I have no idea what I want to write.
There are 29 people, mostly women of color, dead this year (that we know of). There are 412 people dead since we started TDoR ten years ago (412--thats only those we know of).
What do you say to that?
Any day now I could find out that one of my friends is dead. Any day now I could find out that one of my friends has been assaulted. I could be assaulted or killed too, but at least my white privilege protects me somewhat.
If anyone still thinks we transition because we think its sexy or to follow a fad...I think you need to put down the ideology and start thinking for yourself.
You can do your own research; we can't cater to you today.
Theres a part of me that wants to go and see if the dead are dancing on the lake again.
You see, when I was a child, in the early morning the bus went past the lake and in November you could see the mist rising off the water.
November is the month the dead come out and dance.
Since its getting towards the end of the month, they will be dancing all night and well into the morning.
"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." ~Author Unknown
I hope they are happy. I hope there were enough merry memories in this life. I hope they find even more joy in their next lives.
(lyrics for Tears in Heaven; unable to find them for Dream Journey)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
TDoR
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Various links and a wittle rant
This is why I want a gun of my own.
(Triggering)A Philadelphia judge has acquitted the killer of a trans woman of murder charges, despite an impassioned plea by the prosecutor that malice was behind the shooting. At the end of a three-hour bench trial on Aug. 18, Common Pleas Judge Jeffrey P. Minehart convicted Terron Oates of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Alexis King.
Oh "trans panic" defense don't we hate you; though cis*folks are all too ready to believe you even when the evidence completely disproves you:
[...]
Minehart didn’t explain his ruling, but it appears he accepted the defense’s position that Oates acted in the heat of passion after he picked up King for sex in February 2006, then shot her twice after realizing she was a biological male.
[...]
“Mr. Oates isn’t so naïve that he can’t find a gun,” she said. “He has an illegal gun in his car, he’s out at five o’clock in the morning on a school night and he’s going to a strip club when he’s underage. He’s sophisticated enough to be doing those things. Yet the defense portrayed him as an innocent, naïve little boy.”Oates told police he didn’t realize King’s biological status until King grabbed Oates’ hand and placed it on King’s penis, inside the car.
Because Ms. King would totally put herself in danger (and out of a paycheck at the least) by being "sexually aggressive" and forcing her john to acknowledge that she isn't a cis*woman. Because, while getting shot in the back, she would totally be tucking herself back in. Then, more magic powers here, she would teleport herself and her blood into the street (not a hospital).
Oates did not testify during the trial but his early statements to police were read for the record.
However, Sgt. Daniel Dutch, who’s worked undercover as a “john” in the area, testified that he’s never heard of — nor experienced — such behavior by a transgender sex worker.
To the contrary, transgender sex workers normally go out of their way to avoid having the johns touch their penises, Dutch said.
And medic William Murphy, who administered emergency care to King after she was shot, testified that King’s penis was “tucked” between her legs, held in place by her panties, when he got to her.
The shooting happened in the Nicetown section, near the intersection of Bott and Kerbaugh streets. King was shot twice, from the side and rear, according to the medical examiner’s report.
Her body was found about 120 feet from Oates’ car, where she collapsed in a pool of blood, evidently trying to run for safety, said Feeney.
McMonagle [the defense attorney] said the shooting happened during “pandemonium” in Oates’ car, after he felt King’s penis, tussled with her for Oates’ pistol, then King moved toward him.
But Feeney refuted that scenario.
“At no time was she ever coming toward him when he shot her, because she was shot from the side and rear,” Feeney said. “That tells you right there that the defendant is lying. If you’re coming toward someone, your front would get shot.”
She said Oates’ actions after the shooting also contradict a heat-of-passion defense.
“He immediately got rid of the weapon,” Feeney continued. “If you can’t think straight, you’re not going to do that. Then he calls 911, does this act on the phone about a robbery and unknown gunman and lies to the responding officer and detectives. To me, that shows a pretty good presence of mind, don’t you think?”
Fuck that noise.
If there are any mutants or aliens with super powers in Philly, I nominate Judge Jeffrey P. Minehart and Terron Oates as the next recipients of your justice. And, please, only mutants and aliens with super powers; we all know ('cause Marvel told us so) that you folks aren't real vigilantes and you always do things for the right reasons and never get caught.
Helen is asking What If?
I'd like to ask too. So, transphobes whether you be feminist or Christian or just an average Joe/Jane, what the fuck do you expect us to do in your utopia? I know we've been told to pray harder, examine our beliefs, and choose a different life...but what if that doesn't work or we are post bottom surgery? Do we join the priesthood (despite some of us not believing), do we kill ourselves?
What exactly do your theories mean for us--the real live trans* people?
Fuck ableism. Making a woman crawl off a plane, beg for a frigin bathroom break?
Fuck the comments too; access to water and a bathroom are human rights. So is basic respect and dignity.
OMG, the military discriminates against trans* folk! Who knew?
But hey, the APA said they're going to try to take a leading role in ending discrimination based on gender identity! Though for some reason this sounds hollow to me (maybe because Zucker was on the task force and will still be working on the DSM-V).
Shout out to Rozk; and her awesome post about how transphobic feminists can and do really hurt trans* folk and anyone who cares for trans* folk.
Shout out to Cedar; I especially like this piece.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Triggers
In the same vein as my last post...
Apparently it is fine to beat trans*folk when they refuse to be considered less than human. Yep, if that uppity tranny won't bow it's head and kiss your police boots when you call it faggot and heshe you can just beat it and spray mace in it's face. The worst that'll happen is you'll lose your job (only if you were already on probation though).
Just ask Ms. Johnson, she can tell you all about it. Oh yeah, after she was beaten and maced she was handcuffed and left in pain on the floor as a nurse completely ignores her. Funtimes ya'll.
While she was arrested on charges of prostitution, who knows if that's true, and that still doesn't make it all right.
No one deserves to be treated like that.
Moreover, trans*women can be arrested for prostitution for walking down the street or going to a party. Hellfires, they can be arrested or threatened with arrest for prostitution because they went 2 miles over the speed limit. I've talked about police brutality before, but it's still happening and it's still not known about.
"Women of color, and particularly transgender women of color, are often perceived by police through racialized and gendered stereotypes framing us as highly sexualized and sexually available. Law enforcement officers’ internalization and perpetuation of these stereotypes, combined with the high degree of discretion afforded by vague “quality of life” regulations, results in police profiling women of color, and particularly transgender women of color, as sex workers,and selective targeting of women of color for harassment, detention, and arrest." (from INCITE!)
"A Native American transgender woman reported that two Los Angeles police officers handcuffed her and took her to an alleyway. One officer reportedly hit her across the face, saying "you f---ing whore, you f---ing faggot," then threw her down on the back of the patrol car, ripped off her miniskirt and her underwear and raped her, holding her down and grabbing her hair. The second officer is also alleged to have raped her. According to the woman, they threw her on the ground and said, "That's what you deserve," and left her there." (from Amnesty International)
"One officer got in my face with the most vile insults I could imagine, his buddy stood nearby, night stick in hand ready to strike... The one officer, the leader was so vicious and abusive even his one ally seemed distressed at the mindless aggression and hate he spewed forth. I thought I was going to be killed right in front of welfare. With every push, or stab of his billy club, I thought I would die." (from Amnesty International)
There is a gorram reason why many trans*folk and brown folk and current/former prostitutes and/or prostituted folks don't trust police.
And don't fucking say that 99.999% of police are good cops and it's a just a few bad apples. That may be true if you're white, not obviously poor, not obviously LGBT, etc., but for the rest of the population...
Oh yeah, don't say a word if your relatives are cops; I know about the card you guys get (my friend's dad was a cop) that protects you from most minor offenses. Hell, when we were stupid and trespassed (and were caught) that card was the only reason they didn't call our parents or charge us with anything.
And folks can call or write to the Shelby County District Attorney’s Office at 201 Poplar Avenue, Third Floor, Memphis, Tennessee 38103, (phone)901.545.5900. Or Police Director Larry A. Godwin Memphis Police Services 201 Poplar Ave, 12th Floor Memphis, TN 38103 mpd@memphispolice.org. Or Mayor Dr. Willie W. Herenton City Hall 125 N. Main St. Room 700 Memphis, TN 38103 (901)576.6007.
