What's in a name?
To many of us trans* people, names are important. Unlike most cis* people, we have to choose our names because the names we were given (forced on us?) are not suitable. Very rarely do our parents give us a name we can keep; so that when we tell someone our legal name we are either misgendered or outed immediately.
It seems like there is always a post about names in the general trans* forums I read; recently, there is one asking for names that do not easily get “misheard” and transformed from masculine to feminine.
Many transition guides and trans* resources have posts with tips on choosing names. All sorts of advice is given; don't choose names that are currently trendy (Aiden/Ayden/etc), ask your parents to help, find meanings you like...
Names have power.
I've read a lot of fantasy where magic can be performed by knowing a person or object's true name; where people or demons can be controlled or destroyed by those with their true name.
Here, names have the power to out, to get you extra “random security checks”, to color peoples' gendered perceptions of you, etc.
I'll be changing my name later this week.
To Kristopher [current middle name]-Rivera [lastname].
I didn't exactly choose Kristopher; my friends sometimes called me Ristopher after I started going by my nickname Riss. I'm not Christian, but I liked the name and I felt like Kristopher...suited me somehow. Even friendly acquaintances who didn't know I was questioning said that Kristopher suited me.
Both of my grandmas have the same middle name, so my parents gave it to me—and I chose to keep it because I like it.
Rivera is for Sylvia Rivera, an amazing woman and one of the first trans* people I ever learned about.
With my real name legally recognized I'll be able to apply for college, jobs, etc. without (much) anxiety. I'll be able to attend classes without emailing the teachers to begask to be referred to by my nickname.
There'll be less anxiety around my name, but now when I apply for a job I'll be more worried about my legal sex. Hopefully, they won't notice it or realize it's a mistake.
[I wrote the above last week. I went to court just the other day.]
I was extremely anxious about court; not everyone's name change is granted after all.
Luckily, it went without a hitch.
After going through security in my nice clothes and tie, I spent more time waiting (and listening to half a dozen divorces—and they say queer and trans* people will ruin marriage...) than actually in front of the judge. Seriously, he asked me why I wanted to change my name (personal preference and common usage) and if I was changing it for fraudulent reasons (err, no) then granted it.
Though according to my friend who drove me, whispers did break out in the seats when my case was called; I admit I wasn't paying much attention to them at the time...
And next I get to change my name on my BC and state ID and whatnot.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
'Stupid assumptions' is redundant
"Intolerance is the most socially acceptable form of egotism, for it permits us to assume superiority without personal boasting."
"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."
--Sydney J. Harris
There is a part of me that just can't let go of the idea that we transition to be straight and/or to conform to man=masculine/woman=feminine ideals.
With my knowledge of myself and other trans* folks, it just makes no sense.
This idea ignores genderqueer folks as well as other trans* folks who don't identify entirely as either a woman or a man.
It ignores queer trans* folk.
Theories that contain this idea ignore feminine ftm-spectrum folks and masculine mtf-folks.
The idea completely ignores androgynous trans* folks as well as others whose gender expression is neither masculine nor feminine.
And most of all, this idea erases all that we say about ourselves.
I absolutely hate refuting this idea/theory.
Because I find most simple answers are subversivist and/or ignore trans* folks who do not feel the need to transition.
Because I never remember to answer the base assumptions instead of the surface arguments.
This argument is so tired and old and has been used by everyone from transphobic queers to religious fundamentalists to transphobic feminists to social conservatives.
The assumption that masculinity is forever tied to 'man' and maleness and that femininity is forever tied to 'woman' and femaleness.
This theory assumes that there is something inherently sexual about being trans* or transitioning.
It assumes trans* and trans* folks are a monolithic group/ideology.
Proponents assume that there is something bad about being trans*, something horrible about transitioning. That no one would transition or be trans* if we didn't have to.
When for many trans* folk, being trans* is about their sex, being trans* is about their gender not fitting into either man or woman, being trans* is about their soul, being trans* is a very individual thing and is not easily explained, and there are so many ways of being trans*.
While many of us are sexual beings (just as many cis* people), we do not all view genitals as being inherently sexual.
There is a huge amount of diversity in the trans* communities; both in what 'trans' means to people and in our interests and views.
I am so glad that I am trans*; I feel like even if my life ends tomorrow, I will have grown so much in this life just from being trans* and meeting people through being trans*. I am not alone in this.
I felt so much more free after I was finally able to be out about being a guy. I feel so trapped in not being able to start T or get surgeries. I am not alone in this.
If there was a pill that would make me a cis*woman, I would refuse it. If there was a way for me to go back in time and make me a cis* person (woman or man), I would refuse it. If there was a way to make sure no trans* people would ever be born, I would fight against it. I am not alone in this.
