Why I haven't been blogging much at the moment.
Though I have been working on a few posts...I get distracted easily.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Shiny!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Yeah, just more links
Plastics and other commonly-used chemicals may be responsible for early puberty (as in 14-month old babies and 7 year old girls). I already don't eat meat and try to use soaps without chemicals in them...but I know its impossible to get away from them all.
Kate Bornstein on WALL-E. I <3 loneliness, WALL-E, and being trans*.
(I got both links from Helen).
Queen Emily is guestposting on Lisa's blog; she's doing an awesome job looking at common cissexist/transmisogynist tropes. So far, "You're really just a man/woman" and "patriarchal privilege" are up; and the comments are pretty good too imo.
London Pride shouldn't be proud of how they treated (and their non-apology) trans*women. At Pride, trans*women were barred from using the women's restrooms. The stewards called the police on them and the police demanded their gender recognition certificates. WTF.
The People's History of the American Empire (video).
Debs did a "Rape News Round-up".
And now I want to get a few of these books...
Bint Alshamsa tells us not to call her "differently abled".
Measure of Medication from Gehenna.
Over at Radical Masculinity there is a call for discussion about creating healthy models of masculinity. The posts sie (?) links to are very good reading (one of which is a critique of Robert Jenson's views on masculinity, the other is on butch identity and ableism). I highly recommend a lot of the posts on RM; Genderqueer Genders in Society and Masculine Privilege Without Male Privilege? are two great ones.
Also, if I'm still in MI I really want to go to Camp Trans. Is anyone else going?
Type rest of the post here
Saturday, July 12, 2008
To All the Real Christians
I have no memory of where I got this picture (I'd give credit if I could), but I named it "christbeatendefendingqueer"--that would be "christ beaten defending queer"--when I saved it.
My mind went directly to this picture when I read this story.
A young trans*woman was attacked by four teens: Tyreek Childs, 17; Trevaugn Payne, 16; Shara Mozie, 17, and a 15-year-old whose name was not released because of his age.
This isn't all that uncommon, unfortunately.
What is uncommon is that the priest who runs the shelter the woman lives in came out, along with other residents, and drove the boys away. And then when the guys came back with their metal pipes and paint cans, Father Braxton tried to reason with them, tried to get them to leave.
He was beaten for his care, of course. So were two of the residents who came to his rescue.
Luckily, Tyreek, Trevaugn, Shara, and the unnamed were picked up by police and are looking at actual charges.
This is what real Christians would do, protect the week and the oppressed.
Don't believe me? Read the fucking gospels.
I am not a Christian, but my parents are and so I went to bible school and read the bible. Back in middle and high school I went through and read a fair amount of it.
When the priests come to Jesus and try to trick him, they ask him what the most important commandment is.
His answer? Love God and love your neighbor as you love me.
Your 'neighbor' is anyone and everyone; no matter their creed or nationality or any other distinction.
Folks like:
Fred Phelps, Exodus International, George W. Bush, The Catholic Church (the organization, not all catholics), and these boys?
Not acting like Christians.
I don't care what your beliefs are.
But when you use your beliefs as an excuse to attack, murder, and rape people...
When you use those beliefs as an excuse to make it near impossible for us to get legal jobs, to find housing, to go to school, to get medical attention...
Then I do care. I care because you right to believe has interfered with others' right to live.
Making it impossible for us to live as ourselves, instead of some script we were slapped on the ass with, is just as bad in my opinion.
Maybe its just me, but I'd rather risk murder and assault because I'm living as myself than live trapped as someone else.
My first boyfriend was a real Christian. At the time, I admit I was very bitter towards Christians and Christianity and he helped me get over it.
He, I'll call him J, believed in Christ's most important commandment. He believed deeply that that commandment was the main way of being Christian and that all that other stuff--going to church to who you fucked--was not nearly as important.
Showing, no being, Christ's love for your fellows is how to be a Christian.
I dated J in the early part of my sophomore year of high school, right before I came out to myself (I'll talk about that in another post). He graduated at the end of that year and we lost touch of each other. So I have no idea what he'd think of me now, or what he'd think of my transition. Or that he's dated another guy. But I think he'd be happy that I'm finally coming into myself; that I'm not hiding and pretending like I used to.
I'm not a Christian, but I like Christ. I like his lessons and I think he was often right (not so much his followers). I hope any Christians reading this, who don't already know Christ's most important commandment, will take heed and follow it.
Or at least, think of it.
Think of His words when you call something gay or retarded instead of irritating. Think on them when you choose to hire a white/cissexual/male/hetero/etc person instead of an equally or more competent POC/trans*/female/queer/etc person. Remember His words when you ignore, or join in, the teasing of a queer/trans*/disabled/POC/etc.
When you come across a situation where someone is being hurt, think on what Christ would do.
Would he join in? Would he ignore it? Or would he put a stop to it? Or, would he help the person afterwards, whether giving a kind word or buying them lunch?
Even if you're not a Christian, think on what is the right action.
PS: Don't read the comments on the NYdaily website. Just don't.
Monday, July 7, 2008
3rd person is 3rd person
Kristopher went away to be hounded and guilt-tripped for several days nonstop, cut off from all his Important People.
Kristopher was already depressed and lonely and therefore did not need more bad energies.
Then Kristopher came back to find that there was drama everywhere. And not just where or how he expected it. Moreover, drama between people he sees as e-friends and bad drama in places he hoped to stay fun/good so that he could stay sane. >.<
Kristopher also found out he may be confined to MI for this Autumn--which is very, very, very, very, very...very bad.
Therefore, Kristopher will probably ignore the world and read fanfiction and World of Darkness rulebooks** nonstop for the next few days.
Somehow, he thinks isolation will fix loneliness and depression; whats the worst thing that could happen? It's not like he hasn't already tried this and had bad things happen as a result... oh wait...
Kristopher would very much like to cuddle and wrestle with his boyfriend as this makes everything look nicer; far, far away from their relatives would be nice too.
Unfortunately, Kristopher will only see the boyfriend when Kristopher is out of MI.
At least if Kristopher is in MI during August he might be able to go to Camp Trans. That would still be a maybe though, as that may be Too Much for parents to handle and gas is really expensive. (though he, unlike some *coughcoughheartcoughcough*, will not pass a collection plate so that he can go and buy handmade soaps and clothes)
PS: I remembered my first evar dream! I have never, ever, ever remembered a dream before. I thought I was magically unable to dream or something!
This dream? Totally a message, though of what I don't know; I need to talk about it with certain friends f mine who are better at spiritual stuffs than i am. Unfortunately, they have not been very reachable (computer died, they have jobs, etc) lately and so this may take a while. >.<
And can anyone tell I am trying to procrastinate against sleeping? Sleeping alone is boring and we hates it, yes precious we hates it.
Can someone teleport my boyfriend here for me? Cause then i could sleep and cuddle and wrestle; everything a growing boy needs...
**At least kristopher will find it useful for that monster post he has floating around in his head.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Up, Up, Away
I'm going to be offline for a little bit, seeing family out in the boonies. Seriously, there isn't even a landline at the house (luckily, there is plumbing and electricity; unless theres a storm).
Comments are going to be moderated while I'm gone to prevent trolling (to be fair, I have been poking at them recently).