PS: I want to thank WMCTV for using the correct pronouns and not putting Ms. Johnson's old name in the article; I really appreciate that--unfortunately, too few people give us trans*folk that much respect.
ETA: Theres been an update, apparently the officer who beat Ms. Johnson has filed an assault charge against her. Yes, the person who beat her with handcuffs, who was swung at once or twice when she defended herself, has filed charges against her.
James Swain, one of the 'officers', was fired (he was already on probation--I wonder what for) and the other, Bridges McRae, is on desk duty pending an investigation. Yeah, this sounds like they're taking this reeal seriously.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
What I've been looking at
NY State Assembly approved GENDA!!!! This means that, if the Senate passes it, you can't be discriminated against based on your gender identity or gender expression; so this also protects folks who aren't trans*, but still don't conform to gender/sex roles.
Barney Frank, John Averwhosis, and the rest of them can go fuck themselves for being cissexist. They should be focusing more on getting legislation like this passed instead of same-sex marriage (as important as that is); numbers don't lie.
More good news, it looks like Obama will win the nomination! Lately, I've mostly been following the nominations from Transgriot because while Monica supports Obama, she doesn't use sexist attacks against Hillary.
Monica's blog is awesome for more than just campiegn stuff, she's got other good news (KY reinstated protections for trans* state employees), posts about being a trans* woman of color (Trans* WOC are not ugly), as wells as other Important Stuff (the increase in homo- and transphobic hate crimes for instance).
In case you weren't aware, Brownfemipower is back and posting!
Female Desire Week is here again!
I'm thinking of getting a new binder, my old one doesn't work so well (especially in this heat); I'm thinking a white Double Front Compression Shirt.
Oh, and weird search terms: "hbs ftm prince" "monster cocks wants students at school" "i want to make my as a monster cock is it possible through surgery" (WTF??) "hentay monster attaking young doctor" (learn to spell; it's hentai and attacks) "ocd fear of being transgender"
Thursday, May 22, 2008
There is a continuum ya know
So, I'm thinking of a few posts I have in the works (and as I write this intro I'm still not sure which this post will turn out to be); one on my childhood[trannyhood], women-only space and "WBW"-only space, or one about me my genitals and sex. Being in my childhood home, filled with memories, I don't feel like crying (no I wasn't abused or anything. It's just that I really, really miss my cat, my best friend for over a decade, and this house is filled with memories of her).
Or, as seems to be popular, write about my thoughts on WBW and women-only space. Not only do I find that topic to be becoming somewhat boring, but I also feel...odd commenting on the validity of women-only space as I am a man. Perhaps, when I've thought more about it, I will write on being a man in women-only space (while my school itself was co-ed, the dorms and certain classes were single-sex) and how gorram uncomfortable it was.
So, since I miss my boyfriend (and sex), I'll write about sex.
Ok, fooled ya, I'll write about my relationship with my body as well as give an unsexy and probably somewhat clinical overview of how the romantic and sexual relationship with my BF have progressed. I've been reading the comments on certain posts over at Bilerico and I am somewhat amused by how guys like me went from a HBS/transsexual man to "woman with a fetish" due to a single act.
Plus, it gives me a chance to brag about how much I like most of my body; despite having confidence problems in some areas, I am still quite vain (I am a Slytherin after all). ^.^
Moreover, I recently found the text of Eli Clare's speech given at the Philly Trans* health conference and it is so amazing.
Looking at shame and body shame; specifically within trans* and disability contexts:
“This obsession with cure turns disabled bodies into medical problems to be solved. In doing so, it ignores disability as an issue of social justice. Ignores that many disabled people would rather put an end to ableism than have our bodies “fixed.” Of course this gets complicated when I turn back to trans community, to those of us who seek to reshape our gendered and sexed bodies. But really it’s not our desire or need for bodily change that I’m challenging here. Rather, it’s how we name those desires and needs, because to claim our bodies as defective and to pair defect with cure, not only disregards the experiences of many disabled people, it also leaves us as trans people wide open to shame...Of course there’s another important strand of naming at work in our communities—a strand that declares transness not a disease, gender nonconformity not a pathology, and bodily uniqueness not an illness, a strand that turns the word dysphoria inside out, claiming that we are not the ones dysphoric about our genders, but rather dysphoria lives in the world’s response to us. This naming acts as a necessary counterbalance. But I have to ask: what about those of us who do in truth deal with deep, persistent body disonnance, discomfort, dysphoria? A social justice politics by itself will never be enough to resist shame. ”
I see my transsexuality as a medical condition (not defect) and medical transition as a way of treating my body dissonance. But I still agree with Eli, being trans* (or disabled) does not make us defective, it is society and how society sees and treats us that is defective. Yes, both groups may need treatment, but we don't need to be disappeared or 'cured' into normalcy. As I re-state later, we also have the right to refuse treatment or to choose an alternate treatment to the mainstream options.
Okay, back to me and my body; I just wanted to give a shout out to that fantastic speech.
My relationship with my body is rather complicated to say the least.
I am quite happy with most of my body. While my hair does not always cooperate, I find it to be pleasing to the sight and touch--especially when I can dye it green. My face is attractive enough I suppose, I wish my lips weren't quite so pink though--makes me look like I'm wearing pink lipstick and I look too much like a girl if I cover them with black or deep brown instead...
I am quite fond of my legs, nicely shaped imo and with a decent amount of hair. While I wish I was taller, it's not a major issue .
My arms, despite being thin, are actually quite "masculine" being as they are quite hairy and have visible veins. They are actually one of my favorite body parts, not just because of how they help me pass as a cis*guy, but their overall look, shape and texture and whatnot, is quite pleasing to my eyes--I love the almost blue cast my veins give my arms.
I have some problems with my torso and hip areas though.
I always have bruises on my hips; while they are still relatively narrow, I still forget how wide they are and I bump into walls and tables.
I have a great deal of dissonance regarding my chest; I'll go to take off my shirt and, sometimes, I will be honestly surprised that I have gynecomastia (breast growth on men).
Luckily for me, it isn't a very bad case, a sports bra and a bit of layering is enough to hide it most of the time. But...my group of friends enjoys having "shirtless o' clock" and I enjoy being nude when it's just my BF and I. Moreover, it is incredibly uncomfortable wearing four layers in 80 degree weather. I want it gone, not just hidden.
There are times, like now actually, when I only take a shower every other day just so that I don't have to confront the dissonance.
I pray to the Gods that when I eventually start hormones there will be enough fat redistribution to take care of it. I don't want to put myself at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and hospital staff and insurance companies more than I have to. I've heard too many stories, even just from friends and family, about uncaring nurses, insurance bureaucracy, transphobic staff, and the like. Not to forget that I hate the idea of being helpless and unconscious as some strangers cut me open; if I can I will most definitely have a friend watch over the surgery to make sure nothing happens. And a night at a hospital scares me; what if I get a nurse like the one my mom had after her heart surgery--one who refused to come to help and who left my mom's ESL roommate in pain because she couldn't be bothered to show her where or how the "morphine button" worked. And this is 'just' about top-surgery, How will I feel about genital surgery? Though, for anyone not aware, top-surgery is often deemed more important than any genital surgery by many transgender and transsexual guys (according to what I've seen over the years in various ftm communities).
Ahh... now for the uncomfortable part: my genitals.
Truth be told, I used to hate them.
Growing up and even into adolescence, I would 'hold it' for as long as I could before going to the bathroom--I couldn't stand to sit. Later, when I first attempted to masturbate I disassociated myself entirely and found no enjoyment.
And even later, when my BF and I were first starting to go beyond kissing, I told him to ignore and pretend like I didn't have a vagina at all; and that I wasn't sure about the rest of the area, but he wouldn't be the only one getting any fun.
Eventually, we started to do more than kiss. Eventually, we found things that didn't set off my dissonance too badly that were still fun for the both of us. And, eventually, I came to trust that he sees me as a guy no matter what. No matter that my chest wasn't flat when unclothed, no matter that I didn't have a typical cock, no matter that I have an extra hole.
