Camp Trans is made of win

As I said before, CT was awesome.
Michfest is no longer it's main thing, though certainly its still important to CT. The "WBW"(such a BS phrase) policy is pretty much unenforced and it seems like the majority of festies either don't care if trans* women are there or want trans* women there. In fact, some festies who left early left their wristbands with CT for trans* women to get in and another festy donated money for tickets for trans* women. I missed the days we walked the line, but I heard that reception was mixed which is pretty normal. Though there were some folks that didn't talk to any negative people at all.
The mtf-spectrum folks who went to fest all had a good time, they even hosted a workshop on ENDA. One woman I talked to said that one festie she had spoken with in the line recognized her and came over and said hi and was very glad that she had made it into fest.

There was some bad news. A fest van crashed and, while I'm not sure about details, apparently one fest goer died. When we learned of this, as a community, we immediately decided to get flowers and bring them to the gates. So the next day folks donated money and a few campers went to town to get the flowers. According to those that brought the flowers, the gate keepers were very grateful and I guess there were tears and hugs all around.

Getting back to CT...
I was completely in love with the trans*-centric space there. When we introduced ourselves we gave both our names and our preferred pronouns. Everyone I spoke to respected the gender identities of the others. I can't really put into words how awesome this felt.
It was literally the first time I ever felt really, really safe and not on the defensive in regards to my gender. It was the first time I felt that complete strangers would respect my maleness without me having to hide my transsexuality.
It was just utterly amazing to go somewhere and not second-guess myself and distrust the folks around me (in regards to my gender).

There were all sorts of genders represented; people who identified within the traditional binary to people who couldn't fit into it if they tried. There were butch mtf-spectrum folks; fem ftm-spectrum folks (besides me, though I wasn't feeling all that fem while I was there); and all sorts of flavors of androgynous folks. There were people who didn't use pronouns; some who didn't care what pronouns you used; there were folks who got very offended (rightfully so) if you didn't use the right pronouns.
And there wasn't any excuse for using the wrong pronouns; not only did folks introduce themselves with their pronouns, but it was perfectly acceptable and welcome to ask someone which they prefer. And I say this as someone who did accidentally use the wrong pronouns a few times; and I too don't have any excuse--all I could do was apologize and work to not fuck up again.
But yeah, just being around so many awesome trans* folk and making friends with them and really finally understanding that I'm not alone was just amazing. I really recommend going if you are trans*--especially if you don't know a lot of trans* folk yet. Though obviously only go if you are able to respect all trans* folk. *glares at the HBS folks*
Allies are of course welcome, but this is a, especially a mtf-spectrum, trans*-centric space.
And while I think mtf-spectrum folks were under represented, it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be and there were a ton of totally awesome mtf-spectrum folks there. *waves at Cedar, Veronica, and everyone else*
There was also a lot of work on becoming better about class, race, disabilities, etc. It was sort of interesting because along with the folks who were in college and/or were rich enough to take a week long vacation, there were a lot of up who just didn't have a steady job or school who were able to come because we got rides or whatnot.
There weren't that many POC, but CT is working on trying to both be a more supportive and anti-racist place as well as reaching out to trans* people of color.
CT is also becoming pretty good about people with disabilities. We had an accessible porta poty this year. As well as folks who signed up to help with stuff like putting up/taking down tents for those who need help, carrying gear, etc. They also have a generator for things like power chairs.

There was also a great medic tent that anyone could go to. They had an herbalist, EMTs, and even a doctor for a bit. They did everything from advising about alternative treatments for long term things to removing ticks to giving folks their hormone shots.
There were also Advocates at most workshops and there was always at least one on duty and sober. They acted as amateur counselors, drama mediators, shoulder to cry on, etc.
I need an advocate now I think, I'm having a hard time writing this post because I want so badly to be back.