To everyone else, sorry if your comment isn't seen for a bit, I'll approve comments when I get back. ^.^
Heres what I've been reading lately, mostly anti-racism type stuff:
The myth of reverse racism
Baby-Stepping away from racism, a guide for white folk.
And a link-roundup of other anti-racism guides and the like; unfortunately, I don't have time to read them all before leaving.
I've got a few books and game boy games to take with me so I shouldn't be too bored. ^.^
Maybe I'll finally get a chance to just sit down and read bell hook's Salvation: Black People and Love or Eliade's The Sacred and Profane... Maybe if I leave my fantasy/scifi at home I'll actually read them instead of just talking about reading them. >.<
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Moar Links Part 2
Meh, instead of reading stupid people, read these awesome posts:
There was a hearing on discrimination against trans*folk in the workplace.
Monica writes about how the hearing was nearly all white, as in there was one POC total. This sucks, but she's already said that and more.
Anti-racist groups finally respond to the beating of Ms. Johnson by officers McRae and Swain.
Data is awesome.
Theres more there, go read now.
Ren has something to say about anti-porn folks distributing porn to minors and Federal law 2257.
"Oh, and I am curious, are people CARDED before attending one of these events? Viewing the slideshow on line? If not, then anyone and everyone involved in this program is guilty of showing pornography to minors…oddly enough, John Stagliano is in court for such things… do the same laws not apply?"
Ren also takes on mAndrea's m00nlogic. Before answering folks questions about porn.
Ren is awesome.
SnowdropExplodes also takes on mAndea and her "logic' and "proofs".
I've added a couple things to my trans* 101/201 link list that you should check out. Theres a little bit on different definitions and ways to look at "gender". Julia Serano also wrote a nice piece on how calling gender a construct or performance is not helpful or useful.
I got them from Helen G, thanks!
Cara addresses the transphobia in feminism.
Daisy, as well as various commenters, have addressed Heart's "fight the lies" blog.
Shiva muses on disability hate crimes and why we don't look at them that way.
Little Light is thinking about olive trees (and no, it has nothing to do with the "feminist carnival").
I am also a dork. ^.^
ETA: Elly, if you're the same Elly commenting over at mAndrea's, I salute you!
While I doubt mAndrea will listen, perhaps a few of her commenters/lurkers might. You are great!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Perception
Everyone wants me to be something.
They all have some view of who or what I am or should be.
How I should act. Why I am who I am.
Most don't believe me when I say I know who and what I am.
They tell me I'm wrong, that I'm really w, x, y and not Me.
Many folks tell me they know why I am who I am.
I don't really know the whys, yet I can tell that theirs aren't true and are harmful to many.
My dad just thinks what I am is a phase. I suppose that's true. After all, when I die I won't be a man anymore but a spirit instead and who knows about my next life--I could be anything.
I don't think that's what he means though.
My mom thinks it's her fault; that she did something wrong to make me a man.
I don't see why it's so bad, so wrong, to be a man, to be transsexual.
My friends don't see anything wrong with me. They don't try to figure out why I'm a man anymore than they try to figure out why any of our other friends are men or women. They might think about what made them who they are, but it's different to look at yourself.
My cis*male boyfriend just sees the man he's in love with; I'm just shaped a bit differently than he is.
The religious riech tells me I'm a pervert, confused, and disordered. That I need to be made into a submissive, straight, Christian woman.
mAndrea, KA, Thebewilderness, Janice Raymond, and others like them think I'm a pervert, a traitor, disordered, or deceiving myself. That I need to make myself into an andro or masculine political lesbian,
But when I look at myself, I see a man, a geeky man. A man who is pretty sure of who he is, growing surer all the time, and trying to find his place in the world.
I see a guy who happens to mostly like other men, who likes weaving, reading, and making jewelry.
A man who likes feeling the Earth and hir energy; who will go outside when it's storming to feel the wind against his face.
A man who is in love with a great guy who is in love with him back.
I see a man who often feels invisible and misplaced in the world, but who is slowly learning to speak out and carve a place for himself.
And looking at me are the men I might become. The better men are coming closer all the time and the lesser men are fading from view.
I won't bow out and hide myself away again. I won't bow to the pressure of others and become a shadow of a man pretending to be a girl.
I won't listen when they say they know who I am and who I should be. I will ignore or laugh and ridicule those who presume to speak for me without listening.
I don't care why I am who I am; but I will tell you when your theories are wrong or harmful.
I will be supported by my boyfriend and friends and loved ones I have yet to meet; they see the man I am and the men I might be. I will follow my heart and soul and mind to where I should be.
Being myself and speaking my truths, no matter how they harm your theories, will do more for the universe and it's peoples than fading away and letting the minds and needs of others control me.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Meme BreakEmily
Emily tagged me for a meme, so I can take a break from t3h stupid for a bit. ^.^
8 random things about me:
1) I 'talk' to my cats. I can meow, growl, and make other various noises and can have 'conversations' with them. And not just my cats, I do this with stranger cats too. The neighbor's cat likes me, I chat with him and he seems to like me--he tried to get me to hang out under the car with him before it rained one day. ^.^
2) I dislike the water, yet there are a few situations where I love it. Swimming in large lakes/the ocean when it's storming is one of the few times I like the water.
3) I'm a vegetarian, yet one of my favorite things about eating baby carrot sticks is that I like to imagine they are bones I'm snapping and chewing on.
4) My parents disagree, but my bf and I think I may have broken a rib as a child because not only is one rib shaped oddly/sticking out weird but I sometimes have a hard time breathing (not asthma though).
5) I love peach soda; both Faygo brand and those Japanese bottles with the marbles brand.
6) I love walking barefoot--even in the city. I can handle walking on pavement and gravel as well as soft surfaces like sand and mud.
7) My music tastes range from death metal (Dethklok) to disney songs (Stand Out--A Goofy Movie).
8) I hate cut lawns. Grass should grow to at least my knees and have a bunch of other plants mixed in. Cut lawns look like shit imo.
Should they choose to accept it, I tag anyone who wants to.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Appleseeds!
So, given that I have seen some interest in this and she's been linked to in a feminist carnival (I'll link to this response instead because t3h awesomeness), I'm going to address and/or snark (whichever works) Miss Andrea's "Deconstructing Transgenderism" posts and comments. Seriously, she leaves these comments all over; reminds me of the rabbit shit left all over when you don't train them to use the litterbox.
Warning, this post will contain snark, condenscendationz, speaking in lolcat and 1337, geeky references, and some actual logic-not moonlogic. I will not be nice. I am not obliged to answer or refute every little thing Andrea says, especially as much of it is illogical and/or based off of strawtrannies. Moreover, I and other trans*folk have answered it all before.
Hopefully, trans*folks and our friends and allies can find my snarking amusing; hopefully my head won't plode from the fail. Yes, plode; my head could explode or implode, the fail is that high.
Hokay, so, heres the earth...oh wait, rong, its da m00n.
Here's the first post (no technorati ratings for you! http://feminazi.wordpress.com/2008/01/15/no-really-im-evil-transgenderism-preliminaries/), where she links to a nice post on the fword. Hey, it's on my trans* 101/201 links! Nifty.
Then she starts on about how she's addressing the "broader philosophical concept" and not individuals, but we'll see that she completely fails at this.