If you listen to us, most trans* folks would not be helped by just getting rid of gender or getting rid of rigid gender/sex roles.
Try listening to us, we know that Jesus/Allah/Kali will not "fix" us if we just prayed more (God[s/ess] makes no mistakes, right?).
Listen and you'll know that ideology and talk therapy will not "cure" us.
Listen and you'll see that drugs and behavioral therapy do nothing to help us.
Listen; don't assume, listen.
For some of us, medical transition is a necessity for continued life and/or happiness.
For some of us, being able to have nongendered pronouns known and respected is necessary.
For some of us, unisex toilets are a temporary or permanent necessity.
For some of us, legal gender/sex markers need to be changed or done away with.
But for all of us, respect and acceptance and love are necessary.
This is the reality, the logical conclusions.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Camp Trans is made of win
As I said before, CT was awesome.
Michfest is no longer it's main thing, though certainly its still important to CT. The "WBW"(such a BS phrase) policy is pretty much unenforced and it seems like the majority of festies either don't care if trans* women are there or want trans* women there. In fact, some festies who left early left their wristbands with CT for trans* women to get in and another festy donated money for tickets for trans* women. I missed the days we walked the line, but I heard that reception was mixed which is pretty normal. Though there were some folks that didn't talk to any negative people at all.
The mtf-spectrum folks who went to fest all had a good time, they even hosted a workshop on ENDA. One woman I talked to said that one festie she had spoken with in the line recognized her and came over and said hi and was very glad that she had made it into fest.
There was some bad news. A fest van crashed and, while I'm not sure about details, apparently one fest goer died. When we learned of this, as a community, we immediately decided to get flowers and bring them to the gates. So the next day folks donated money and a few campers went to town to get the flowers. According to those that brought the flowers, the gate keepers were very grateful and I guess there were tears and hugs all around.
Getting back to CT...
I was completely in love with the trans*-centric space there. When we introduced ourselves we gave both our names and our preferred pronouns. Everyone I spoke to respected the gender identities of the others. I can't really put into words how awesome this felt.
It was literally the first time I ever felt really, really safe and not on the defensive in regards to my gender. It was the first time I felt that complete strangers would respect my maleness without me having to hide my transsexuality.
It was just utterly amazing to go somewhere and not second-guess myself and distrust the folks around me (in regards to my gender).
There were all sorts of genders represented; people who identified within the traditional binary to people who couldn't fit into it if they tried. There were butch mtf-spectrum folks; fem ftm-spectrum folks (besides me, though I wasn't feeling all that fem while I was there); and all sorts of flavors of androgynous folks. There were people who didn't use pronouns; some who didn't care what pronouns you used; there were folks who got very offended (rightfully so) if you didn't use the right pronouns.
And there wasn't any excuse for using the wrong pronouns; not only did folks introduce themselves with their pronouns, but it was perfectly acceptable and welcome to ask someone which they prefer. And I say this as someone who did accidentally use the wrong pronouns a few times; and I too don't have any excuse--all I could do was apologize and work to not fuck up again.
But yeah, just being around so many awesome trans* folk and making friends with them and really finally understanding that I'm not alone was just amazing. I really recommend going if you are trans*--especially if you don't know a lot of trans* folk yet. Though obviously only go if you are able to respect all trans* folk. *glares at the HBS folks*
Allies are of course welcome, but this is a, especially a mtf-spectrum, trans*-centric space.
And while I think mtf-spectrum folks were under represented, it wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be and there were a ton of totally awesome mtf-spectrum folks there. *waves at Cedar, Veronica, and everyone else*
There was also a lot of work on becoming better about class, race, disabilities, etc. It was sort of interesting because along with the folks who were in college and/or were rich enough to take a week long vacation, there were a lot of up who just didn't have a steady job or school who were able to come because we got rides or whatnot.
There weren't that many POC, but CT is working on trying to both be a more supportive and anti-racist place as well as reaching out to trans* people of color.
CT is also becoming pretty good about people with disabilities. We had an accessible porta poty this year. As well as folks who signed up to help with stuff like putting up/taking down tents for those who need help, carrying gear, etc. They also have a generator for things like power chairs.
There was also a great medic tent that anyone could go to. They had an herbalist, EMTs, and even a doctor for a bit. They did everything from advising about alternative treatments for long term things to removing ticks to giving folks their hormone shots.
There were also Advocates at most workshops and there was always at least one on duty and sober. They acted as amateur counselors, drama mediators, shoulder to cry on, etc.
I need an advocate now I think, I'm having a hard time writing this post because I want so badly to be back.
The workshops I went to were great. We had all kinds of workshops; serious ones like Accountability, fun ones like Ropes Bondage and Trans* bodies, identity-based ones like Genderqueer Caucus, and all sorts of others.