The workshops I went to were great. We had all kinds of workshops; serious ones like Accountability, fun ones like Ropes Bondage and Trans* bodies, identity-based ones like Genderqueer Caucus, and all sorts of others.
I attended one informative one about trans* and queer identities and science. An awesome festie ran it, she's a biologist and had all sorts of info and studies that apparently prove that queer, intersex, and trans* identities (at least regarding subconscious sex, gender isn't so concretely proven) are natural (I'm not a scientist and I didn't get a chance to read them through, so I can't say if they do prove anything). We exchanged emails and she got my url, so maybe she'll show up to comment sometime. It was amusing, when I mentioned my "how I experience trans*ism" post she seemed really interested in reading it. I guess my phantom limb syndrome really makes sense in her theory (something to do with the lymph system or something, I can't remember)[ETA: In comments she said it was the ancient mammalian limbic system of the brain, not the lymph system--I is SMRT].

The food was also really, really good. I need to get a hold of the vegan garlic potato soup we had for myself and I think my mom would like the vegan borst (though I'm not a fan of cooked carrots or beets, it was good).
Helping in the kitchen was a lot of fun. The kitchen princess (she's in charge of the kitchen and cooking) was really cool and workshifts were a useful and fun way to get to know more folks.
And you got extra helpings and/or treats for helping in the kitchen (cooking or dishes).

I don't remember how much I've talked about my depression or my current situation here in public, but I think CT will be the goal that gets me through. Not only do I have to goal to get to CT next year, but I hope to be in a place where I can work on various issues at CT.
Like I think that once I've started T, camp will be the perfect place to work on my nudity issues (CT is a very body-accepting place, but I just won't be able to work on certain body issues until I get on T). And I think that if I don't take on too much and keep my eyes on next August I could get through a school year okay, which means that I would have access to health care, which means I could go to an endo and get some vitamin T. I am waiting on my bf to see about possibly living somewhere outside of MI with him, but I think I will be able to deal if I do have to live in MI for a bit. Before I couldn't have dealt with that.
Even this year at CT, with all the problems I have currently, I was able to work on my confidence some while I was there, just by being there with such great people.
In less than a week I feel like I've healed and grown so much thanks to the wonderful folks I met there and the wonderful folks who put CT together these past few years.

And if anyone has any questions about CT feel free to ask. I'll answer what I can. ^.^
PS: CT friends should feel free to comment here or on my LJ (friend me to, I still read my friends page) at any time, I miss you all already. ^.^


ETA: [Removed because I'm not giving them energy]

ETA2: *waves to festies*
Hey, I hope you like my blog; theres a bunch of trans* 101 links to the side if you are interested. My friends who went to fest said it was a lot of fun! I'm glad you all have fun, personally. And I do support women-only space; I just support women-only space that includes all women.
CT was amazing and free (in more ways than one), maybe I'll see you all next year!

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Perception

Everyone wants me to be something.
They all have some view of who or what I am or should be.
How I should act. Why I am who I am.
Most don't believe me when I say I know who and what I am.
They tell me I'm wrong, that I'm really w, x, y and not Me.
Many folks tell me they know why I am who I am.
I don't really know the whys, yet I can tell that theirs aren't true and are harmful to many.

My dad just thinks what I am is a phase. I suppose that's true. After all, when I die I won't be a man anymore but a spirit instead and who knows about my next life--I could be anything.
I don't think that's what he means though.
My mom thinks it's her fault; that she did something wrong to make me a man.
I don't see why it's so bad, so wrong, to be a man, to be transsexual.

My friends don't see anything wrong with me. They don't try to figure out why I'm a man anymore than they try to figure out why any of our other friends are men or women. They might think about what made them who they are, but it's different to look at yourself.
My cis*male boyfriend just sees the man he's in love with; I'm just shaped a bit differently than he is.

The religious riech tells me I'm a pervert, confused, and disordered. That I need to be made into a submissive, straight, Christian woman.

mAndrea, KA, Thebewilderness, Janice Raymond, and others like them think I'm a pervert, a traitor, disordered, or deceiving myself. That I need to make myself into an andro or masculine political lesbian,

But when I look at myself, I see a man, a geeky man. A man who is pretty sure of who he is, growing surer all the time, and trying to find his place in the world.
I see a guy who happens to mostly like other men, who likes weaving, reading, and making jewelry.
A man who likes feeling the Earth and hir energy; who will go outside when it's storming to feel the wind against his face.
A man who is in love with a great guy who is in love with him back.