Next she starts talking about how some parts are not the whole and how feminists need to learn this and I sit and think she needs to practice what she preaches, but what the hell do I know? I'm a tranny, therefore retardedz and disorderedz. Somehow this ties into crying girls and pity shields against deconstruction... I think Andrea needs to go back and learn how to organize paragraphs and sentences; and the definition of 'logical' and 'argument'. I'm not the only one that thinks so, so it's not just my reading abilities; and I can make sense of Eliade and Tolkien and the like! I is smart: SMRT!
Oh look, now she's talking about how we can either look at the larger issue or make it about you and we can't have both.
So if I'm discussing how women (trans* & cis*) are treated shitty compared to cis*men, y'all can't give personal examples? Oh, and now apparently it's impossible to talk about someone, their experiences, and/or feelings without being mean. OK, the next time I discuss what it's like to be trans* I'll keep this in mind--by talking about me I've made it okay to call me a retard and a liar. Makes total logical sense; moonlogic that is.
And just as "freshly raped" person shouldn't argue about rape, freshly transitioned folks shouldn't argue about trans*ism. Yesh, this makes t0t4l s3ns3! 0, and that phrase, "freshly raped", is a direct quote. *headdesk*
Ya Rly, leik t0ta11y wh0a.
This post is all rather rambling and doesn't seem to say much. Except, of course, lulz 2 c0me!eleventyone
Now, "Deconstructing Transgenderism Part One":
After some more rambling, we come to this bit of fun, "Unless I am mistaken, she[Twisty] likes transgendered folk for the same reason that most feminists seem to like them — they prove gender is fluid."
So, I know there are some folks out there that think that we prove gender is fluid and being trans* destabilizes the pat and all that jazz. I've met, liek, one person that thought this, but then maybe I just haven't been in the right groups. Julia Serano talks about this sort of thinking in Whipping Girl and I think she, as someone who has had experience with them, is better at refuting this than I could be. To summarize Ms Serano's points: this sort of thinking privileges 'subversive' genders and gender expressions over 'conventional' ones. Moreover, they often ungender trans*folk who identify within the man/woman binary.
And there are obviously leik no feminists who like us because, ya know, we're their friends/family/coworkers/etc. and we're human beings. And, ya know, they don't think they have sup4r mind reading p0wers to disprove what we say about ourselves.
Next she acts like all trans*folk transition 'all the way to the end' (whatev that means) and identify within the binary. [insert long and verbose screed about how not all trans*folk transition or identify within binary; check out my trans* 101 links if you need it]
Unfortunately, all her posts and comments that I've seen seem to think this, so yeah. She's leik, way behind trans* activism and theories and whatnotz. Sooo 1950's.
And then theres more ranting about how no one would transition if we didn't think certain traits were male and others female...And I sit here thinking about how if that was why I transitioned I did it in the wrong direction.
...and now theres more of that wonderful "penis to pick up a hammer" analogy (only now with more sodium!vaginas picking up vacuums!) I quoted before... Dear Gods, why? Why must you keep referencing tentacle monsters and hentai! I didn't bring it up, you and your commenters do! It's your porno mind, not mine!
NOT MY KINK! But give me Sam/Bee transformers pron anyday...
And now, slightly better, I get the picture of stereotypical!gay-man-who-thinks-he-must-transition going around in a vag' boutique choosing which one he wants...while he has a little dog in his purse. And for some reason he looks and acts like Carson from Queer eye...
plx, save me?
Noes! Cannot be sav3d, i must make my time
now there is old meme, we transition for fetish or cause we gay. old meme makes Snape take points from Gryffindor; now you lose house cup.
Lastly theres something or other about trans*women's tear-stained bits...
Again, not my kink...
But, I can't forget the comments! Noes, t3h comments are almost better than the post itself. Theres the: OMGz!!! Trannies are totally trannies because they like hentai!! All tranies leik t3h hentai!
OMGz, fetish! perverts! disorderz! rapeistez! schitzoes! OMGZ!!!!!!11111!eleventyoneoneOhNoes!
"I can has hentai?" says the strawtranny.
"I madez you a hentai, but radfems eated pastryarchy" says the sex pox feminist.
There, we learn from t3h genious KA, that we all gotz t3h fetish or t3h OCD. I guess I must has t3h OCD since I don't has t3h fetish. Maybe I catch the fetish from my trans* friends? Afterallz, I can't stand being left out; justt leik I am a man because of how manly I amz. *strikes a pose*
*trips on feather boa* oops, my slip is teh showing.
Sastuma yet again tells how real lesbians don't like sex or porn... Maybe she knows all the lesbians who bring up sex are actually mtf folks because of her clear-eyed lesbean gaze?
KA does a remix on the trans*women luurve being abused whores trope:
"It’s the rape and total control over a synthetic female body, giving him and any other man he includes full access to treating women the way they both love to fetishize treating women. They then strengthen the conditioned response to female parts with their misogynist sex.That’s why you see so many misogynists patronizing MtF prostitutes, and MtF prostitutes happy to do it. Sexist men look out for each other and will cooperate to control women’s bodies in any novel way they can think of."
Yes, KA and Andrea (she told KA she loved her comments and how true the are) are saying that trans*women like being raped. That they like being prostitutes because they like enacting abuse on "synthetic female bodies".
I cannot make a joke out of this. And on that note, I'm done for now. After I eat and do the dishes I'll do the third post and various comments in another post. The FAIL, especially that last bit I quoted, is making me literally sick.
ETA: mAndrea does believe in differences between the sexes!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
meh
Hokay, so, I'm just going to direct y'all over to Transgriot because she's got a few awesome posts up (then again, when doesn't she?).
And I'm thinking about writing up a post snarking, fisking, or even attempting to refute this one self-identified feminazi's posts and comments on "transgenderism", but I don't know if I want to break my brain. Here is why this could very well break my poor wittle tranny-brain;
"Most transgendered will say that their goal isn’t to “do” any activity, they will say that they just “are” a certain way. Does this make sense? One is an activity that is “done”, the other is a state of being that “is”.
Let’s go through that, just to doublecheck:
You don’t need a penis to pick up a hammer. In other words, you don’t need a penis to “do”.
You don’t need a penis to think about hammers. In other words, you don’t need a penis to “think.”
You don’t need a penis to feel any emotion for hammers. In other words, you don’t need a penis to “feel”.
You don’t need a penis to feel or to not-feel any emotion at all.
Emotions are feelings. To feel an emotion is a state of “being”.
OOPS!! We just used logic to rule out their only explaination. The only explaination left is that it’s a fetish. After 30 years of having this conversation, they still can’t explain why it’s not a fetish."
Yeah...do you see how I could have a hard time translating this moonspeak?
And she talks about how logical she is and how illogical we trannies are; how we just keep trying to appeal to emotions and she doesn't and can't condone appealing to emotions and not logic... o.o
Yeah, apparently, disgust, anger, etc. (the emotions her posts/comments appeal to) aren't really emotions or are somehow logical.