I attended one informative one about trans* and queer identities and science. An awesome festie ran it, she's a biologist and had all sorts of info and studies that apparently prove that queer, intersex, and trans* identities (at least regarding subconscious sex, gender isn't so concretely proven) are natural (I'm not a scientist and I didn't get a chance to read them through, so I can't say if they do prove anything). We exchanged emails and she got my url, so maybe she'll show up to comment sometime. It was amusing, when I mentioned my "how I experience trans*ism" post she seemed really interested in reading it. I guess my phantom limb syndrome really makes sense in her theory (something to do with the lymph system or something, I can't remember)[ETA: In comments she said it was the ancient mammalian limbic system of the brain, not the lymph system--I is SMRT].
The food was also really, really good. I need to get a hold of the vegan garlic potato soup we had for myself and I think my mom would like the vegan borst (though I'm not a fan of cooked carrots or beets, it was good).
Helping in the kitchen was a lot of fun. The kitchen princess (she's in charge of the kitchen and cooking) was really cool and workshifts were a useful and fun way to get to know more folks.
And you got extra helpings and/or treats for helping in the kitchen (cooking or dishes).
I don't remember how much I've talked about my depression or my current situation here in public, but I think CT will be the goal that gets me through. Not only do I have to goal to get to CT next year, but I hope to be in a place where I can work on various issues at CT.
Like I think that once I've started T, camp will be the perfect place to work on my nudity issues (CT is a very body-accepting place, but I just won't be able to work on certain body issues until I get on T). And I think that if I don't take on too much and keep my eyes on next August I could get through a school year okay, which means that I would have access to health care, which means I could go to an endo and get some vitamin T. I am waiting on my bf to see about possibly living somewhere outside of MI with him, but I think I will be able to deal if I do have to live in MI for a bit. Before I couldn't have dealt with that.
Even this year at CT, with all the problems I have currently, I was able to work on my confidence some while I was there, just by being there with such great people.
In less than a week I feel like I've healed and grown so much thanks to the wonderful folks I met there and the wonderful folks who put CT together these past few years.
And if anyone has any questions about CT feel free to ask. I'll answer what I can. ^.^
PS: CT friends should feel free to comment here or on my LJ (friend me to, I still read my friends page) at any time, I miss you all already. ^.^
ETA: [Removed because I'm not giving them energy]
ETA2: *waves to festies*
Hey, I hope you like my blog; theres a bunch of trans* 101 links to the side if you are interested. My friends who went to fest said it was a lot of fun! I'm glad you all have fun, personally. And I do support women-only space; I just support women-only space that includes all women.
CT was amazing and free (in more ways than one), maybe I'll see you all next year!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Perception
Everyone wants me to be something.
They all have some view of who or what I am or should be.
How I should act. Why I am who I am.
Most don't believe me when I say I know who and what I am.
They tell me I'm wrong, that I'm really w, x, y and not Me.
Many folks tell me they know why I am who I am.
I don't really know the whys, yet I can tell that theirs aren't true and are harmful to many.
My dad just thinks what I am is a phase. I suppose that's true. After all, when I die I won't be a man anymore but a spirit instead and who knows about my next life--I could be anything.
I don't think that's what he means though.
My mom thinks it's her fault; that she did something wrong to make me a man.
I don't see why it's so bad, so wrong, to be a man, to be transsexual.
My friends don't see anything wrong with me. They don't try to figure out why I'm a man anymore than they try to figure out why any of our other friends are men or women. They might think about what made them who they are, but it's different to look at yourself.
My cis*male boyfriend just sees the man he's in love with; I'm just shaped a bit differently than he is.
The religious riech tells me I'm a pervert, confused, and disordered. That I need to be made into a submissive, straight, Christian woman.
mAndrea, KA, Thebewilderness, Janice Raymond, and others like them think I'm a pervert, a traitor, disordered, or deceiving myself. That I need to make myself into an andro or masculine political lesbian,
But when I look at myself, I see a man, a geeky man. A man who is pretty sure of who he is, growing surer all the time, and trying to find his place in the world.
I see a guy who happens to mostly like other men, who likes weaving, reading, and making jewelry.
A man who likes feeling the Earth and hir energy; who will go outside when it's storming to feel the wind against his face.
A man who is in love with a great guy who is in love with him back.
I see a man who often feels invisible and misplaced in the world, but who is slowly learning to speak out and carve a place for himself.
And looking at me are the men I might become. The better men are coming closer all the time and the lesser men are fading from view.
I won't bow out and hide myself away again. I won't bow to the pressure of others and become a shadow of a man pretending to be a girl.