So, after much thinking and me having to convince him that I actually wanted to, we tried PIV.
And I found that it wasn't so bad--that as long as he still saw me as a man I was usually able to ignore the dissonance.
And surprisingly, I found that when I was feeling bad about being trans*, when I wasn't passing, when I felt like it would be better to just hit the reset button on this life...that having my most important person be made acutely aware of how my body is not male-assigned and yet still having him see me as 100% man was enough to get me through (the orgasms afterwards helped too of course).
It's not a fetish. I still can't masturbate and I'm sure that it'll take a lot of time to develop this level of trust in my future relationships.
It's validation from my most important person; the feeling of love and trust mixed with the knowledge that no matter what I am a man...it isn't sexual for me--it's something else entirely--English doesn't have the words to describe how it feels for me.
As for the penis (and lack of a vag') making the man... Well, in my case I'd really like a peen, my map says I should have one and there is no way I can describe how much it hurts to have my body not match my map that badly. Hopefully hormones, when I eventually go on them (no insurance and it's bloody hard to find anywhere that'll sell T without a script), will make my dick grow enough to lessen the discord to a manageable level... But I'm pretty sure I'll keep the vag'; I've grown to like it, the dissonance surrounding it is manageable, and PIV is way easier than anal (and I am so very lazy).
So anyone, be they HBS or Christian or feminist or have letters after their name, wants to tell me that learning to cope with a vag' makes me less of a man...well they can go fuck themselves with rusty railroad spikes.
Not respecting trans* identities because that person is not as disphoric as you think they need to be is cissexism; it's just as cissexist as not respecting trans* identities period.
My body is my own; I will change what I believe will lessen the most dissonance, keep what I can learn to live with or even cherish, and leave the parts that were never a problem alone.
And I do want genital surgery, but this doesn't make me more of a man than a guy who has been able to deal with, or never had, the same level of dissonance about his genitals (same idea for women btw).
I don't think every trans*person can, or should, attempt to live their life without surgery/hormones. Some people just don't have the same levels of dissonance, some people are able to work through it without hormones and/or surgery. But I also don't think that medical transition, or surgery, should be requirements for being a transsexual or for legal transition.
I won't live my life without medical transition; if I am prevented for too long I know that I'll eventually kill myself. The dissonance is that great; and learning to live with my body-as-is is merely a stopgap measure to help me deal until I can medically transition. But this also means that I can see how a trans*person with less dissonance can work through their dissonance enough to live without medical transition. Remember, some people can pass without any medical transition. And some people don't care as much about passing as a cis*person as long as their loved ones see them as who they are.
I can also see that some people need medical transition ASAP and that hormones and surgery mean a lot to them. Sometimes, it must seem like some transgender folks are saying that anyone can or should live without medical transition (and there are some folks that do believe that); that medical transition isn't important.
And some of these folks think that all trans*/transgender folks think that no one should have them.
And while I can see it from their point of view...they need to stop and learn that even if someone doesn't need surgery that doesn't mean that they necessarily believe that no one needs surgery.
Furthermore, just as important, that one's medical decisions do not change their identity and nor do they define their identity. People have the right to seek alternate treatments and moreover I do not know of any medical condition that is diagnosed by the treatments one chooses to use.
I don't know where my transition will take me. I won't let others tell me what i have to do to be respected or a valid man. I won't let anyone tell other folks what they must do to be respected or a valid person either. Everyone is different and should be respected.
Nature abhors rigid categories; humans are the ones that create and define rigid categories, not Her.
“Although I doubt there is one complete passage between shame and pride, there are many tunnels through the thicket, and on the other side lives an openness that lets us slide into our bodies and makes space for persistent joy and comfort. Body love can wake us up in the morning, put us to bed at night, visit us as we’re dressing to go out or just singing along to our favorite song. These moments don’t usually arrive as big, as loud, as brash, as a Pride parade. They just show up one day in the mirror or the camera, not that we’ve passively waited for them. No, we’re all too aware of how hard we’ve worked for them, but still they arrive unexpected. Sometimes in community or with a single friend. Sometimes with the encouragement of families and partners, or in collaboration with health care providers and therapists. Sometimes they arrive as we’re rabblerousing in the streets or when we’re stuffing envelopes for the next fundraiser. They arrive as we tromp through the woods or walk down the street or dance up a storm on Friday night.
However those moments arrive, let’s build community that nurtures them. Let’s figure out ways of naming bodily difference that fosters comfort and joy. Let’s build a politics that holds space, safety, options, and shuts no one out. Let’s pay attention to shame as both a community issue and a health issue. Let’s create the space to make our bodies home, filling our skin to its very edges.”--Eli Clare
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Back then I didn't know why
This is a bit late, but I wasn't able to write much right before/on Mother's Day because I didn't have a place to stay for the summer until yesterday. I've kept quiet about it for various reasons... But if you look at my bio on the right, you'll see that I say I live with my boyfriend. Until he moved out of his dorm yesterday, I lived with him unofficially because in a fit of major depression last summer I dropped out of college (yeah, I'm trying to get back in--I don't need more lectures on this).
How does this relate to Mother's Day?
Well, I suppose this is better fit for LJ than a blog, but meh.
I have...a very complicated view of and relationship with my mom.
Growing up, Mom says I was close to her and told her everything; but that's not right according to my memories and she has a tendency to cast history to her advantage so I'm not sure how true this is.
I remember picking black raspberries (not to be confused with those nasty blackberries) and making pies and jam and shortcake with my mom, sister, and grandma.
I also remember feeling betrayed when Mom disproved of my few friends because they were a "bad influence" (they were poor and/or had parents that weren't very responsible).
I know Mom loves me, but I also know she treated my sister and me very differently and one of the reasons my sister and I had such a bad relationship growing up was because we both saw the other one as the Favorite.
Now, I realize that we were treated so differently because of how different we were/are and because there is a four year difference.
But at the time, all I saw was how Becky (name changed) was catered to; how I was punished far more drastically and frequently than she was. All Becky saw was that I had far more privileges; how she was seen as less intelligent.
We fought about everything all the time; more than one (one? try a dozen) family outings were ruined by our fights.
Looking back, I see how it must have hurt and frustrated my mom to be in the middle of this day in and day out.
She was the youngest of three and the only girl.
She so wanted a sister growing up; I was constantly told how I should cherish my sister because brothers are worse.
Her parent's obvious favorite, even now, is the middle child--the brother that picked on her the most.
I look very much like my dad while my sister is the spitting image of my mom.
I've always wondered if she saw her brother and her in me and my sister's fights.
After four years of being away at boarding school, my sister and I are on far better terms; she was the first family member I came out to and her response was basically "I don't get it, but you're still my sibling". Becky is the one that calls me her brother (yet still uses feminine pronouns which is interesting sounding).
So now I get to the part about me being transsexual and how this relates to my relationship with my parents.
Given that parents are often blamed for their kid "turning out" gay or trans*, this isn't a topic I can just ignore.
I am not gay or trans* because of anything my parents did or didn't do; my relationships with them has been complicated and informed by me being transsexual, but thats quite different.
I don't know all the reasons why, being transsexual is one reason why, but I was very distant from my family as a middle-schooler and later even now.
Middle school is when my depression first started to raise it's head.
Not only was puberty going in an unexpected way (yeah, I was one of those trans*kids in such denial that I hoped that I'd magically get the correct puberty), but I was being bullied for being so smart.
Yeah, not because I was smart for a girl or anything, no--because I was acing the advanced classes without breaking a sweat.
In history I vied for top spot with a girl who studied her ass off while I read the textbook, multiple times, cover to cover for fun. She payed attention and took notes while I, bored of the textbook, read Xanth or Valdemar; the teacher didn't care since he could ask me a question,and while he may need to repeat it after he finally got my attention, I could answer in detail without a problem.
For this, I was shunned, called names, talked about, etc.
In middle school I loved the environment, wolves especially, and had a lot of t-shirts and books about wolves and werewolves. I did want to be a wolf; their power and close pack structure awed me.