...And now I am, for some reason, imagining a penis that is like an elephant's trunk picking up a hammer. DO NOT WANT
Hmmm, maybe later I'll just go through and make fun of the particularly stupid parts (like that gem above). I just honestly can't believe that she seriously thinks she's proving anything or acting logically. She's made a couple posts on "transgenderism", one of her commenters produced that wonderful idea that some trans*folk are only trans* because we have OCD about our genitals. And she trolled Lisa's blog with the same shit as she did on Anji's, just a bit less of it. BTW, I did answer the "prove it's not a fetish" meme in Lisa's comments. And then, since m andrea never came back, we started to chat about which super powers are better (shapeshifting FTW) among other things. ^.^
I've had friends that were very logical; one is so logical she intuits calculus. And when I explained trans*ism and me being a guy to her she basically went, "Huh, alright, that makes sense. Oh hey, can you find me some resources on asexuality? I have no idea where to even look."
ETA: I'm thinking I'll only do a post on m andrea's "logic" if folks are interested; theres no point in engaging unless I can at least make others laugh, cry, headdesk, etc. ^.^ So just tell me if you are, or are not, interested in reading such a post (though I doubt I will go too deep, I like what little sanity I have left).
Friday, June 20, 2008
Actual good news
Apparently, it's time for congress to have it's first ever meeting on trans* issues!
"The hearing, "An Examination of Discrimination Against Transgender Americans in the Workplace," is scheduled for Thursday, June 26, 2008 at 10:30 am in room 2175 of Rayburn House Office Building. Congressman Rob Andrews (D-NJ) called the hearing as Chairman of the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions (HELP) subcommittee of the Committee on Education and Labor."
And earlier, the American Medical Association (AMA) said that trans*folk should get our medical needs covered under insurance.
Hopefully some real change results from this...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Triggers
In the same vein as my last post...
Apparently it is fine to beat trans*folk when they refuse to be considered less than human. Yep, if that uppity tranny won't bow it's head and kiss your police boots when you call it faggot and heshe you can just beat it and spray mace in it's face. The worst that'll happen is you'll lose your job (only if you were already on probation though).
Just ask Ms. Johnson, she can tell you all about it. Oh yeah, after she was beaten and maced she was handcuffed and left in pain on the floor as a nurse completely ignores her. Funtimes ya'll.
While she was arrested on charges of prostitution, who knows if that's true, and that still doesn't make it all right.
No one deserves to be treated like that.
Moreover, trans*women can be arrested for prostitution for walking down the street or going to a party. Hellfires, they can be arrested or threatened with arrest for prostitution because they went 2 miles over the speed limit. I've talked about police brutality before, but it's still happening and it's still not known about.
"Women of color, and particularly transgender women of color, are often perceived by police through racialized and gendered stereotypes framing us as highly sexualized and sexually available. Law enforcement officers’ internalization and perpetuation of these stereotypes, combined with the high degree of discretion afforded by vague “quality of life” regulations, results in police profiling women of color, and particularly transgender women of color, as sex workers,and selective targeting of women of color for harassment, detention, and arrest." (from INCITE!)
"A Native American transgender woman reported that two Los Angeles police officers handcuffed her and took her to an alleyway. One officer reportedly hit her across the face, saying "you f---ing whore, you f---ing faggot," then threw her down on the back of the patrol car, ripped off her miniskirt and her underwear and raped her, holding her down and grabbing her hair. The second officer is also alleged to have raped her. According to the woman, they threw her on the ground and said, "That's what you deserve," and left her there." (from Amnesty International)
"One officer got in my face with the most vile insults I could imagine, his buddy stood nearby, night stick in hand ready to strike... The one officer, the leader was so vicious and abusive even his one ally seemed distressed at the mindless aggression and hate he spewed forth. I thought I was going to be killed right in front of welfare. With every push, or stab of his billy club, I thought I would die." (from Amnesty International)
There is a gorram reason why many trans*folk and brown folk and current/former prostitutes and/or prostituted folks don't trust police.
And don't fucking say that 99.999% of police are good cops and it's a just a few bad apples. That may be true if you're white, not obviously poor, not obviously LGBT, etc., but for the rest of the population...
Oh yeah, don't say a word if your relatives are cops; I know about the card you guys get (my friend's dad was a cop) that protects you from most minor offenses. Hell, when we were stupid and trespassed (and were caught) that card was the only reason they didn't call our parents or charge us with anything.
And folks can call or write to the Shelby County District Attorney’s Office at 201 Poplar Avenue, Third Floor, Memphis, Tennessee 38103, (phone)901.545.5900. Or Police Director Larry A. Godwin Memphis Police Services 201 Poplar Ave, 12th Floor Memphis, TN 38103 mpd@memphispolice.org. Or Mayor Dr. Willie W. Herenton City Hall 125 N. Main St. Room 700 Memphis, TN 38103 (901)576.6007.
PS: I want to thank WMCTV for using the correct pronouns and not putting Ms. Johnson's old name in the article; I really appreciate that--unfortunately, too few people give us trans*folk that much respect.
ETA: Theres been an update, apparently the officer who beat Ms. Johnson has filed an assault charge against her. Yes, the person who beat her with handcuffs, who was swung at once or twice when she defended herself, has filed charges against her.
James Swain, one of the 'officers', was fired (he was already on probation--I wonder what for) and the other, Bridges McRae, is on desk duty pending an investigation. Yeah, this sounds like they're taking this reeal seriously.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Something Rotten in the State of SC
Wanna know how much a gay man's life is worth?
Ask Sean Kennedy, oh wait, you can't because he was murdered.
But you can ask his murderer Stephen Moller--who, after killing him, left a message on one of Sean's friends voicemail bragging and laughing.
Wanna know why Moller killed Sean?
Because Sean's hand accidentally brushed Moller's face. That's right, he accidentally touched him when he reached past.
It's worth about ten months in jail.
"5 year suspended sentence to 3 years with 3 years probation after he gets out of jail. He will spend approx. 10 months in jail. After which he is then entitled to parole.If granted he will be on probation for 3 years. He was also sentenced to 30 days community service and ordered to take anger management classes. In addition he was ordered to have alcohol and drug counseling."
From Sean's Mom, Elke, statement after the sentencing:
"In fact, I believe that Sean's case has been mishandled from the beginning.
Getting the investigation started - we had to initiate the securing of evidence -sheriffs deputies did not take it serious.
Our Solicitors got a lot of pressure about the case, received weekly phone calls from our SC senators from Washington and from congress man Inglis himself.
Do any of you know of another local case that our Senators and congressman would be that interested in? I don't!"
Given that after this pressure from congress folks the solicitors offered a plea bargain I highly doubt that the senators were calling for tea and dumplings. No, far more likely they were hoping to avoid another Matthew Shepard 'incident'.
You know, despite Sean's mother's pleading, they didn't even try to get the recording of the voicemail played in court?
I think She needs to get some new lawyers and appeal this horrendous ruling.
This doesn't sound like 'just another drunken brawl':
"On May 16, 2007, at about 3:45 am, Sean was leaving a local bar in Greenville when a car pulled up beside him, a young man got out of the car, came around the car approached my son and called him faggot and then punched him so hard that it broke his face bones, he fell back and hit the asphalt. This resulted in his brain to be separated from his brain stem and ricochet in his head.
Sean never had a chance.
Sean’s killer got back into the car and left my son dying there.
A little later he left a message on one of the girl’s phone, who knew Sean saying: “You tell your faggot friend that when he wakes up he owes me $500 for my broken hand”."
This sounds more like, while Moller may not have intended to kill him, he did intend to hurt Sean for being gay. To hurt him because Sean accidentally touched Moller; to punish him because he made Moller uncomfortable.