I won't listen when they say they know who I am and who I should be. I will ignore or laugh and ridicule those who presume to speak for me without listening.
I don't care why I am who I am; but I will tell you when your theories are wrong or harmful.
I will be supported by my boyfriend and friends and loved ones I have yet to meet; they see the man I am and the men I might be. I will follow my heart and soul and mind to where I should be.
Being myself and speaking my truths, no matter how they harm your theories, will do more for the universe and it's peoples than fading away and letting the minds and needs of others control me.
Monday, June 16, 2008
But What Does it Mean?
I have a few posts in the works, no idea how long they'll take though--I'm rather unfocused right now.
One on monsters and the monstrous, another on Sylvia Rivera, on my childhood, as well as a few links/posts I might discuss.
For now, in a transgender forum someone asked what we mean when we say "we feel like [our gender]", how do we know we're that gender. (And sie asked for book recommendations)
Me: I've always felt like I should have male-assigned equipment instead of female, so I started out just wanting to change that. I didn't know if I was a man or a boi or genderqueer.
As I began changing my wardrobe to more male-assigned clothes, getting shorter haircuts, etc. I was gendered male more and more often and it felt right. Eventually, after a while I just felt male no matter that I still haven't started to medically transition. Eventually I just started to identify as a man; and it felt right.
Being gendered and seen as male just feels good and comfortable; being gendered female never did.
And along with Whipping Girl, I recommend The Riddle of Gender and The History of How Sex Changed.
Here's my answer, what's yours?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
whats with all the memes I'm doing?
Ryan's starting a gender pride meme, and who am I not to play? ^.^
"You know how the feminists run that “Whats your most attractive feature, and you aren’t allowed to say ‘my X, but OMG this other body part is really ugly?’” Meme?
Well, I want to start a Gender Pride Meme along similar lines. I want to know what people’s favourite thing about being gender diverse is. You aren’t allowed to worry about sounding arrogant, and you aren’t allowed to talk about any negative aspects of gender diversity (after all, we talk those things to death, imo). You don’t have to be trans… this is open to people that are queer, or in any way transgress gender norms."
Obviously, everything here is my experiences and, since no one else has the same experiences, I don't expect all trans*/gender diverse folks to feel, learn, and respond to the same things as me
I like how being and accepting myself as trans* has made me so very aware of my body. How I am learning first hand that my body is both incredibly important to who I am and incredibly unimportant. I am learning to truly live and appreciate my body while knowing that it isn't all of me.
I'm walking the line between many extremes and/or switching between; and I like that.
Despite the hassle, I love falling between the lines and being a walking contradiction. It's who and what I am; coming out to myself about being trans* has helped me come out to myself about this too.
(To clarify, I don't fall between the lines of male/female or man/woman; I'm not "best of both worlds". I'm talking about other things than these sorts of ungendering cliches.)
I know myself better than most people my age; better than many people ever know themselves I'd even say. I credit my experiences surrounding being transsexual for this.
I love how I've responded to being trans*.
Working, though slowly sometimes, towards understanding and accepting others. Who knows, if I wasn't trans* I could have ended up very overtly racist like my grandmother and uncle (grandma said I shouldn't spend so much time with my "colored friends" because that was probably scaring white kids away. Uncle says how n*****s are dirtying his neighborhood).
Being trans* and queer and a fem/andro guy has opened my eyes to oppression and activism that I never would have thought had I grown up a white cis*guy.
Growing up assigned-female allowed me to explore gender expressions I would never have been allowed near if I'd been assigned male. I was able to play with legos and dolls, hammers and princess dresses, science kits and EZ bake ovens.
I was given and loved all of them in childhood, and this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't a trans* guy.
I can't explain all of it, but I know I've learned so much in this life from being transsexual. I don't know yet if I'd do it again, but I know I don't regret it.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
There is a continuum ya know
So, I'm thinking of a few posts I have in the works (and as I write this intro I'm still not sure which this post will turn out to be); one on my childhood[trannyhood], women-only space and "WBW"-only space, or one about me my genitals and sex. Being in my childhood home, filled with memories, I don't feel like crying (no I wasn't abused or anything. It's just that I really, really miss my cat, my best friend for over a decade, and this house is filled with memories of her).
Or, as seems to be popular, write about my thoughts on WBW and women-only space. Not only do I find that topic to be becoming somewhat boring, but I also feel...odd commenting on the validity of women-only space as I am a man. Perhaps, when I've thought more about it, I will write on being a man in women-only space (while my school itself was co-ed, the dorms and certain classes were single-sex) and how gorram uncomfortable it was.
So, since I miss my boyfriend (and sex), I'll write about sex.