I see a man who often feels invisible and misplaced in the world, but who is slowly learning to speak out and carve a place for himself.
And looking at me are the men I might become. The better men are coming closer all the time and the lesser men are fading from view.

I won't bow out and hide myself away again. I won't bow to the pressure of others and become a shadow of a man pretending to be a girl.
I won't listen when they say they know who I am and who I should be. I will ignore or laugh and ridicule those who presume to speak for me without listening.
I don't care why I am who I am; but I will tell you when your theories are wrong or harmful.

I will be supported by my boyfriend and friends and loved ones I have yet to meet; they see the man I am and the men I might be. I will follow my heart and soul and mind to where I should be.
Being myself and speaking my truths, no matter how they harm your theories, will do more for the universe and it's peoples than fading away and letting the minds and needs of others control me.

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There is a continuum ya know

So, I'm thinking of a few posts I have in the works (and as I write this intro I'm still not sure which this post will turn out to be); one on my childhood[trannyhood], women-only space and "WBW"-only space, or one about me my genitals and sex. Being in my childhood home, filled with memories, I don't feel like crying (no I wasn't abused or anything. It's just that I really, really miss my cat, my best friend for over a decade, and this house is filled with memories of her).
Or, as seems to be popular, write about my thoughts on WBW and women-only space. Not only do I find that topic to be becoming somewhat boring, but I also feel...odd commenting on the validity of women-only space as I am a man. Perhaps, when I've thought more about it, I will write on being a man in women-only space (while my school itself was co-ed, the dorms and certain classes were single-sex) and how gorram uncomfortable it was.

So, since I miss my boyfriend (and sex), I'll write about sex.


Ok, fooled ya, I'll write about my relationship with my body as well as give an unsexy and probably somewhat clinical overview of how the romantic and sexual relationship with my BF have progressed. I've been reading the comments on certain posts over at Bilerico and I am somewhat amused by how guys like me went from a HBS/transsexual man to "woman with a fetish" due to a single act.

Plus, it gives me a chance to brag about how much I like most of my body; despite having confidence problems in some areas, I am still quite vain (I am a Slytherin after all). ^.^

Moreover, I recently found the text of Eli Clare's speech given at the Philly Trans* health conference and it is so amazing.
Looking at shame and body shame; specifically within trans* and disability contexts:
“This obsession with cure turns disabled bodies into medical problems to be solved. In doing so, it ignores disability as an issue of social justice. Ignores that many disabled people would rather put an end to ableism than have our bodies “fixed.” Of course this gets complicated when I turn back to trans community, to those of us who seek to reshape our gendered and sexed bodies. But really it’s not our desire or need for bodily change that I’m challenging here. Rather, it’s how we name those desires and needs, because to claim our bodies as defective and to pair defect with cure, not only disregards the experiences of many disabled people, it also leaves us as trans people wide open to shame...Of course there’s another important strand of naming at work in our communities—a strand that declares transness not a disease, gender nonconformity not a pathology, and bodily uniqueness not an illness, a strand that turns the word dysphoria inside out, claiming that we are not the ones dysphoric about our genders, but rather dysphoria lives in the world’s response to us. This naming acts as a necessary counterbalance. But I have to ask: what about those of us who do in truth deal with deep, persistent body disonnance, discomfort, dysphoria? A social justice politics by itself will never be enough to resist shame. ”
I see my transsexuality as a medical condition (not defect) and medical transition as a way of treating my body dissonance. But I still agree with Eli, being trans* (or disabled) does not make us defective, it is society and how society sees and treats us that is defective. Yes, both groups may need treatment, but we don't need to be disappeared or 'cured' into normalcy. As I re-state later, we also have the right to refuse treatment or to choose an alternate treatment to the mainstream options.