"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people. -Sean Kennedy"
Here's a list of various official Greenville phone numbers.
What would happen if enough people called the City Attorney Office (864.467.4420), City Council Office (864.467.4431), the non-emergency police line (864.271.5333), the non-emergency sheriff's line (), or the Mayor's Office (864.467.4425)?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Moar Links
The history of trans* and/or gender variant folks working for and with gay rights groups.
I really like the Queer Nation quote, "We are Queer Nation. We are here to promote unity between all people--some of whom are like us, most of whom are not. We do not necessarily expect to understand the differences between our cultures, our desires, our beliefs, but we do seek to increase respect and acceptance for all our differences so that we may move into the twenty-first century with joy and dignity."
Brownfemipower's thoughts on Obama's Flint speech (which is on my TV right now).
More on how horribly immigrants are treated (how sexual assault and coercion not a feminist issue I ask).
Monica Robert's (of Transgriot) Fathers Day post; a very nice poem about trans*women relating to their fathers.
Discussing racism, sexism, etc. in our childhood movies in the IBTP forums. Right now I'm pulling together some thoughts on Ferngully, specifically on the Batty Rap song I downloaded awhile ago. Yeah, the song the bat who was driven insane by western medicine sings; the bat named Batty.
More of Kim's thoughts on the word "retard"; specifically when feminists use and defend their use of the word. I am not the most knowledgeable on disability activism, but I'm working on it. I think I've gotten rid of ableist words like lame, retard, fucktard, etc. from my written vocabulary...but I still say them though I try not to.
Medical rape.
Now, I don't much like Debs and I think she's a cissexist. But no one deserves to be treated like this--by either the medical community and by this so-called doctor Crippen.
To quote Belledame, "I am writing this because some shit is beyond the pale, and needs writing about. And because rampant misogyny, ableism and--yes! I agree with the author! rape apologists suck ass. As for my feminist creds, or the supposed harm I am doing to feminism by saying "hey, you know what? This guy is a sexist, hateful wankstain, and he's being a gratuitous, GIANT asshole to someone who didn't ask for it to boot"?"
Debs is being bullied by a much larger blogger and few are supporting her, this isn't right. She temporarily closed down her blog because of the abusive comments Crippen and his cronies were sending her btw. Oh yeah, the real Dr. Crippen? Famous for murdering his wife.
And Trinity, who has also been subjected to abusive and violating procedures and 'doctors', has her own contribution to make.
Apparently, mainstream white feminist organizations are silent on the racist and sexist treatment of Michelle Obama.
I'm not sure entirely of what I think, but this is an interesting discussion on when drag is similar to blackface. I think I agree with the OP, sometimes drag is similar to blackface (and sometimes, like with "Shirley Q Liqueur", they're one in the same), but drag itself is not minstrelsy.
On a less serious note, I've also been reading a lot of movieverse Transformers fanfics where Sam becomes some sort of human/autobot hybrid because of his contact with the allspark. Yeah, I'm a geek.
But What Does it Mean?
I have a few posts in the works, no idea how long they'll take though--I'm rather unfocused right now.
One on monsters and the monstrous, another on Sylvia Rivera, on my childhood, as well as a few links/posts I might discuss.
For now, in a transgender forum someone asked what we mean when we say "we feel like [our gender]", how do we know we're that gender. (And sie asked for book recommendations)
Me: I've always felt like I should have male-assigned equipment instead of female, so I started out just wanting to change that. I didn't know if I was a man or a boi or genderqueer.
As I began changing my wardrobe to more male-assigned clothes, getting shorter haircuts, etc. I was gendered male more and more often and it felt right. Eventually, after a while I just felt male no matter that I still haven't started to medically transition. Eventually I just started to identify as a man; and it felt right.
Being gendered and seen as male just feels good and comfortable; being gendered female never did.
And along with Whipping Girl, I recommend The Riddle of Gender and The History of How Sex Changed.
Here's my answer, what's yours?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
whats with all the memes I'm doing?
Ryan's starting a gender pride meme, and who am I not to play? ^.^
"You know how the feminists run that “Whats your most attractive feature, and you aren’t allowed to say ‘my X, but OMG this other body part is really ugly?’” Meme?
Well, I want to start a Gender Pride Meme along similar lines. I want to know what people’s favourite thing about being gender diverse is. You aren’t allowed to worry about sounding arrogant, and you aren’t allowed to talk about any negative aspects of gender diversity (after all, we talk those things to death, imo). You don’t have to be trans… this is open to people that are queer, or in any way transgress gender norms."
Obviously, everything here is my experiences and, since no one else has the same experiences, I don't expect all trans*/gender diverse folks to feel, learn, and respond to the same things as me
I like how being and accepting myself as trans* has made me so very aware of my body. How I am learning first hand that my body is both incredibly important to who I am and incredibly unimportant. I am learning to truly live and appreciate my body while knowing that it isn't all of me.
I'm walking the line between many extremes and/or switching between; and I like that.
Despite the hassle, I love falling between the lines and being a walking contradiction. It's who and what I am; coming out to myself about being trans* has helped me come out to myself about this too.
(To clarify, I don't fall between the lines of male/female or man/woman; I'm not "best of both worlds". I'm talking about other things than these sorts of ungendering cliches.)
I know myself better than most people my age; better than many people ever know themselves I'd even say. I credit my experiences surrounding being transsexual for this.
I love how I've responded to being trans*.
Working, though slowly sometimes, towards understanding and accepting others. Who knows, if I wasn't trans* I could have ended up very overtly racist like my grandmother and uncle (grandma said I shouldn't spend so much time with my "colored friends" because that was probably scaring white kids away. Uncle says how n*****s are dirtying his neighborhood).
Being trans* and queer and a fem/andro guy has opened my eyes to oppression and activism that I never would have thought had I grown up a white cis*guy.
Growing up assigned-female allowed me to explore gender expressions I would never have been allowed near if I'd been assigned male. I was able to play with legos and dolls, hammers and princess dresses, science kits and EZ bake ovens.
I was given and loved all of them in childhood, and this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't a trans* guy.
I can't explain all of it, but I know I've learned so much in this life from being transsexual. I don't know yet if I'd do it again, but I know I don't regret it.
Friday, June 6, 2008
More Meme
Stealing it from Lina:
The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.
The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
What I've been looking at
NY State Assembly approved GENDA!!!! This means that, if the Senate passes it, you can't be discriminated against based on your gender identity or gender expression; so this also protects folks who aren't trans*, but still don't conform to gender/sex roles.
Barney Frank, John Averwhosis, and the rest of them can go fuck themselves for being cissexist. They should be focusing more on getting legislation like this passed instead of same-sex marriage (as important as that is); numbers don't lie.
More good news, it looks like Obama will win the nomination! Lately, I've mostly been following the nominations from Transgriot because while Monica supports Obama, she doesn't use sexist attacks against Hillary.
Monica's blog is awesome for more than just campiegn stuff, she's got other good news (KY reinstated protections for trans* state employees), posts about being a trans* woman of color (Trans* WOC are not ugly), as wells as other Important Stuff (the increase in homo- and transphobic hate crimes for instance).
In case you weren't aware, Brownfemipower is back and posting!
Female Desire Week is here again!
I'm thinking of getting a new binder, my old one doesn't work so well (especially in this heat); I'm thinking a white Double Front Compression Shirt.