Yet, having the kids ask me, the shy trans*kid that grew up being laughed at for my speech impediment (now outgrown), embarrassing questions like "do you really think you're a wolf?" just to get a blush and a stammer out of me...it really made me hate school and humanity in general. The teasing never really turned physical, but I did face a lot of verbal teasing and was shunned a lot ("you have such good ideas, why don't you work alone").
My parents, Mom especially, did what they could for the bullying.
Of course it didn't help; of course it made things worse.
Telling me to just ignore it? Telling me to trust the girls that were nice to me even once when I was already used to their betrayal?
Was one reason I stopped believing in my mom and dad.
Looking back, I also realize that this was when I first started to resent my mom and dad; I resent(ed) them for not seeing I was a boy, I think I even blamed them for me not being cissexual.
Even now, a part of me still resents them for it.
And another part resents them for all the little words and actions that delayed my coming out.
And I still have the notion that they should have known--they should have seen that I wasn't a girl.
I was a introverted kid, but a not-so-rational part of me still feels like they should have guessed.
Of course, as a teen, my mom did guess--sort of. She outright asked me a few times if I thought I was a boy or if I didn't want to be a girl. But by then, I remembered her random lectures about how being gay was against God's plan and how witches went to hell for worshiping the devil (I talked about reincarnation even as a little kid and I asked for tarot cards the week of that lecture). I remembered reading about Zach and how his parents sent him to a torture camp; and he was only gay--what would they do to me for being both gay and trans*?
So I lied through omission. I told her I didn't want to be a boy (not that I already was one) and I told her there was nothing wrong with being a girl (and not that I wasn't one).
I tried femininity out, to placate her, and found I liked parts of it. I found that eyeliner is hott and skirts can be comfy (at least, the swishy ones that reach my ankles are).
We bonded over how hot Johnny Depp is.
And then I turned 18 my senior year and decided that I wouldn't tell them until I knew I wouldn't be trapped in MI.
So, during spring break at college I emailed them both my coming out letter and called them, saying there was something important that I had only felt comfortable expressing in text.
Neither disowned me, but both are in their own form of denial.
Dad's is outright, "you are my daughter and you can never be a boy."
Mom's is more subtle (she's done this for a lot of things, so I know the signs), "I'll play 'good cop', but you'll grow out of this phase after a bit."
Despite planning and expecting worse, this complete erasure of who I am and what I told them (so much that I'd have to explain every time I mentioned wanting to change my name or be called by my nickname), I slipped into a really deep depression and basically stopped going to classes and fell asleep in the ones I did attend.
I couldn't study for tests or exams.
After spending a summer, practically alone (the few friends in the same state are an hour+ drive away), yet still shoved back into the closet after a year of being free...when I got the news that I lost my scholarship...I withdrew.
I asked my boyfriend if I could live with him in the dorms and my friend R said I could stay at his house in the days between my flight and my Luv moving into the dorms.
A few days later, I told my parents and I came out to them regarding my depression and their part in causing/triggering it.
Yes, I do feel they share some of the blame for how I reacted and what I did; though I realize that those actions are still mainly my responsibility.
I barely got them to agree to me coming back to NY, but I knew I'd kill myself if I stayed trapped in MI.
This year, despite a promise to call every week, I've called maybe a dozen times.
I get shaky and panicky just thinking about calling.
Guess where the only place I could stay this summer is?
Now guess how I feel knowing this; especially since my Luv, for unrelated-to-me reasons, is dropping out too. I do have a plan, I'm applying to colleges near Philly and will move in with a couple of friends later this summer (July or August), but who knows if this will be enough. Who knows if I'll get too trapped and try to find a quicker way out.
I know I need to reconcile with my parents, but I don't think I can right now.
They're both from families that don't believe in not caring for their own, so rationally speaking, I shouldn't need to worry about getting thrown out.
I still have to worry about getting caged though.
But how can I live with or truly love people who don't see ME?
How can my mom say she loves me unconditionally when she can't even call me by an androgynous nickname?
I'll never be a parent--by choice--so I can't know what it's like, but saying I love you to her sounds lie a sham when I can't even expect a name that doesn't hurt.
I don't know how I will resolve this. I'll make a rough plan and improvise.
My friends know how I am when I'm there; I've told them not to let me isolate myself further while I'm there. Though its not their responsibility, I don't think they'll let me down.
Who knows, maybe I'll find a miracle and and reconcile with my parents, come out to the rest of my family, and win the megamillion lotto.
**The title is from the Spice Girl's Mama, which my mom loved and I hated when I was a SG fan way back when.
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love
Monday, May 5, 2008
Action Alert
As discussed here and here, The group members the APA has chosen to revise GID in the DSM-V include maybe a couple people that are both experienced with trans*folk and are not completely transphobic. The pdf also includes the names of those working on various other things, as I am not familiar with them, disability-rights activists might want to check up on them too.
But on the "Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders taskforce" are both Ray Blanchard and Kenneth Zucker (I refuse to call these frauds doctors).
Zucker being the fucking Chair of the group!
Most of the other members don't even work with trans*folk, but as trans*folk are not the only focus of the group that isn't that bad.
I encourage people to email the apa with their 'concerns' about the apa's poor choices.
Emails cribbed from Bilerico:
"The APA press release states that for further information regarding this, to contact Rhondalee Dean-Royce (rroyce@psych.org) and Sharon Reis (sreis@gymr.com), though it's possible that they may govern the press release only, rather than have any involvement in the decision to appoint Zucker."
It's really sad when laypeople such as myself know better than those folks with Ph.Ds who supposedly specialize in this.
ETA: Dr. Douglas Halderman is on the APA's board of directors.
"Dr. Halderman played a fundamental role in the APA's vocal opposition to "conversion therapies" to "cure" non-normative sexual orientation. It stands to reason that he would have a sensitive ear to our concerns about Zucker's appointment to lead a team on revising the DSM entry for gender identity disorders, when Zucker advocates using the same tactics to "treat" non-normative gender identity.
Douglas Halderman's website lists his contact information. Please write, phone, fax or email your concerns to:
Douglas C. Haldeman, Ph.D.
2001 Western Avenue, Suite 310
Seattle, WA 98121
Phone: (206) 443-4306
Fax: (206) 728-1180
Email: doughaldeman@aol.com"
ETA2: I didn't know that there are two APAs; the American Psychiatric Association as well as the American Psychological Association. Dr. Haldeman is with the Psychological Ass. and the Psychiatric Ass. is the one working on the DMS-V.
After searching I found this: How to contact the Psychiatric Ass.'s board's staff, their advisers, as well as the APA's general contact info.
I can has hypocritical referances to Owellian doublethink**?
So, I was going to write a rant or something about a couple of anti-trans* posts I read.
I decided not to as both posts are utter crap, but then I decided to anyway.
One's about how logical this cis*woman is and how us trans*folk are so illogical, we expect our feelings to be catered to, how our "irrational or magical thinking is the sign of an ignorant person," and how she's condescending to us because "that’s what always happens when adults speak to retards."
Oooo, nice ablism thrown in as a delicious cherry on top!
The other one was that same old !transgender reifies gender and/or gender roles! !Just be a feminine man or a masculine woman! BS.
And the comments are way worse.
There was crap about how all trans*women just luurve porn and hentai and how this "proves" that they just fetishize being women and/or degraded like a woman.
How sexist men luurve to go to trans*women prostitutes and trans*women luurve it because they are degraded and together "Sexist men look out for each other and will cooperate to control women’s bodies in any novel way they can think of."
Oh yeah, apparently folks who experience transsexuality as I do, being "inordinately focused on 'the parts'", simply have OCD. An OCD that only manifests as wanting to have different genitals and/or secondary sexual characteristics.
Umm, I trust that trans*folks who also have OCD can tell the difference and would speak out if there was none. Just like how trans*POC would speak out if there were any similarities between being trans* and black/whiteface.
I love how knowing one trans*person, or going to a couple of meetings where there were a few trans*women present, makes you an expert on trans*folks and you therefore have a lot of experience with trans*folk.
And how it's our bad if we decide not to answer your inane and/or bigoted 'questions' (interrogations) and therefore you can go around saying trans*folk will never answer your innocent questions.