Ok, fooled ya, I'll write about my relationship with my body as well as give an unsexy and probably somewhat clinical overview of how the romantic and sexual relationship with my BF have progressed. I've been reading the comments on certain posts over at Bilerico and I am somewhat amused by how guys like me went from a HBS/transsexual man to "woman with a fetish" due to a single act.
Plus, it gives me a chance to brag about how much I like most of my body; despite having confidence problems in some areas, I am still quite vain (I am a Slytherin after all). ^.^
Moreover, I recently found the text of Eli Clare's speech given at the Philly Trans* health conference and it is so amazing.
Looking at shame and body shame; specifically within trans* and disability contexts:
“This obsession with cure turns disabled bodies into medical problems to be solved. In doing so, it ignores disability as an issue of social justice. Ignores that many disabled people would rather put an end to ableism than have our bodies “fixed.” Of course this gets complicated when I turn back to trans community, to those of us who seek to reshape our gendered and sexed bodies. But really it’s not our desire or need for bodily change that I’m challenging here. Rather, it’s how we name those desires and needs, because to claim our bodies as defective and to pair defect with cure, not only disregards the experiences of many disabled people, it also leaves us as trans people wide open to shame...Of course there’s another important strand of naming at work in our communities—a strand that declares transness not a disease, gender nonconformity not a pathology, and bodily uniqueness not an illness, a strand that turns the word dysphoria inside out, claiming that we are not the ones dysphoric about our genders, but rather dysphoria lives in the world’s response to us. This naming acts as a necessary counterbalance. But I have to ask: what about those of us who do in truth deal with deep, persistent body disonnance, discomfort, dysphoria? A social justice politics by itself will never be enough to resist shame. ”
I see my transsexuality as a medical condition (not defect) and medical transition as a way of treating my body dissonance. But I still agree with Eli, being trans* (or disabled) does not make us defective, it is society and how society sees and treats us that is defective. Yes, both groups may need treatment, but we don't need to be disappeared or 'cured' into normalcy. As I re-state later, we also have the right to refuse treatment or to choose an alternate treatment to the mainstream options.
Okay, back to me and my body; I just wanted to give a shout out to that fantastic speech.
My relationship with my body is rather complicated to say the least.
I am quite happy with most of my body. While my hair does not always cooperate, I find it to be pleasing to the sight and touch--especially when I can dye it green. My face is attractive enough I suppose, I wish my lips weren't quite so pink though--makes me look like I'm wearing pink lipstick and I look too much like a girl if I cover them with black or deep brown instead...
I am quite fond of my legs, nicely shaped imo and with a decent amount of hair. While I wish I was taller, it's not a major issue .
My arms, despite being thin, are actually quite "masculine" being as they are quite hairy and have visible veins. They are actually one of my favorite body parts, not just because of how they help me pass as a cis*guy, but their overall look, shape and texture and whatnot, is quite pleasing to my eyes--I love the almost blue cast my veins give my arms.
I have some problems with my torso and hip areas though.
I always have bruises on my hips; while they are still relatively narrow, I still forget how wide they are and I bump into walls and tables.
I have a great deal of dissonance regarding my chest; I'll go to take off my shirt and, sometimes, I will be honestly surprised that I have gynecomastia (breast growth on men).
Luckily for me, it isn't a very bad case, a sports bra and a bit of layering is enough to hide it most of the time. But...my group of friends enjoys having "shirtless o' clock" and I enjoy being nude when it's just my BF and I. Moreover, it is incredibly uncomfortable wearing four layers in 80 degree weather. I want it gone, not just hidden.
There are times, like now actually, when I only take a shower every other day just so that I don't have to confront the dissonance.
I pray to the Gods that when I eventually start hormones there will be enough fat redistribution to take care of it. I don't want to put myself at the mercy of hospitals and doctors and hospital staff and insurance companies more than I have to. I've heard too many stories, even just from friends and family, about uncaring nurses, insurance bureaucracy, transphobic staff, and the like. Not to forget that I hate the idea of being helpless and unconscious as some strangers cut me open; if I can I will most definitely have a friend watch over the surgery to make sure nothing happens. And a night at a hospital scares me; what if I get a nurse like the one my mom had after her heart surgery--one who refused to come to help and who left my mom's ESL roommate in pain because she couldn't be bothered to show her where or how the "morphine button" worked. And this is 'just' about top-surgery, How will I feel about genital surgery? Though, for anyone not aware, top-surgery is often deemed more important than any genital surgery by many transgender and transsexual guys (according to what I've seen over the years in various ftm communities).
Ahh... now for the uncomfortable part: my genitals.
Truth be told, I used to hate them.
Growing up and even into adolescence, I would 'hold it' for as long as I could before going to the bathroom--I couldn't stand to sit. Later, when I first attempted to masturbate I disassociated myself entirely and found no enjoyment.