Oh, and weird search terms: "hbs ftm prince" "monster cocks wants students at school" "i want to make my as a monster cock is it possible through surgery" (WTF??) "hentay monster attaking young doctor" (learn to spell; it's hentai and attacks) "ocd fear of being transgender"
Monday, June 2, 2008
Pretty folks
I'm working on a few posts now, but I had a friend over so I couldn't work on them over the weekend. So, for now, here are some beautiful people. 
That's Silvia Rivera and her friend Marsha P. Johnson.
Alan Rickamn: Voice of God he truly is. Tasty too.
I called Lily/Severus way before DH was out. Severitus is one of my favorite genres of HP fanfiction. ^.^
Lucius and Narcissa? Yes. Bigots? Yes. Imaginary? Yes. Both of them hot as hell? Totally.
Lee/Gaara is why I started Naruto in the first place...
Asuka's fic is the only reason I keep reading. (that's Sakura, inner-Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, and Kyuubi up there)
Silvia again.
Narcissistic Naru-chan!
Shepard Book from Firefly.
Morgan freeman, need I say more?
Mmmm, Johny Depp...
More Johnny ^.^
Thursday, May 22, 2008
There is a continuum ya know
So, I'm thinking of a few posts I have in the works (and as I write this intro I'm still not sure which this post will turn out to be); one on my childhood[trannyhood], women-only space and "WBW"-only space, or one about me my genitals and sex. Being in my childhood home, filled with memories, I don't feel like crying (no I wasn't abused or anything. It's just that I really, really miss my cat, my best friend for over a decade, and this house is filled with memories of her).
Or, as seems to be popular, write about my thoughts on WBW and women-only space. Not only do I find that topic to be becoming somewhat boring, but I also feel...odd commenting on the validity of women-only space as I am a man. Perhaps, when I've thought more about it, I will write on being a man in women-only space (while my school itself was co-ed, the dorms and certain classes were single-sex) and how gorram uncomfortable it was.
So, since I miss my boyfriend (and sex), I'll write about sex.
Ok, fooled ya, I'll write about my relationship with my body as well as give an unsexy and probably somewhat clinical overview of how the romantic and sexual relationship with my BF have progressed. I've been reading the comments on certain posts over at Bilerico and I am somewhat amused by how guys like me went from a HBS/transsexual man to "woman with a fetish" due to a single act.
Plus, it gives me a chance to brag about how much I like most of my body; despite having confidence problems in some areas, I am still quite vain (I am a Slytherin after all). ^.^
Moreover, I recently found the text of Eli Clare's speech given at the Philly Trans* health conference and it is so amazing.
Looking at shame and body shame; specifically within trans* and disability contexts:
“This obsession with cure turns disabled bodies into medical problems to be solved. In doing so, it ignores disability as an issue of social justice. Ignores that many disabled people would rather put an end to ableism than have our bodies “fixed.” Of course this gets complicated when I turn back to trans community, to those of us who seek to reshape our gendered and sexed bodies. But really it’s not our desire or need for bodily change that I’m challenging here. Rather, it’s how we name those desires and needs, because to claim our bodies as defective and to pair defect with cure, not only disregards the experiences of many disabled people, it also leaves us as trans people wide open to shame...Of course there’s another important strand of naming at work in our communities—a strand that declares transness not a disease, gender nonconformity not a pathology, and bodily uniqueness not an illness, a strand that turns the word dysphoria inside out, claiming that we are not the ones dysphoric about our genders, but rather dysphoria lives in the world’s response to us. This naming acts as a necessary counterbalance. But I have to ask: what about those of us who do in truth deal with deep, persistent body disonnance, discomfort, dysphoria? A social justice politics by itself will never be enough to resist shame. ”
I see my transsexuality as a medical condition (not defect) and medical transition as a way of treating my body dissonance. But I still agree with Eli, being trans* (or disabled) does not make us defective, it is society and how society sees and treats us that is defective. Yes, both groups may need treatment, but we don't need to be disappeared or 'cured' into normalcy. As I re-state later, we also have the right to refuse treatment or to choose an alternate treatment to the mainstream options.
Okay, back to me and my body; I just wanted to give a shout out to that fantastic speech.
My relationship with my body is rather complicated to say the least.
I am quite happy with most of my body. While my hair does not always cooperate, I find it to be pleasing to the sight and touch--especially when I can dye it green. My face is attractive enough I suppose, I wish my lips weren't quite so pink though--makes me look like I'm wearing pink lipstick and I look too much like a girl if I cover them with black or deep brown instead...
I am quite fond of my legs, nicely shaped imo and with a decent amount of hair. While I wish I was taller, it's not a major issue .
My arms, despite being thin, are actually quite "masculine" being as they are quite hairy and have visible veins. They are actually one of my favorite body parts, not just because of how they help me pass as a cis*guy, but their overall look, shape and texture and whatnot, is quite pleasing to my eyes--I love the almost blue cast my veins give my arms.
I have some problems with my torso and hip areas though.
I always have bruises on my hips; while they are still relatively narrow, I still forget how wide they are and I bump into walls and tables.
I have a great deal of dissonance regarding my chest; I'll go to take off my shirt and, sometimes, I will be honestly surprised that I have gynecomastia (breast growth on men).
Luckily for me, it isn't a very bad case, a sports bra and a bit of layering is enough to hide it most of the time. But...my group of friends enjoys having "shirtless o' clock" and I enjoy being nude when it's just my BF and I. Moreover, it is incredibly uncomfortable wearing four layers in 80 degree weather. I want it gone, not just hidden.
There are times, like now actually, when I only take a shower every other day just so that I don't have to confront the dissonance.
I pray to the Gods that when I eventually start hormones there will be enough fat redistribution to take care of it. I don't want to put myself at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and hospital staff and insurance companies more than I have to. I've heard too many stories, even just from friends and family, about uncaring nurses, insurance bureaucracy, transphobic staff, and the like. Not to forget that I hate the idea of being helpless and unconscious as some strangers cut me open; if I can I will most definitely have a friend watch over the surgery to make sure nothing happens. And a night at a hospital scares me; what if I get a nurse like the one my mom had after her heart surgery--one who refused to come to help and who left my mom's ESL roommate in pain because she couldn't be bothered to show her where or how the "morphine button" worked. And this is 'just' about top-surgery, How will I feel about genital surgery? Though, for anyone not aware, top-surgery is often deemed more important than any genital surgery by many transgender and transsexual guys (according to what I've seen over the years in various ftm communities).
Ahh... now for the uncomfortable part: my genitals.
Truth be told, I used to hate them.
Growing up and even into adolescence, I would 'hold it' for as long as I could before going to the bathroom--I couldn't stand to sit. Later, when I first attempted to masturbate I disassociated myself entirely and found no enjoyment.
And even later, when my BF and I were first starting to go beyond kissing, I told him to ignore and pretend like I didn't have a vagina at all; and that I wasn't sure about the rest of the area, but he wouldn't be the only one getting any fun.
Eventually, we started to do more than kiss. Eventually, we found things that didn't set off my dissonance too badly that were still fun for the both of us. And, eventually, I came to trust that he sees me as a guy no matter what. No matter that my chest wasn't flat when unclothed, no matter that I didn't have a typical cock, no matter that I have an extra hole.
So, after much thinking and me having to convince him that I actually wanted to, we tried PIV.