**Doublethink is an Orwellian word; doublespeak is not.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Farming T3h Links
I just put in my two-weeks notice, so I should have more time to blog in a bit.
But for now, here are some links y'all should check out:
Brownfemipower's finale. I've linked to her before, though not as often as I should have--every post was amazing and worthwhile, and have loved her blog since I first read it. I will miss her and her voice in the blogsphere.
Great news for disability rights activists; An Illinois court has ruled that it is illegal to sterilize a disabled woman against her will. I got the story from Feministe, but the comments really suck. Whatever happened to "my body, my choice"?
"How We See Each Other", from Transgriot.
"Seems like everyone belongs to a group with a cause.
And whether they recognize it or not, many causes share a common desire to be accepted.If they'd start by accepting each other, we might get somewhere."
I've also been reading Tamora Pierce's posts on Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. They're an offshoot of the Mormon church that still practices polygamy and there is currently a case regarding the fact that they often "married" off little girls and forced them to have sex with and have the children of their 30+ year old "husbands" (aka, rapists).
I'm reading about how the only current sex worker on a panel discussing sex work, the only one who ever did porn on a panel focusing on porn, may be silenced by those who claim to be sex workers' and/or prostituted women's allies.
Because she said bullies should die, choking on their own blood under a truck. And some of those unnamed bullies included radical feminists.
This is apparently a threat on a specific person's life.
I started reading this, but I have to attempt to sleep before work tomorrow. I have to say, a lot of my relatives are or were working class. My mom had a manual labor job (until her heart issues forced her to quit) and my dad only became white collar because he jumped on the computer train when it first started (he went from electrician to keeping the network running). Most of my paternal relatives work in the Ford factories.
So far that I've read, I totally agree with Bill's old statement, Obama's words, and ABW.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Beattie
So, as this is my blog, here are my thoughts on this matter:
I've been hearing of pregnant trans*men since I first started researching trans*ism, transition, and ftm-spectrum trans*folks.
So this isn't a big deal to me; I got over my shock that *gasp* not everyone is me and therefore not everyone has the same level of dissonance around the same exact things as I do.
I could never get pregnant and carry to term.
Not only do I have no desire for children, but I could never carry a pregnancy to term and stay sane/alive.
The few times my period was late after boyfriend J and I started having PIV sex I freaked out and looked up my bookmarked "how to terminate at home" links. I planned to wait one more week before buying orange juice, vitamin C tablets, etc. for a vitamin C abortion.
Luckily, my period started a couple days later no one else the wiser (J is the type who won't do things that make me feel uncomfortable even when I say it's okay).
So yeah, while I could never carry a kid and I have no desire to...I have no problem recognizing that many men want to and they are still men. As well as there are many ftm-spectrum folks who do not identify as man/male would want to have a biological child and this alone does not make them women (they're only women if that's already a part of their identity).
Hellfires, I'm sure there are cis*men who would want to carry their own kid and will if technology ever progresses so far (or virtually if virtual tech ever gets there).
"I see no justifiable reason why a man shouldn’t be able to become pregnant if he has the physical capacity to do so - without threatening his legal status as a man." Says Rebecca.
And on a different note, a woman's suit against her would-be employer will go forward. Izabella Lopez was offered a job at River Oaks Imaging and Diagnostic and when they did a background check and realized she's a trans*woman they took back the offer; citing a "policy of refusing to hire people whose background checks reveal they misrepresented themselves to get hired." Of course, Ms. Lopez put both her current and former legal names on the application and the section for names to search in the background check. And at least one of the Oaks employees knew her as a trans*woman.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Yes, I Will Condescend! (with emoticons even)
If a white person says they don't want me to call them white, that white is an insult to them and they're colorblind, colorless, the master race, etc--I'm gonna call them white anyway.
If a white person says or does something racist I'm gonna call them a racist.
If a straight person tells me not to call them straight or heterosexual because they're really just normal and calling them straight is an insult to their religion--I still call them straight or het.
And if they say or do something homophobic or heterosexist I call them on it.
I'm gonna call someone who makes a few million dollars a year rich; even if they see themselves as being middle class or normal.
And, you can say it with me now, if someone says or does something classist I'm gonna call them on it, even if they think it's an insult.
Now, guess what?
^.^
If someone is not trans*, in any way shape or form, I'm going to call them cissexual, cisgendered, or a cis*person even if they think it's an insult (though it's not).
If someone, who is or is not trans*, does or says something transphobic or cissexist I'm going to call them a transphobe, a cissexist, and/or a bigot even if they think that's an insult (which it may or may not be, context is important).
There is this whole idea that there are, surprisingly enough, multiple ways of identifying and multiple ways of being privileged/oppressed!
No really! You can be both black and rich, a man and trans*, disabled and straight, and all sorts of other combinations! You can even be straight, a woman, and rich. Isn't that special? =^.^=
This means, children, that you can be both oppressed and privileged.
They don't cancel out either! They intersect--can you say intersectionality? (Since some folks are so fond of it, I did link to Wiki, even if it isn't very great generally.)
Therefore, you can have racial privilege even while being oppressed because you are queer and trans*. Like me! ^.~
You can also be oppressed because you're a woman while gaining privilege (remember, privileged folks generally don't see their own privilege even when it's pointed out!) because you are not trans*; this would be either or both cissexual or cisgender privilege--yes, I use both those words and they have different meanings! ^.^
And ya know, you can also be cisgendered and a woman and a female. You see, none of those cancel each other out or overlay the others. Just like how you can be both straight and a woman. ;)
ETA: I agree with Lisa.
If cis*folks, all of them whether they're radical feminists or not, stop calling us by the wrong sex and/or gender labels, labeling us as freaks or deviants or perverts or monsters or “most self-destructive embodiment of the patriarchy” or anything else we don't choose for ourselves... If cis* privilege goes away, never to return... If we were no longer oppressed because we are trans*...
...Cissexual, cisgender, etc would not have to be used and it wouldn't be privileged to tell us not to use it.
So, since I doubt cissexism will go away until all the other oppressions also go away (and they won't go away until cissexism is also dealt with), why don't you stop telling us why we do what we do and why we are who we are, stop misgendering us in your words and thoughts, stop kicking us out of rape and DV shelters, etc so we can all go back to work?
Because until you stop attacking us and being cissexist, we won't stop calling you on it.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Skewed Words
Bigots often take the words those they hate use to define themselves and skew their meanings to make their 'opponents' look ridiculous and make them defend against a straw-argument.
This is true, we see it all the time with right-wing assholes saying they aren't homophobic because they aren't afraid of queer folk.
I used to argue against this conservative woman who refused to call "homosexuals" gay because gay meant happy and very few "homosexuals" were truly happy (and they were going to hell).
If anything, bigots who twist words like this remind me of a heterosexist twelve-year old on that same forum who kept getting mad and offended because she refused to look at my definitions for things and instead 'clarified' my posts with AskJeeves.
So, what's up with some radfems doing this crap?
Sure, things like Lucky's comment and maybe the "radfemophobia" post are jokes. In some ways I don't mind them as much because we all do stuff like that; yet at the same time I sometimes mind them more because posts like Men in Ewes Clothes and Polly's don't have the option of hiding behind "It was just a joke!".
Personally, I try not to use transphobic and homophobic because, in part, how people will choose to misinterpret them; I try to use heterosexist and cissexist instead.
but you know, straw-arguments don't win people over, they don't prove any real point, and they don't show much integrity.
And honestly, if you ask most of the folks who use 'cisgender' they'll say it means "non-trans*"; if they go into more depth they'll say something to the effect of "someone who is comfortable in the sex/gender they were born/assigned as" (and by gender they won't mean masculine/feminine, they'll mean woman/man/girl/boy).
Off topic: Sorry for not posting much recently, I work from 5ish-12ish and it's an hour walk to work (luckily I can usually get a ride back) and I'm trying to keep myself from withdrawing from people.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
A few things...
#One, I edited the definitions post a bit.