And even later, when my BF and I were first starting to go beyond kissing, I told him to ignore and pretend like I didn't have a vagina at all; and that I wasn't sure about the rest of the area, but he wouldn't be the only one getting any fun.
Eventually, we started to do more than kiss. Eventually, we found things that didn't set off my dissonance too badly that were still fun for the both of us. And, eventually, I came to trust that he sees me as a guy no matter what. No matter that my chest wasn't flat when unclothed, no matter that I didn't have a typical cock, no matter that I have an extra hole.
So, after much thinking and me having to convince him that I actually wanted to, we tried PIV.
And I found that it wasn't so bad--that as long as he still saw me as a man I was usually able to ignore the dissonance.
And surprisingly, I found that when I was feeling bad about being trans*, when I wasn't passing, when I felt like it would be better to just hit the reset button on this life...that having my most important person be made acutely aware of how my body is not male-assigned and yet still having him see me as 100% man was enough to get me through (the orgasms afterwards helped too of course).
It's not a fetish. I still can't masturbate and I'm sure that it'll take a lot of time to develop this level of trust in my future relationships.
It's validation from my most important person; the feeling of love and trust mixed with the knowledge that no matter what I am a man...it isn't sexual for me--it's something else entirely--English doesn't have the words to describe how it feels for me.
As for the penis (and lack of a vag') making the man... Well, in my case I'd really like a peen, my map says I should have one and there is no way I can describe how much it hurts to have my body not match my map that badly. Hopefully hormones, when I eventually go on them (no insurance and it's bloody hard to find anywhere that'll sell T without a script), will make my dick grow enough to lessen the discord to a manageable level... But I'm pretty sure I'll keep the vag'; I've grown to like it, the dissonance surrounding it is manageable, and PIV is way easier than anal (and I am so very lazy).
So anyone, be they HBS or Christian or feminist or have letters after their name, wants to tell me that learning to cope with a vag' makes me less of a man...well they can go fuck themselves with rusty railroad spikes.
Not respecting trans* identities because that person is not as disphoric as you think they need to be is cissexism; it's just as cissexist as not respecting trans* identities period.
My body is my own; I will change what I believe will lessen the most dissonance, keep what I can learn to live with or even cherish, and leave the parts that were never a problem alone.
And I do want genital surgery, but this doesn't make me more of a man than a guy who has been able to deal with, or never had, the same level of dissonance about his genitals (same idea for women btw).
I don't think every trans*person can, or should, attempt to live their life without surgery/hormones. Some people just don't have the same levels of dissonance, some people are able to work through it without hormones and/or surgery. But I also don't think that medical transition, or surgery, should be requirements for being a transsexual or for legal transition.
I won't live my life without medical transition; if I am prevented for too long I know that I'll eventually kill myself. The dissonance is that great; and learning to live with my body-as-is is merely a stopgap measure to help me deal until I can medically transition. But this also means that I can see how a trans*person with less dissonance can work through their dissonance enough to live without medical transition. Remember, some people can pass without any medical transition. And some people don't care as much about passing as a cis*person as long as their loved ones see them as who they are.
I can also see that some people need medical transition ASAP and that hormones and surgery mean a lot to them. Sometimes, it must seem like some transgender folks are saying that anyone can or should live without medical transition (and there are some folks that do believe that); that medical transition isn't important.
And some of these folks think that all trans*/transgender folks think that no one should have them.
And while I can see it from their point of view...they need to stop and learn that even if someone doesn't need surgery that doesn't mean that they necessarily believe that no one needs surgery.
Furthermore, just as important, that one's medical decisions do not change their identity and nor do they define their identity. People have the right to seek alternate treatments and moreover I do not know of any medical condition that is diagnosed by the treatments one chooses to use.
I don't know where my transition will take me. I won't let others tell me what i have to do to be respected or a valid man. I won't let anyone tell other folks what they must do to be respected or a valid person either. Everyone is different and should be respected.
Nature abhors rigid categories; humans are the ones that create and define rigid categories, not Her.
“Although I doubt there is one complete passage between shame and pride, there are many tunnels through the thicket, and on the other side lives an openness that lets us slide into our bodies and makes space for persistent joy and comfort. Body love can wake us up in the morning, put us to bed at night, visit us as we’re dressing to go out or just singing along to our favorite song. These moments don’t usually arrive as big, as loud, as brash, as a Pride parade. They just show up one day in the mirror or the camera, not that we’ve passively waited for them. No, we’re all too aware of how hard we’ve worked for them, but still they arrive unexpected. Sometimes in community or with a single friend. Sometimes with the encouragement of families and partners, or in collaboration with health care providers and therapists. Sometimes they arrive as we’re rabblerousing in the streets or when we’re stuffing envelopes for the next fundraiser. They arrive as we tromp through the woods or walk down the street or dance up a storm on Friday night.