And I found that it wasn't so bad--that as long as he still saw me as a man I was usually able to ignore the dissonance.
And surprisingly, I found that when I was feeling bad about being trans*, when I wasn't passing, when I felt like it would be better to just hit the reset button on this life...that having my most important person be made acutely aware of how my body is not male-assigned and yet still having him see me as 100% man was enough to get me through (the orgasms afterwards helped too of course).
It's not a fetish. I still can't masturbate and I'm sure that it'll take a lot of time to develop this level of trust in my future relationships.
It's validation from my most important person; the feeling of love and trust mixed with the knowledge that no matter what I am a man...it isn't sexual for me--it's something else entirely--English doesn't have the words to describe how it feels for me.
As for the penis (and lack of a vag') making the man... Well, in my case I'd really like a peen, my map says I should have one and there is no way I can describe how much it hurts to have my body not match my map that badly. Hopefully hormones, when I eventually go on them (no insurance and it's bloody hard to find anywhere that'll sell T without a script), will make my dick grow enough to lessen the discord to a manageable level... But I'm pretty sure I'll keep the vag'; I've grown to like it, the dissonance surrounding it is manageable, and PIV is way easier than anal (and I am so very lazy).
So anyone, be they HBS or Christian or feminist or have letters after their name, wants to tell me that learning to cope with a vag' makes me less of a man...well they can go fuck themselves with rusty railroad spikes.
Not respecting trans* identities because that person is not as disphoric as you think they need to be is cissexism; it's just as cissexist as not respecting trans* identities period.
My body is my own; I will change what I believe will lessen the most dissonance, keep what I can learn to live with or even cherish, and leave the parts that were never a problem alone.
And I do want genital surgery, but this doesn't make me more of a man than a guy who has been able to deal with, or never had, the same level of dissonance about his genitals (same idea for women btw).
I don't think every trans*person can, or should, attempt to live their life without surgery/hormones. Some people just don't have the same levels of dissonance, some people are able to work through it without hormones and/or surgery. But I also don't think that medical transition, or surgery, should be requirements for being a transsexual or for legal transition.
I won't live my life without medical transition; if I am prevented for too long I know that I'll eventually kill myself. The dissonance is that great; and learning to live with my body-as-is is merely a stopgap measure to help me deal until I can medically transition. But this also means that I can see how a trans*person with less dissonance can work through their dissonance enough to live without medical transition. Remember, some people can pass without any medical transition. And some people don't care as much about passing as a cis*person as long as their loved ones see them as who they are.
I can also see that some people need medical transition ASAP and that hormones and surgery mean a lot to them. Sometimes, it must seem like some transgender folks are saying that anyone can or should live without medical transition (and there are some folks that do believe that); that medical transition isn't important.
And some of these folks think that all trans*/transgender folks think that no one should have them.
And while I can see it from their point of view...they need to stop and learn that even if someone doesn't need surgery that doesn't mean that they necessarily believe that no one needs surgery.
Furthermore, just as important, that one's medical decisions do not change their identity and nor do they define their identity. People have the right to seek alternate treatments and moreover I do not know of any medical condition that is diagnosed by the treatments one chooses to use.
I don't know where my transition will take me. I won't let others tell me what i have to do to be respected or a valid man. I won't let anyone tell other folks what they must do to be respected or a valid person either. Everyone is different and should be respected.
Nature abhors rigid categories; humans are the ones that create and define rigid categories, not Her.
“Although I doubt there is one complete passage between shame and pride, there are many tunnels through the thicket, and on the other side lives an openness that lets us slide into our bodies and makes space for persistent joy and comfort. Body love can wake us up in the morning, put us to bed at night, visit us as we’re dressing to go out or just singing along to our favorite song. These moments don’t usually arrive as big, as loud, as brash, as a Pride parade. They just show up one day in the mirror or the camera, not that we’ve passively waited for them. No, we’re all too aware of how hard we’ve worked for them, but still they arrive unexpected. Sometimes in community or with a single friend. Sometimes with the encouragement of families and partners, or in collaboration with health care providers and therapists. Sometimes they arrive as we’re rabblerousing in the streets or when we’re stuffing envelopes for the next fundraiser. They arrive as we tromp through the woods or walk down the street or dance up a storm on Friday night.
However those moments arrive, let’s build community that nurtures them. Let’s figure out ways of naming bodily difference that fosters comfort and joy. Let’s build a politics that holds space, safety, options, and shuts no one out. Let’s pay attention to shame as both a community issue and a health issue. Let’s create the space to make our bodies home, filling our skin to its very edges.”--Eli Clare
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Back then I didn't know why
This is a bit late, but I wasn't able to write much right before/on Mother's Day because I didn't have a place to stay for the summer until yesterday. I've kept quiet about it for various reasons... But if you look at my bio on the right, you'll see that I say I live with my boyfriend. Until he moved out of his dorm yesterday, I lived with him unofficially because in a fit of major depression last summer I dropped out of college (yeah, I'm trying to get back in--I don't need more lectures on this).
How does this relate to Mother's Day?
Well, I suppose this is better fit for LJ than a blog, but meh.
I have...a very complicated view of and relationship with my mom.
Growing up, Mom says I was close to her and told her everything; but that's not right according to my memories and she has a tendency to cast history to her advantage so I'm not sure how true this is.
I remember picking black raspberries (not to be confused with those nasty blackberries) and making pies and jam and shortcake with my mom, sister, and grandma.
I also remember feeling betrayed when Mom disproved of my few friends because they were a "bad influence" (they were poor and/or had parents that weren't very responsible).
I know Mom loves me, but I also know she treated my sister and me very differently and one of the reasons my sister and I had such a bad relationship growing up was because we both saw the other one as the Favorite.
Now, I realize that we were treated so differently because of how different we were/are and because there is a four year difference.
But at the time, all I saw was how Becky (name changed) was catered to; how I was punished far more drastically and frequently than she was. All Becky saw was that I had far more privileges; how she was seen as less intelligent.
We fought about everything all the time; more than one (one? try a dozen) family outings were ruined by our fights.
Looking back, I see how it must have hurt and frustrated my mom to be in the middle of this day in and day out.
She was the youngest of three and the only girl.
She so wanted a sister growing up; I was constantly told how I should cherish my sister because brothers are worse.
Her parent's obvious favorite, even now, is the middle child--the brother that picked on her the most.
I look very much like my dad while my sister is the spitting image of my mom.
I've always wondered if she saw her brother and her in me and my sister's fights.
After four years of being away at boarding school, my sister and I are on far better terms; she was the first family member I came out to and her response was basically "I don't get it, but you're still my sibling". Becky is the one that calls me her brother (yet still uses feminine pronouns which is interesting sounding).
So now I get to the part about me being transsexual and how this relates to my relationship with my parents.
Given that parents are often blamed for their kid "turning out" gay or trans*, this isn't a topic I can just ignore.
I am not gay or trans* because of anything my parents did or didn't do; my relationships with them has been complicated and informed by me being transsexual, but thats quite different.
I don't know all the reasons why, being transsexual is one reason why, but I was very distant from my family as a middle-schooler and later even now.
Middle school is when my depression first started to raise it's head.
Not only was puberty going in an unexpected way (yeah, I was one of those trans*kids in such denial that I hoped that I'd magically get the correct puberty), but I was being bullied for being so smart.