#Two, re trans* vs. HBS: If you don't identify as trans* (transgender, transsexual, transman, etc.) than don't apply it to yourself. If you identify as a woman with HBS and not as a trans* woman than don't apply anything I say about trans*women or trans*folk to yourself. If whatever I'm saying is similar to what you've experienced or is true for you, but you don't identify as a trans*person then too bad--you don't get it both ways. If you don't want to identify, even just politically, with trans*folk then don't fucking apply yourself to my words. If you don't identify as trans*, but realize it is also a political group and an umbrella term and you believe you fall under one or both of those then you can, if you choose, apply what I say about trans*folk to yourself.
Basically, if you don't believe trans* applies to you than it doesn't and I don't want to deal with elitist HBS women (or, for that matter) and other elitists. (Fyi, I dislike both elitist HBS folks and elitist genderqueer/nonbinary folks--I've just met more of the former than the latter)
#Two-point-five, I agree with Raven Kaldera on whether or not transsexuality should be seen as or labeled as an intersex condition; ie: it shouldn't be. We should be allies an work together, but we are most definitely different groups (with some over-lap)--just like queer and trans*folk.
#Three, I haven't posted much lately because I have a new job (as well as a high libido and a willing boyfriend ^.~ no, I won't share details though). I also have various other offline issues like depression and spiritual and friend drama going on and I can't just ignore it (tried that, doesn't ever work).
#Four, because I want to voice my support though I don't have the time/energy for a blogwar, Blackamazon is totally more awesome and better-informed on PP history than The Apostate.
#Five, please support the Southall Black Sisters.
#Six, I wish I could've posted something for Sex Workers' Rights Day, but I don't think I even got online that day.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Hate Crimes Laws
This is why I support hate crimes legislation.
Because oftentimes, people don't kill minorities just because of a mugging or a disagreement or whatever.
No...they kill us so we can't stand up.
So we will kill ourselves for them.
So we will remember our place is under their boots.
Read my last few posts and the posts I've linked to.
What do they say?
Are you listening?
I gorram know it could happen to me (though it's less likely as I am white and on the ftm spectrum as opposed to the mtf spectrum), I work about an hours walk from my boyfriend's dorm and I usually get out of work at midnight. And only a few friends have cars and they can't always pick me up and I feel horrible for asking them all the time.
And no matter what I do I can't pass as straight.
People either misgender me as a butch lesbian or they see me as a young queer boy.
Every murder--from Gwen to Simmie to Brandon to Lawrence--reminds me that I or any one of us could be next.
And I don't feel this way about muggings or car accidents or even hold ups.
Every one of those murders was a hate crime--a clear message that I am not a person and they will do whatever it fucking takes to make me and those like me remember that.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Too fucking easy.
Tradgedies galore.
Here's an article by a LJ friend of mine on how fucking easy it is to kill trans*folk. There's also an article about a ten-year old's suicide because this male-assigned kid wanted to be a girl.
How To Kill a Transperson
By Ceridwen Troy
This article was written on Friday, Feb. 15, 2008.
On Saturday, Sanesha Stewart, a transwoman of color living in the Bronx, was murdered in her own apartment. She was 25 years old. Her accused killer, Steve McMillan, had known her for months, yet when he was arrested, he claimed to have been enraged to find out that she was what the media coverage called not really a woman. He stabbed her over and over again in the chest and throat. She tried to fight him off; there were defensive wounds found on her hands.
On Tuesday, eighth-grader Lawrence King was in a classroom in Oxnard, Calif. He was openly gay, and often came to school in gender-bending clothing, makeup, jewelry and shoes. According to another student, it was freaking the guys out. One of them shot Lawrence in the head. He was declared brain-dead on Wednesday.
It is easy to look at cases like this and think, how tragic. How random. How senseless.
But then, you forget how easy it is to kill a transgender person.
You forget that all across this nation, faith leaders of all stripes, men and women who claim to speak for God Himself, call us sinners, call us abominations, call us evil.
You forget that at best the media depicts us as something to be pitied, something that our families must be strong and overcome. At worst, they depict us as abnormal, exploiting our bodies for ratings, exploiting the publics fear of us for shock value.
You forget that on a good day, law enforcement agents are neglectful of us, and that far more frequently they join in our harassment. You forget the transwomen of color who are rounded up on suspicions of prostitution. You forget the beatings that go uninvestigated. You forget the molestation and rape we face when we are arrested.
You forget the medical establishment that drains our wallets for the therapy and hormones and surgeries they tell us we need. You forget the way we are then refused treatment when we are dying, dying of treatable diseases, dying of easily patched wounds.
You forget that, by the law of the land, it is legal in the majority of states to deny us employment, to deny us service, to deny us housing.
You forget the shelters and the rape crisis centers that will not allow us through their doors.
You forget that many of us do not even have family to turn to when we are at our most desperate.
You forget that the leaders of our own community have told us that it is not time for us to have rights, that it is not pragmatic for us to be considered worthy of the same respect as other human beings.
You forget that in our own circles, it is considered a negative thing to be too flamboyant. You forget the way our pride parades have been derided by our own community. You forget the scorn heaped upon drag queens by other gay men. You forget the fear to be seen in public with a friend who is considered too open, too queer.
You forget the way it seeps into the minds of transgender people, too. You forget the way a transsexual will shout that she is not a crossdresser, as if there were something wrong with that. You forget the catty names we call each other if we don’t pass”
You forget how many of us take our own lives every year.
You forget because the noise is always there, a constant drone in the background. Every newspaper piece that calls a transwoman he instead of she. Every talk show host who spends an hour talking about our genitals. Every childish taunt about looking like a tranny. Every transperson who talks about themselves as true transsexuals. Every activist and politician who tells us now is not the time.
You forget too, how easy it is to kill a person of color, with myths about gangstas and lies about immigrants. You forget how easy it is to kill a person living in poverty, cutting off her welfare because she is suuposedly being paid to breed. You forget how easy it is to kill a sex worker, with sex-shaming language, slinging about slurs like hooker and whore.
You forget the message hidden inside every single one of those statements.
You are less than I am. You are not worthy of the rights and respect that I am worthy of.
You are not human.
It is very easy to kill something that you do not see as human.
It is very easy to kill a transperson.
Gender torment of 10-year-old Cameron
(I'll use nongender pronouns for Cameron)
This poor kid, hir poor family... no one should have to bury their child.
And hir mom sounds far more supportive than many parents; she bought hir girls knickers and was their for hir and had only refused to buy hir make-up because sie was only ten.
I hate this society. I hate that a kid can feel so alone, so hopeless, that sie would kill themselves because they are or may be trans*.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A moment of silence...
I honestly don't know what to type right now, so I'll link to the words of some others folks.
Megan rounded up a lot of the articles, beware, they're pretty bad.
Holly on Feministe.
Little Light is a true poet.
Lisa has a look at how trans*women of color are treated in the media.
Belledame also has some thoughts on the news coverage.
Cara has even more.
This isn't specifically about Sanesha, but Julia Serano's TDoR post is so very touching. And on her Feministing article, she links to this article about Gwen Araujo, but I just want others to read it too.
"No one deserves to be killed for deception.
But in Gwen's case, there was no deception. Gwen was just being herself. In a world in which we are all told we have to be more feminine or more masculine -- Gwen was wise enough to know herself and brave enough to be herself. That is beautiful. She should be our role model.
Instead, transgender people are seen as deceivers. The word "deception" comes up often in our lives." --Dylan Vade
ETA: And another kid was killed; eighth grade, a classmate shot him for being gay and feminine.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Why do I keep calling the Decepticons "Destructocons"?
In light of this upcoming event...
Because This Isn't a Utopia
Unless your idea of a Utopia is one where LGBT folks, POC (people of color), female-assigned and/or identified people, and other groups are treated as less than human.
Triggers for mentions as well as a couple accounts of rape, assaults, etc.
Here is Amnesty Internationale's (AI) Stonewalled, a pdf report of police brutality against LGBT folk. (And FIERCE is named in the report a few times!)
It includes everything from police raping, beating, profiling, allowing others to rape and/or assault LGBT folks, policing morals, targeting LGBT activists/demonstrators, forcibly supporting gentrification, and how police officers are trained to deal with GLBT people (or rather, how they aren't trained).