However those moments arrive, let’s build community that nurtures them. Let’s figure out ways of naming bodily difference that fosters comfort and joy. Let’s build a politics that holds space, safety, options, and shuts no one out. Let’s pay attention to shame as both a community issue and a health issue. Let’s create the space to make our bodies home, filling our skin to its very edges.”--Eli Clare
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Back then I didn't know why
This is a bit late, but I wasn't able to write much right before/on Mother's Day because I didn't have a place to stay for the summer until yesterday. I've kept quiet about it for various reasons... But if you look at my bio on the right, you'll see that I say I live with my boyfriend. Until he moved out of his dorm yesterday, I lived with him unofficially because in a fit of major depression last summer I dropped out of college (yeah, I'm trying to get back in--I don't need more lectures on this).
How does this relate to Mother's Day?
Well, I suppose this is better fit for LJ than a blog, but meh.
I have...a very complicated view of and relationship with my mom.
Growing up, Mom says I was close to her and told her everything; but that's not right according to my memories and she has a tendency to cast history to her advantage so I'm not sure how true this is.
I remember picking black raspberries (not to be confused with those nasty blackberries) and making pies and jam and shortcake with my mom, sister, and grandma.
I also remember feeling betrayed when Mom disproved of my few friends because they were a "bad influence" (they were poor and/or had parents that weren't very responsible).
I know Mom loves me, but I also know she treated my sister and me very differently and one of the reasons my sister and I had such a bad relationship growing up was because we both saw the other one as the Favorite.
Now, I realize that we were treated so differently because of how different we were/are and because there is a four year difference.
But at the time, all I saw was how Becky (name changed) was catered to; how I was punished far more drastically and frequently than she was. All Becky saw was that I had far more privileges; how she was seen as less intelligent.
We fought about everything all the time; more than one (one? try a dozen) family outings were ruined by our fights.
Looking back, I see how it must have hurt and frustrated my mom to be in the middle of this day in and day out.
She was the youngest of three and the only girl.
She so wanted a sister growing up; I was constantly told how I should cherish my sister because brothers are worse.
Her parent's obvious favorite, even now, is the middle child--the brother that picked on her the most.
I look very much like my dad while my sister is the spitting image of my mom.
I've always wondered if she saw her brother and her in me and my sister's fights.
After four years of being away at boarding school, my sister and I are on far better terms; she was the first family member I came out to and her response was basically "I don't get it, but you're still my sibling". Becky is the one that calls me her brother (yet still uses feminine pronouns which is interesting sounding).
So now I get to the part about me being transsexual and how this relates to my relationship with my parents.
Given that parents are often blamed for their kid "turning out" gay or trans*, this isn't a topic I can just ignore.
I am not gay or trans* because of anything my parents did or didn't do; my relationships with them has been complicated and informed by me being transsexual, but thats quite different.
I don't know all the reasons why, being transsexual is one reason why, but I was very distant from my family as a middle-schooler and later even now.
Middle school is when my depression first started to raise it's head.
Not only was puberty going in an unexpected way (yeah, I was one of those trans*kids in such denial that I hoped that I'd magically get the correct puberty), but I was being bullied for being so smart.
Yeah, not because I was smart for a girl or anything, no--because I was acing the advanced classes without breaking a sweat.
In history I vied for top spot with a girl who studied her ass off while I read the textbook, multiple times, cover to cover for fun. She payed attention and took notes while I, bored of the textbook, read Xanth or Valdemar; the teacher didn't care since he could ask me a question,and while he may need to repeat it after he finally got my attention, I could answer in detail without a problem.
For this, I was shunned, called names, talked about, etc.
In middle school I loved the environment, wolves especially, and had a lot of t-shirts and books about wolves and werewolves. I did want to be a wolf; their power and close pack structure awed me.
Yet, having the kids ask me, the shy trans*kid that grew up being laughed at for my speech impediment (now outgrown), embarrassing questions like "do you really think you're a wolf?" just to get a blush and a stammer out of me...it really made me hate school and humanity in general. The teasing never really turned physical, but I did face a lot of verbal teasing and was shunned a lot ("you have such good ideas, why don't you work alone").
My parents, Mom especially, did what they could for the bullying.
Of course it didn't help; of course it made things worse.
Telling me to just ignore it? Telling me to trust the girls that were nice to me even once when I was already used to their betrayal?
Was one reason I stopped believing in my mom and dad.
Looking back, I also realize that this was when I first started to resent my mom and dad; I resent(ed) them for not seeing I was a boy, I think I even blamed them for me not being cissexual.