Yeah, not because I was smart for a girl or anything, no--because I was acing the advanced classes without breaking a sweat.
In history I vied for top spot with a girl who studied her ass off while I read the textbook, multiple times, cover to cover for fun. She payed attention and took notes while I, bored of the textbook, read Xanth or Valdemar; the teacher didn't care since he could ask me a question,and while he may need to repeat it after he finally got my attention, I could answer in detail without a problem.
For this, I was shunned, called names, talked about, etc.
In middle school I loved the environment, wolves especially, and had a lot of t-shirts and books about wolves and werewolves. I did want to be a wolf; their power and close pack structure awed me.
Yet, having the kids ask me, the shy trans*kid that grew up being laughed at for my speech impediment (now outgrown), embarrassing questions like "do you really think you're a wolf?" just to get a blush and a stammer out of me...it really made me hate school and humanity in general. The teasing never really turned physical, but I did face a lot of verbal teasing and was shunned a lot ("you have such good ideas, why don't you work alone").
My parents, Mom especially, did what they could for the bullying.
Of course it didn't help; of course it made things worse.
Telling me to just ignore it? Telling me to trust the girls that were nice to me even once when I was already used to their betrayal?
Was one reason I stopped believing in my mom and dad.
Looking back, I also realize that this was when I first started to resent my mom and dad; I resent(ed) them for not seeing I was a boy, I think I even blamed them for me not being cissexual.
Even now, a part of me still resents them for it.
And another part resents them for all the little words and actions that delayed my coming out.
And I still have the notion that they should have known--they should have seen that I wasn't a girl.
I was a introverted kid, but a not-so-rational part of me still feels like they should have guessed.
Of course, as a teen, my mom did guess--sort of. She outright asked me a few times if I thought I was a boy or if I didn't want to be a girl. But by then, I remembered her random lectures about how being gay was against God's plan and how witches went to hell for worshiping the devil (I talked about reincarnation even as a little kid and I asked for tarot cards the week of that lecture). I remembered reading about Zach and how his parents sent him to a torture camp; and he was only gay--what would they do to me for being both gay and trans*?
So I lied through omission. I told her I didn't want to be a boy (not that I already was one) and I told her there was nothing wrong with being a girl (and not that I wasn't one).
I tried femininity out, to placate her, and found I liked parts of it. I found that eyeliner is hott and skirts can be comfy (at least, the swishy ones that reach my ankles are).
We bonded over how hot Johnny Depp is.
And then I turned 18 my senior year and decided that I wouldn't tell them until I knew I wouldn't be trapped in MI.
So, during spring break at college I emailed them both my coming out letter and called them, saying there was something important that I had only felt comfortable expressing in text.
Neither disowned me, but both are in their own form of denial.
Dad's is outright, "you are my daughter and you can never be a boy."
Mom's is more subtle (she's done this for a lot of things, so I know the signs), "I'll play 'good cop', but you'll grow out of this phase after a bit."
Despite planning and expecting worse, this complete erasure of who I am and what I told them (so much that I'd have to explain every time I mentioned wanting to change my name or be called by my nickname), I slipped into a really deep depression and basically stopped going to classes and fell asleep in the ones I did attend.
I couldn't study for tests or exams.
After spending a summer, practically alone (the few friends in the same state are an hour+ drive away), yet still shoved back into the closet after a year of being free...when I got the news that I lost my scholarship...I withdrew.
I asked my boyfriend if I could live with him in the dorms and my friend R said I could stay at his house in the days between my flight and my Luv moving into the dorms.
A few days later, I told my parents and I came out to them regarding my depression and their part in causing/triggering it.
Yes, I do feel they share some of the blame for how I reacted and what I did; though I realize that those actions are still mainly my responsibility.
I barely got them to agree to me coming back to NY, but I knew I'd kill myself if I stayed trapped in MI.
This year, despite a promise to call every week, I've called maybe a dozen times.
I get shaky and panicky just thinking about calling.
Guess where the only place I could stay this summer is?
Now guess how I feel knowing this; especially since my Luv, for unrelated-to-me reasons, is dropping out too. I do have a plan, I'm applying to colleges near Philly and will move in with a couple of friends later this summer (July or August), but who knows if this will be enough. Who knows if I'll get too trapped and try to find a quicker way out.
I know I need to reconcile with my parents, but I don't think I can right now.
They're both from families that don't believe in not caring for their own, so rationally speaking, I shouldn't need to worry about getting thrown out.
I still have to worry about getting caged though.
But how can I live with or truly love people who don't see ME?
How can my mom say she loves me unconditionally when she can't even call me by an androgynous nickname?
I'll never be a parent--by choice--so I can't know what it's like, but saying I love you to her sounds lie a sham when I can't even expect a name that doesn't hurt.
I don't know how I will resolve this. I'll make a rough plan and improvise.
My friends know how I am when I'm there; I've told them not to let me isolate myself further while I'm there. Though its not their responsibility, I don't think they'll let me down.
Who knows, maybe I'll find a miracle and and reconcile with my parents, come out to the rest of my family, and win the megamillion lotto.
**The title is from the Spice Girl's Mama, which my mom loved and I hated when I was a SG fan way back when.
She used to be my only enemy and never let me be free
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love
Monday, May 5, 2008
Action Alert
As discussed here and here, The group members the APA has chosen to revise GID in the DSM-V include maybe a couple people that are both experienced with trans*folk and are not completely transphobic. The pdf also includes the names of those working on various other things, as I am not familiar with them, disability-rights activists might want to check up on them too.
But on the "Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders taskforce" are both Ray Blanchard and Kenneth Zucker (I refuse to call these frauds doctors).
Zucker being the fucking Chair of the group!
Most of the other members don't even work with trans*folk, but as trans*folk are not the only focus of the group that isn't that bad.
I encourage people to email the apa with their 'concerns' about the apa's poor choices.
Emails cribbed from Bilerico:
"The APA press release states that for further information regarding this, to contact Rhondalee Dean-Royce (rroyce@psych.org) and Sharon Reis (sreis@gymr.com), though it's possible that they may govern the press release only, rather than have any involvement in the decision to appoint Zucker."
It's really sad when laypeople such as myself know better than those folks with Ph.Ds who supposedly specialize in this.
ETA: Dr. Douglas Halderman is on the APA's board of directors.
"Dr. Halderman played a fundamental role in the APA's vocal opposition to "conversion therapies" to "cure" non-normative sexual orientation. It stands to reason that he would have a sensitive ear to our concerns about Zucker's appointment to lead a team on revising the DSM entry for gender identity disorders, when Zucker advocates using the same tactics to "treat" non-normative gender identity.
Douglas Halderman's website lists his contact information. Please write, phone, fax or email your concerns to:
Douglas C. Haldeman, Ph.D.
2001 Western Avenue, Suite 310
Seattle, WA 98121
Phone: (206) 443-4306
Fax: (206) 728-1180
Email: doughaldeman@aol.com"
ETA2: I didn't know that there are two APAs; the American Psychiatric Association as well as the American Psychological Association. Dr. Haldeman is with the Psychological Ass. and the Psychiatric Ass. is the one working on the DMS-V.
After searching I found this: How to contact the Psychiatric Ass.'s board's staff, their advisers, as well as the APA's general contact info.
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