(No, I don't blame every police officer)
A few of the many stories:
Montgomery, Alabama: Marissa, a white transgender lesbian woman, reports that in 2001 she was abused in jail. She told AI, “Two jailers and a state trooper made me strip in front of them while they looked on … I was made to dance around in front of them, shouting ‘I’ve got a penis, I’ve got a penis!’ Then they made me hold my penis in front of them and show them I could masturbate. I was then cavity searched; the anal search was excruciatingly painful, much more than any physician-directed rectal exam I ever had. I was then told to shower while one guy watched. By this time I was very, very weak, and collapsed, injuring my arm, shoulder and back …. I pleaded to see a doctor but was ignored and forced to walk to a cell carrying a mattress. The police officers and jailers constantly referred to me as ‘that dick’ …. Apart from the fact that I was repeatedly forced to admit I was a man, I was called ‘faggot,’ ‘sir’ and ‘fucking pansy.’”
"Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: Finesse Kelly, an African American transgender woman, and a friend were attempting to hail a cab in the early morning hours of 4 February 2002 in Philadelphia. A police officer reportedly hurled slurs at Finesse, including “retard” and “animal,” and then arrested her."
"Cincinnati, Ohio: Spears, a 26-year-old gay man, was allegedly arrested after he was the victim of a homophobic crime. Spears alleges that while handcuffed and placed in the police car, he asked why he was being arrested. The officers stopped the car and reportedly maced him in the face and poked him with a nightstick when he squirmed to get away from the mace.""
"Athens, Georgia: In 2004, a lesbian from Athens filed a civil lawsuit alleging that a former Gwinnett County Georgia deputy raped her because she is a lesbian. The officer is accused of forcing her into her apartment at gunpoint and raping her. The woman said the officer vowed to “teach her a lesson” and said “the world needed at least one less dyke and he was going to make sure that happened.” He was charged with rape, false imprisonment, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault with intent to rape, and violating his oath of office. According to the Athens-Clarke County District Attorney’s office, while acquitted on a number of charges, the officer was found guilty of violating his oath of office. The officer agreed to a deal whereby he received two years probation where he was to have no contact with the victim, he was banned from Athens-Clarke County, and promised not to appeal the decision."
Here is an AI magazine article titled Brutality in Blue:
(Here is a portion of the article)
"When officers police by prejudice, permitting gender stereotypes to dictate decisions, punishment often falls on victims rather than criminals. In one Amnesty International (AI) account of a domestic dispute between lesbians, the officers arrested the woman who looked more masculine, even though she had placed the 911 call; in another, officers advised the woman who looked more feminine, "You need a real man." Although statistics are scarce, most experts agree that, as with anti-gay bias crimes in general, reported cases of police LGBT mistreatment are only the tip of the iceberg.
Confrontations sparked by an officer's homophobic slur can escalate into outright physical or sexual violence. After being attacked on the street, a young gay man told AI, he flagged down two officers on patrol; they responded with taunts, then handcuffed him, pushed him into their car and sprayed Mace in his face when he demanded to know why he was being arrested. And the violence comes in different forms. A Native-American transgender woman told AI, "The police are not here to serve; they are here to get served. Every night I'm taken into an alley and given the choice between having sex or going to jail."
That transgender individuals, particularly women and young people, bear the disproportionate brunt of police brutality against LGBT people is among the AI report's key conclusions. The AI report also found that within the LGBT community, people of color, youth, the homeless and immigrants are at greater risk of police abuse. AIUSA Executive Director Dr. William F. Schulz commented at the Sept. 22 Stonewalled press conference in New York City, "Transgender individuals, people of color and the young suffer disproportionately, especially when poverty leaves them vulnerable to homelessness and exploitation and less likely to draw public outcry or official scrutiny. It is a sorry state of affairs when the police misuse their power to inflict suffering rather than prevent it.""
(bolding mine)
Mariah Lopez, a transgendered woman of color, made a statement to AI regarding her experiences with the NYC police.
"My name is Mariah Lopez. I am a young, transgender person of color. I also am an activist who does street-based outreach in the West Village, where I also socialize.
Let me tell you how the police often respond to this.
With verbal abuse.
Sexual harassment.
Unwarranted arrests.
Withholding food, water and medication in detention.
Humiliating and inappropriate strip searches.
Physical assaults.
This is what I have endured at the hands of police and corrections officers - and not just once. What occurs is a systemic abuse of power, one that is seemingly inflicted on whim. For my friends and me, it seems that something as inconsequential as an officer's mood can dictate whether we spend time in jail.
I have been arrested a number of times in the West Village - including as recently as three months ago - always for solicitation, or loitering with intent to solicit. Most of the time I plead "guilty." When you're young, aren't told your full legal options, have no bail money and face abuse, what do you do? You plead "guilty," just to get everything over with as quickly as possible.
Sometimes that's not fast enough.
Here's an example. In April of last year, I was walking in the West Village with friends. Several undercover detectives approached us and told me to leave the vicinity immediately or I would be subject to arrest and prosecution. I refused to comply, as I had the right to be there. Less than two hours later I was arrested and charged with "loitering with the intent" of prostitution.
At the 6th precinct, I was verbally abused and forced to disclose my "real" gender, though my ID clearly states that I am female. I requested that officers refer to me with female pronouns, which is my legal right under the New York City Human Rights Law. They continued to abuse, harass and degrade me, referring to me as "it," "he/she" and calling me by male names rather than my own.
Later I was arraigned; I pled "guilty" and was sentenced to ten days (of which I served seven). Upon intake at Rikers Island, I was told that I couldn't get alternative housing based on my gender identity, which would have provided safety from other inmates (all of whom were male). I had to undergo an embarrassing and degrading strip search and was badgered about the size of my genitalia and for having breasts. Next a nurse examined me in an open, clinic-based setting with no regard for patient confidentiality, where she surmised out loud that I must be HIV positive or have AIDS.
I was placed in a cell for several hours with no food, water or access to a bathroom. I brought this to the attention of the corrections officer; in exchange, the officer assaulted me, leaving me with severe bruising and abrasions. His justification? Claiming that I was being disruptive, all because I demanded my basic rights.
I was then transferred into a dorm with other inmates, which led to a week of physical and emotional abuse, as well as sexual harassment, at the hands of inmates and corrections officers alike. The inmates ordered me not to use the open showers when they did; to avoid trouble and for privacy reasons I requested to shower early in the morning or late at night. Corrections officers denied this request. They also refused to intervene when the inmates repeatedly threw hard objects at me - even after an object slammed into my face while I was reporting the incident.
Finally a more responsible area captain took note of my bruises, and I was moved to alternative housing - just one day before my release, too late to offer relief from what I had been through. According to her, this housing had been available all along."
Now it is illegal for you to walk down the street-- if you are a trans*woman that is.
Because not only is prostitution proof that one is a criminal and a horrible person, but trans*women are obviously incapable of having or holding any other job.
Just the other night, two members of the Silvia Rivera Law project were arrested as others in the group were sprayed with pepper spray. Here is the live-blogging of Jack, of http://angrybrownbutch.com, “East village. Mostly queers, lots of trans folks, lots of people of color. Peaceful celebration of a right on organization. Police called. Violent arrests of two peaceful people. Mace in many people’s eyes and throats, including mine.. At the precinct now. More soon.”
ETA: They have been freed! All charges were dropped. Silvia Rivera Law Project has more.
To "Protect and Serve", huh? Maybe the Decepticons' motto from the new movie is more descriptive--"To Punish and Enslave."
In Newark NJ, a group of seven black lesbians were attacked by a straight black man. Who went to jail? Four of the Lesbians of course.
(Daisy, and Brownfemipower have done a great job already on writing and collecting links)
Isn't defending yourself from violence a human right? They don't even know if Johnson, the woman accused of stabbing Buckle, actually stabbed the guy as no forensics were done on her knife and there were two (still unidentified) men also involved (one of them could hae stabbed the guy). In fact, at first Buckle was saying that he was attacked by men, not women.
The women were tried by an all-white and all-female jury (it is not known what the sexual orientations or trans*/cis* identifications of the jury are, but I can make an educated guess that most of them, if not all of them, are straight and cissexed).
