediment (now outgrown), embarrassing questions like "do you really think you're a wolf?" just to get a blush and a stammer out of me...it really made me hate school and humanity in general. The teasing never really turned physical, but I did face a lot of verbal teasing and was shunned a lot ("you have such good ideas, why don't you work alone").
My parents, Mom especially, did what they could for the bullying.
Of course it didn't help; of course it made things worse.
Telling me to just ignore it? Telling me to trust the girls that were nice to me even once when I was already used to their betrayal?
Was one reason I stopped believing in my mom and dad.
Looking back, I also realize that this was when I first started to resent my mom and dad; I resent(ed) them for not seeing I was a boy, I think I even blamed them for me not being cissexual.
Even now, a part of me still resents them for it.
And another part resents them for all the little words and actions that delayed my coming out.
And I still have the notion that they should have known--they should have seen that I wasn't a girl.
I was a introverted kid, but a not-so-rational part of me still feels like they should have guessed.
Of course, as a teen, my mom did guess--sort of. She outright asked me a few times if I thought I was a boy or if I didn't want to be a girl. But by then, I remembered her random lectures about how being gay was against God's plan and how witches went to hell for worshiping the devil (I talked about reincarnation even as a little kid and I asked for tarot cards the week of that lecture). I remembered reading about Zach and how his parents sent him to a torture camp; and he was only gay--what would they do to me for being both gay and trans*?
So I lied through omission. I told her I didn't want to be a boy (not that I already was one) and I told her there was nothing wrong with being a girl (and not that I wasn't one).
I tried femininity out, to placate her, and found I liked parts of it. I found that eyeliner is hott and skirts can be comfy (at least, the swishy ones that reach my ankles are).
We bonded over how hot Johnny Depp is.
And then I turned 18 my senior year and decided that I wouldn't tell them until I knew I wouldn't be trapped in MI.
So, during spring break at college I emailed them both my coming out letter and called them, saying there was something important that I had only felt comfortable expressing in text.
Neither disowned me, but both are in their own form of denial.
Dad's is outright, "you are my daughter and you can never be a boy."
Mom's is more subtle (she's done this for a lot of things, so I know the signs), "I'll play 'good cop', but you'll grow out of this phase after a bit."
Despite planning and expecting worse, this complete erasure of who I am and what I told them (so much that I'd have to explain every time I mentioned wanting to change my name or be called by my nickname), I slipped into a really deep depression and basically stopped going to classes and fell asleep in the ones I did attend.
I couldn't study for tests or exams.
After spending a summer, practically alone (the few friends in the same state are an hour+ drive away), yet still shoved back into the closet after a year of being free...when I got the news that I lost my scholarship...I withdrew.
I asked my boyfriend if I could live with him in the dorms and my friend R said I could stay at his house in the days between my flight and my Luv moving into the dorms.
A few days later, I told my parents and I came out to them regarding my depression and their part in causing/triggering it.
Yes, I do feel they share some of the blame for how I reacted and what I did; though I realize that those actions are still mainly my responsibility.
I barely got them to agree to me coming back to NY, but I knew I'd kill myself if I stayed trapped in MI.
This year, despite a promise to call every week, I've called maybe a dozen times.
I get shaky and panicky just thinking about calling.
Guess where the only place I could stay this summer is?
Now guess how I feel knowing this; especially since my Luv, for unrelated-to-me reasons, is dropping out too. I do have a plan, I'm applying to colleges near Philly and will move in with a couple of friends later this summer (July or August), but who knows if this will be enough. Who knows if I'll get too trapped and try to find a quicker way out.
I know I need to reconcile with my parents, but I don't think I can right now.
They're both from families that don't believe in not caring for their own, so rationally speaking, I shouldn't need to worry about getting thrown out.
I still have to worry about getting caged though.
But how can I live with or truly love people who don't see ME?
How can my mom say she loves me unconditionally when she can't even call me by an androgynous nickname?
I'll never be a parent--by choice--so I can't know what it's like, but saying I love you to her sounds lie a sham when I can't even expect a name that doesn't hurt.
I don't know how I will resolve this. I'll make a rough plan and improvise.
My friends know how I am when I'm there; I've told them not to let me isolate myself further while I'm there. Though its not their responsibility, I don't think they'll let me down.
Who knows, maybe I'll find a miracle and and reconcile with my parents, come out to the rest of my family, and win the megamillion lotto.
**The title is from the Spice Girl's Mama, which my mom loved and I hated when I was a SG fan way back when.
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love
Monday, May 5, 2008
Action Alert
As discussed here and here, The group members the APA has chosen to revise GID in the DSM-V include maybe a couple people that are both experienced with trans*folk and are not completely transphobic. The pdf also includes the names of those working on various other things, as I am not familiar with them, disability-rights activists might want to check up on them too.
But on the "Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders taskforce" are both Ray Blanchard and Kenneth Zucker (I refuse to call these frauds doctors).
Zucker being the fucking Chair of the group!