Okay, back to me and my body; I just wanted to give a shout out to that fantastic speech.

My relationship with my body is rather complicated to say the least.

I am quite happy with most of my body. While my hair does not always cooperate, I find it to be pleasing to the sight and touch--especially when I can dye it green. My face is attractive enough I suppose, I wish my lips weren't quite so pink though--makes me look like I'm wearing pink lipstick and I look too much like a girl if I cover them with black or deep brown instead...
I am quite fond of my legs, nicely shaped imo and with a decent amount of hair. While I wish I was taller, it's not a major issue .
My arms, despite being thin, are actually quite "masculine" being as they are quite hairy and have visible veins. They are actually one of my favorite body parts, not just because of how they help me pass as a cis*guy, but their overall look, shape and texture and whatnot, is quite pleasing to my eyes--I love the almost blue cast my veins give my arms.

I have some problems with my torso and hip areas though.
I always have bruises on my hips; while they are still relatively narrow, I still forget how wide they are and I bump into walls and tables.
I have a great deal of dissonance regarding my chest; I'll go to take off my shirt and, sometimes, I will be honestly surprised that I have gynecomastia (breast growth on men).
Luckily for me, it isn't a very bad case, a sports bra and a bit of layering is enough to hide it most of the time. But...my group of friends enjoys having "shirtless o' clock" and I enjoy being nude when it's just my BF and I. Moreover, it is incredibly uncomfortable wearing four layers in 80 degree weather. I want it gone, not just hidden.
There are times, like now actually, when I only take a shower every other day just so that I don't have to confront the dissonance.
I pray to the Gods that when I eventually start hormones there will be enough fat redistribution to take care of it. I don't want to put myself at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and hospital staff and insurance companies more than I have to. I've heard too many stories, even just from friends and family, about uncaring nurses, insurance bureaucracy, transphobic staff, and the like. Not to forget that I hate the idea of being helpless and unconscious as some strangers cut me open; if I can I will most definitely have a friend watch over the surgery to make sure nothing happens. And a night at a hospital scares me; what if I get a nurse like the one my mom had after her heart surgery--one who refused to come to help and who left my mom's ESL roommate in pain because she couldn't be bothered to show her where or how the "morphine button" worked. And this is 'just' about top-surgery, How will I feel about genital surgery? Though, for anyone not aware, top-surgery is often deemed more important than any genital surgery by many transgender and transsexual guys (according to what I've seen over the years in various ftm communities).

Ahh... now for the uncomfortable part: my genitals.
Truth be told, I used to hate them.
Growing up and even into adolescence, I would 'hold it' for as long as I could before going to the bathroom--I couldn't stand to sit. Later, when I first attempted to masturbate I disassociated myself entirely and found no enjoyment.
And even later, when my BF and I were first starting to go beyond kissing, I told him to ignore and pretend like I didn't have a vagina at all; and that I wasn't sure about the rest of the area, but he wouldn't be the only one getting any fun.
Eventually, we started to do more than kiss. Eventually, we found things that didn't set off my dissonance too badly that were still fun for the both of us. And, eventually, I came to trust that he sees me as a guy no matter what. No matter that my chest wasn't flat when unclothed, no matter that I didn't have a typical cock, no matter that I have an extra hole.

So, after much thinking and me having to convince him that I actually wanted to, we tried PIV.
And I found that it wasn't so bad--that as long as he still saw me as a man I was usually able to ignore the dissonance.
And surprisingly, I found that when I was feeling bad about being trans*, when I wasn't passing, when I felt like it would be better to just hit the reset button on this life...that having my most important person be made acutely aware of how my body is not male-assigned and yet still having him see me as 100% man was enough to get me through (the orgasms afterwards helped too of course).
It's not a fetish. I still can't masturbate and I'm sure that it'll take a lot of time to develop this level of trust in my future relationships.
It's validation from my most important person; the feeling of love and trust mixed with the knowledge that no matter what I am a man...it isn't sexual for me--it's something else entirely--English doesn't have the words to describe how it feels for me.