Aren't the intersections of race, gender identity/assigned-sex, and sexual orientation just fascinating?
Urbane areas, the North, NYC, etc. are not immune from bigotry. We have racists, misogynists, homophobes, transphobes, etc. galore here. Here at my NY uni there have been all sorts of anti-semitic graffiti in multiple bathrooms.
Every time you are silent when someone makes a bigoted remark; each friend or relative you don't call on their bigotry; every time you ignore a person as they starve in front of you—you are supporting bigotry. Almost everyone is guilty. We don't want to rock the boat; we don't want to lose a friend; we don't know if that person is going to just go and buy drugs or booze. Well, you can change the subject in ways that make it obvious you don't want to hear that sort of talk; you can call someone out and if they can't deal with it you can make new friends or spend less time with that relative; you can give out granola bars or scarfs.
But there is Hope; nothing is Static.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
HBS bigots
I hate the smug, self-satisfying, classist, racist, sexist, heterosexist "Harry Benjamin Syndrome" transgender folk. (ETA: I'm sure there must be some HBS folk who aren't cissexist, sexist, etc, but every person I have ever come into contact with who identified as HBS, including the person I'm ranting about here, has said a great many bigoted things towards transgender, genderqueer, queer, etc. folk)
HBS is their term for trans*ism and they constantly use it to demean trans*folk who don't fit into their standards. Their standards? Straight, white, rich, gender-role conforming, post-surgery, deep stealth trans*women.
Every single time I have ever seen HBS used as an identity, that person has been incredibly homophobic and hateful towards other trans*people. people who otherwise might choose to identify as HBS, such as myself, choose not to be associated with such bigotry and stupidity.
I was just going to quote parts of this comment, but there was so much wrong that I can't choose (the non-italized is her quoting me).
"Mainstream society already saw us as freaks and fags and dykes way before he first trans* activists joined with the first queer activists–we were all perverts together you know.
Well, if your queer to begin with then your not likely to have been considered anything else. As a heterosexual I never felt that from mainstream. In fact, I was helped along by mainstream in all phases of my transition including employment. That would not happen today though since in recent years we are all considered queer. That is a direct result of the inclusion of us all in the transgender umbrella under the flag of the GLBT.
“Though I do hope that they focus on the laws that will help the poorest of us first–employment and housing would be nice”
Now why on earth should you want the United States or any other country for that matter to treat you any different than anyone else? Gays are employed and live everywhere across this nation. In fact some of the richest men and women on the planet are gay and lesbian. Seems like they didn’t need a special law to help them be who they are. Why do the transgendered need this when there are plenty of non-trans folk that cant get the same thing. You don’t see them out lobbying congress for the right to work and the right to have a home. Why are the gender queers so special? If you cant make it in society because you made the decision to transition knowing full well the consequences you faced, why should the rest of society make a special allotment for you to make up for your short fallings?
Transsexuals have been transitioning and having surgery for the past 60 years. The vast majority of them have transitioned and moved quietly into society without any help from anyone. They took the risks and lived with the consequences and when the going got tough they overcame. If someone decides to try to transition with no money or a low paying job or simply because they will have to commit suicide if they don’t transition, then they have to face the consequence of that. If they are so “female inside” yet they have little chance of even remotely assimilating as a woman yet they still decide to transition, why should employers be forced to hire them? If a person goes for a job anywhere they normally try to look their best for an interview. They don’t simply assume that an employer is going to overlook their appearance. Why should it be any different for transgenders that look hideous in their chosen gender mode? Hell, even gay owned businesses will not hire obvious trannys. Employment discrimination is not exclusive to mainstream.
The problem here is that the transgenders seem to feel that they are the victims. Instead of getting their act together they hang out on the internet and feel empowered by their “union”. Instead of looking at the way the real world works they yell and scream that they are being singled out. Its a victim mentality instead of a help yourself mentality. Those of us that have been successful at transition have either gotten their act together before jumping into the fire or had enough resources, smarts and inner fortitude to see it through transition. We knew it was financial suicide to embark on a journey with no way of reaching the goal.
Please, don’t tell me about those that “Have to transition or commit suicide” Its pure drama. If someone is suicidal about transition they have more problems than gender dysphoria. They need to sort those problems out first. Transition is not going to help them.
Transition is tough. It SHOULD be tough. It is the fire that will burn the fakers and temper the needy. It should make you stronger and make you whole and make you self reliant. If it doesn’t then you did something wrong.
"
Bigots like her make me want to hit someone. They are so blind to their own privilege and instead of focusing on those that actually hurt them, they choose to attack those in similar positions--people who should be their allies!
x-posted to tranny_rage and queer_rage.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Watch Your Language You #%@&!
I wrote this back in Sap-timber, yet it is still just as relevant.
Calling us transgenders, disordered, retarded, morons, hysterical, freak shows, etc; calling trans*folk you disagree with trannies, men in dresses, pseudo-intellectuals, gay men (or women or lesbians if the trans*person is a guy), perpetuating stereotypes, "Tranny [Lastname]", hoping their transition goes horribly, speculating that their transition went horribly, etc.
Comparing the spending of time and money on bathrooms to supporting NAMBLA is so fucking wrong I have no words.
Telling us we aren't important and our struggles shouldn't make the news... yeah, getting murdered and arrested for using the bathroom totally isn't important. Fighting for our rights is always important and it should always be supported.
Not wanting to listen to bigoted speech is not silencing debate. When we tell off people for their obvious cissexism, like telling us to get to the back of the line or calling us freaks, it doesn't mean we can't take criticism or can't see other peoples' sides. It means that we won't take bigotry laying down and we won't accept hate.
By the way, I'm reposting this rant mostly because of the comments on several trans*-related articles on Queerty, a GLBT website. That's right, trans* people, queer people, and our allies were the ones saying this. Someone called Theresa Sparks "Tranny Sparks" because she returned her award to the HRC (btw Sparks, go girl!). A gay man called a trans*guy hysterical, the article about him struggling to use the men's room contrived, compared spending money on us to spending money on NAMBLA, as well as a host of other things. The actual article on the youtube video of a trans*woman getting trash thrown at her said, " A reader sent us this irksome, yet entertaining video of some British boys harassing an obviously delirious tranny, with this note attached..." Then some of the commenters went on to say she deserved to get attacked because of how she acted and how dare she go out in such a short skirt?! Several trans*women got into an argument on an article about Susan Stanton. A few Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) women were calling my friend, because she doesn't want surgery and sometimes identifies as a shemale, a man and refusing to see her as a women; comparing her calling herself a woman to calling herself a turnip. My friend, retaliated by attacking one of the trans* woman's appearance.
Cissexism, transphobia, sexism, etc. are alive and well even among those who claim they are our allies; even among ourselves. This, I think, is what disheartens me the most. How divided we are. How quickly we judge. How ignorant of others' experiences and feelings. How hateful we can be.
I know I'm guilty too, we all are.
******
Can we stop using trans*, trans, transgender, gay, etc. as nouns?
You say blah blah blah a trans*person--not blah blah blah a trans*.
I am not a gay--I am a gay (or queer) person.
I am not a transgender--I am a transgender (or transgendered or trans*) person.
When talking about including or excluding trans*folk, can you, especially if you are yourself trans*(!!!), refer to cis* folk as just that--cissexed, cisgender, or cis*folk! If you don't like, don't know, or know that it would cause waaay more drama to do so, then at least call cis*folk "non-trans* folk".
When you talk about trans*women and women as two separate groups you reinforce the idea that trans*women aren't women (and you are a trans*woman!).
"Trans*folk/women are to cis*women as white folk are to black folk" fails as an analogy; find one that actually makes sense.
I have asked this before. What is the one experience or set of experiences that every cis*woman [everywhere of all backgrounds, races, class, nationalities, etc.] has had that no male-assigned person [anywhere of any class, race, nationality, etc.] has ever experienced?
What is this all-encompassing female experience?
PS: You automatically fail at life (-42 points) if you mention or talk about, in all seriousness, "Trans* Politics", "Trans* Agenda", "Trans* Lobby" or anything similar.