Most of the other members don't even work with trans*folk, but as trans*folk are not the only focus of the group that isn't that bad.
I encourage people to email the apa with their 'concerns' about the apa's poor choices.
Emails cribbed from Bilerico:
"The APA press release states that for further information regarding this, to contact Rhondalee Dean-Royce (rroyce@psych.org) and Sharon Reis (sreis@gymr.com), though it's possible that they may govern the press release only, rather than have any involvement in the decision to appoint Zucker."
It's really sad when laypeople such as myself know better than those folks with Ph.Ds who supposedly specialize in this.
ETA: Dr. Douglas Halderman is on the APA's board of directors.
"Dr. Halderman played a fundamental role in the APA's vocal opposition to "conversion therapies" to "cure" non-normative sexual orientation. It stands to reason that he would have a sensitive ear to our concerns about Zucker's appointment to lead a team on revising the DSM entry for gender identity disorders, when Zucker advocates using the same tactics to "treat" non-normative gender identity.
Douglas Halderman's website lists his contact information. Please write, phone, fax or email your concerns to:
Douglas C. Haldeman, Ph.D.
2001 Western Avenue, Suite 310
Seattle, WA 98121
Phone: (206) 443-4306
Fax: (206) 728-1180
Email: doughaldeman@aol.com"
ETA2: I didn't know that there are two APAs; the American Psychiatric Association as well as the American Psychological Association. Dr. Haldeman is with the Psychological Ass. and the Psychiatric Ass. is the one working on the DMS-V.
After searching I found this: How to contact the Psychiatric Ass.'s board's staff, their advisers, as well as the APA's general contact info.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Farming T3h Links
I just put in my two-weeks notice, so I should have more time to blog in a bit.
But for now, here are some links y'all should check out:
Brownfemipower's finale. I've linked to her before, though not as often as I should have--every post was amazing and worthwhile, and have loved her blog since I first read it. I will miss her and her voice in the blogsphere.
Great news for disability rights activists; An Illinois court has ruled that it is illegal to sterilize a disabled woman against her will. I got the story from Feministe, but the comments really suck. Whatever happened to "my body, my choice"?
"How We See Each Other", from Transgriot.
"Seems like everyone belongs to a group with a cause.
And whether they recognize it or not, many causes share a common desire to be accepted.If they'd start by accepting each other, we might get somewhere."
I've also been reading Tamora Pierce's posts on Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. They're an offshoot of the Mormon church that still practices polygamy and there is currently a case regarding the fact that they often "married" off little girls and forced them to have sex with and have the children of their 30+ year old "husbands" (aka, rapists).
I'm reading about how the only current sex worker on a panel discussing sex work, the only one who ever did porn on a panel focusing on porn, may be silenced by those who claim to be sex workers' and/or prostituted women's allies.
Because she said bullies should die, choking on their own blood under a truck. And some of those unnamed bullies included radical feminists.
This is apparently a threat on a specific person's life.
I started reading this, but I have to attempt to sleep before work tomorrow. I have to say, a lot of my relatives are or were working class. My mom had a manual labor job (until her heart issues forced her to quit) and my dad only became white collar because he jumped on the computer train when it first started (he went from electrician to keeping the network running). Most of my paternal relatives work in the Ford factories.
So far that I've read, I totally agree with Bill's old statement, Obama's words, and ABW.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
A few things...
#One, I edited the definitions post a bit.
#Two, re trans* vs. HBS: If you don't identify as trans* (transgender, transsexual, transman, etc.) than don't apply it to yourself. If you identify as a woman with HBS and not as a trans* woman than don't apply anything I say about trans*women or trans*folk to yourself. If whatever I'm saying is similar to what you've experienced or is true for you, but you don't identify as a trans*person then too bad--you don't get it both ways. If you don't want to identify, even just politically, with trans*folk then don't fucking apply yourself to my words. If you don't identify as trans*, but realize it is also a political group and an umbrella term and you believe you fall under one or both of those then you can, if you choose, apply what I say about trans*folk to yourself.
Basically, if you don't believe trans* applies to you than it doesn't and I don't want to deal with elitist HBS women (or, for that matter) and other elitists. (Fyi, I dislike both elitist HBS folks and elitist genderqueer/nonbinary folks--I've just met more of the former than the latter)
#Two-point-five, I agree with Raven Kaldera on whether or not transsexuality should be seen as or labeled as an intersex condition; ie: it shouldn't be. We should be allies an work together, but we are most definitely different groups (with some over-lap)--just like queer and trans*folk.
#Three, I haven't posted much lately because I have a new job (as well as a high libido and a willing boyfriend ^.~ no, I won't share details though). I also have various other offline issues like depression and spiritual and friend drama going on and I can't just ignore it (tried that, doesn't ever work).
#Four, because I want to voice my support though I don't have the time/energy for a blogwar, Blackamazon is totally more awesome and better-informed on PP history than The Apostate.
#Five, please support the Southall Black Sisters.
#Six, I wish I could've posted something for Sex Workers' Rights Day, but I don't think I even got online that day.