As for the penis (and lack of a vag') making the man... Well, in my case I'd really like a peen, my map says I should have one and there is no way I can describe how much it hurts to have my body not match my map that badly. Hopefully hormones, when I eventually go on them (no insurance and it's bloody hard to find anywhere that'll sell T without a script), will make my dick grow enough to lessen the discord to a manageable level... But I'm pretty sure I'll keep the vag'; I've grown to like it, the dissonance surrounding it is manageable, and PIV is way easier than anal (and I am so very lazy).
So anyone, be they HBS or Christian or feminist or have letters after their name, wants to tell me that learning to cope with a vag' makes me less of a man...well they can go fuck themselves with rusty railroad spikes.

Not respecting trans* identities because that person is not as disphoric as you think they need to be is cissexism; it's just as cissexist as not respecting trans* identities period.

My body is my own; I will change what I believe will lessen the most dissonance, keep what I can learn to live with or even cherish, and leave the parts that were never a problem alone.
And I do want genital surgery, but this doesn't make me more of a man than a guy who has been able to deal with, or never had, the same level of dissonance about his genitals (same idea for women btw).
I don't think every trans*person can, or should, attempt to live their life without surgery/hormones. Some people just don't have the same levels of dissonance, some people are able to work through it without hormones and/or surgery. But I also don't think that medical transition, or surgery, should be requirements for being a transsexual or for legal transition.

I won't live my life without medical transition; if I am prevented for too long I know that I'll eventually kill myself. The dissonance is that great; and learning to live with my body-as-is is merely a stopgap measure to help me deal until I can medically transition. But this also means that I can see how a trans*person with less dissonance can work through their dissonance enough to live without medical transition. Remember, some people can pass without any medical transition. And some people don't care as much about passing as a cis*person as long as their loved ones see them as who they are.
I can also see that some people need medical transition ASAP and that hormones and surgery mean a lot to them. Sometimes, it must seem like some transgender folks are saying that anyone can or should live without medical transition (and there are some folks that do believe that); that medical transition isn't important.
And some of these folks think that all trans*/transgender folks think that no one should have them.
And while I can see it from their point of view...they need to stop and learn that even if someone doesn't need surgery that doesn't mean that they necessarily believe that no one needs surgery.
Furthermore, just as important, that one's medical decisions do not change their identity and nor do they define their identity. People have the right to seek alternate treatments and moreover I do not know of any medical condition that is diagnosed by the treatments one chooses to use.

I don't know where my transition will take me. I won't let others tell me what i have to do to be respected or a valid man. I won't let anyone tell other folks what they must do to be respected or a valid person either. Everyone is different and should be respected.
Nature abhors rigid categories; humans are the ones that create and define rigid categories, not Her.

“Although I doubt there is one complete passage between shame and pride, there are many tunnels through the thicket, and on the other side lives an openness that lets us slide into our bodies and makes space for persistent joy and comfort. Body love can wake us up in the morning, put us to bed at night, visit us as we’re dressing to go out or just singing along to our favorite song. These moments don’t usually arrive as big, as loud, as brash, as a Pride parade. They just show up one day in the mirror or the camera, not that we’ve passively waited for them. No, we’re all too aware of how hard we’ve worked for them, but still they arrive unexpected. Sometimes in community or with a single friend. Sometimes with the encouragement of families and partners, or in collaboration with health care providers and therapists. Sometimes they arrive as we’re rabblerousing in the streets or when we’re stuffing envelopes for the next fundraiser. They arrive as we tromp through the woods or walk down the street or dance up a storm on Friday night.
However those moments arrive, let’s build community that nurtures them. Let’s figure out ways of naming bodily difference that fosters comfort and joy. Let’s build a politics that holds space, safety, options, and shuts no one out. Let’s pay attention to shame as both a community issue and a health issue. Let’s create the space to make our bodies home, filling our skin to its very edges.”--Eli Clare

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