Even now, a part of me still resents them for it.
And another part resents them for all the little words and actions that delayed my coming out.
And I still have the notion that they should have known--they should have seen that I wasn't a girl.
I was a introverted kid, but a not-so-rational part of me still feels like they should have guessed.
Of course, as a teen, my mom did guess--sort of. She outright asked me a few times if I thought I was a boy or if I didn't want to be a girl. But by then, I remembered her random lectures about how being gay was against God's plan and how witches went to hell for worshiping the devil (I talked about reincarnation even as a little kid and I asked for tarot cards the week of that lecture). I remembered reading about Zach and how his parents sent him to a torture camp; and he was only gay--what would they do to me for being both gay and trans*?
So I lied through omission. I told her I didn't want to be a boy (not that I already was one) and I told her there was nothing wrong with being a girl (and not that I wasn't one).
I tried femininity out, to placate her, and found I liked parts of it. I found that eyeliner is hott and skirts can be comfy (at least, the swishy ones that reach my ankles are).
We bonded over how hot Johnny Depp is.
And then I turned 18 my senior year and decided that I wouldn't tell them until I knew I wouldn't be trapped in MI.
So, during spring break at college I emailed them both my coming out letter and called them, saying there was something important that I had only felt comfortable expressing in text.
Neither disowned me, but both are in their own form of denial.
Dad's is outright, "you are my daughter and you can never be a boy."
Mom's is more subtle (she's done this for a lot of things, so I know the signs), "I'll play 'good cop', but you'll grow out of this phase after a bit."
Despite planning and expecting worse, this complete erasure of who I am and what I told them (so much that I'd have to explain every time I mentioned wanting to change my name or be called by my nickname), I slipped into a really deep depression and basically stopped going to classes and fell asleep in the ones I did attend.
I couldn't study for tests or exams.
After spending a summer, practically alone (the few friends in the same state are an hour+ drive away), yet still shoved back into the closet after a year of being free...when I got the news that I lost my scholarship...I withdrew.
I asked my boyfriend if I could live with him in the dorms and my friend R said I could stay at his house in the days between my flight and my Luv moving into the dorms.
A few days later, I told my parents and I came out to them regarding my depression and their part in causing/triggering it.
Yes, I do feel they share some of the blame for how I reacted and what I did; though I realize that those actions are still mainly my responsibility.
I barely got them to agree to me coming back to NY, but I knew I'd kill myself if I stayed trapped in MI.
This year, despite a promise to call every week, I've called maybe a dozen times.
I get shaky and panicky just thinking about calling.
Guess where the only place I could stay this summer is?
Now guess how I feel knowing this; especially since my Luv, for unrelated-to-me reasons, is dropping out too. I do have a plan, I'm applying to colleges near Philly and will move in with a couple of friends later this summer (July or August), but who knows if this will be enough. Who knows if I'll get too trapped and try to find a quicker way out.
I know I need to reconcile with my parents, but I don't think I can right now.
They're both from families that don't believe in not caring for their own, so rationally speaking, I shouldn't need to worry about getting thrown out.
I still have to worry about getting caged though.
But how can I live with or truly love people who don't see ME?
How can my mom say she loves me unconditionally when she can't even call me by an androgynous nickname?
I'll never be a parent--by choice--so I can't know what it's like, but saying I love you to her sounds lie a sham when I can't even expect a name that doesn't hurt.
I don't know how I will resolve this. I'll make a rough plan and improvise.
My friends know how I am when I'm there; I've told them not to let me isolate myself further while I'm there. Though its not their responsibility, I don't think they'll let me down.
Who knows, maybe I'll find a miracle and and reconcile with my parents, come out to the rest of my family, and win the megamillion lotto.
**The title is from the Spice Girl's Mama, which my mom loved and I hated when I was a SG fan way back when.
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had
Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Definitions and Explanations
So I was planning on doing this whole dictionary-style post because I don't always use the general definition for certain words and I use some words that aren't really all that common. But...I started that post and it was boring me to tears so I downloaded the free trial to WOW... Trans* - An umbrella term for transgender, transsexual, transfemale, ftm-spectrum, etc. people. Transgender - I sort of have three different definitions here: Note on intersection of these terms: I think it is quite possible to be cissexual and trans*; I'm specifically thinking of genderqueer people who feel no body dissonance, but I'm sure there are other possibilities. With how some people define it, some people can be both cisgender and trans*--as I noted under cisgender. And just how crossdressers' identities fit into them I do not know (I don't know much about crossdressing as an identity; I like wearing skirts every so often, but it has nothing to do with my gender or anything). Assigned sex - The sex you were assigned at birth (and generally raised as). Passing - To pass as a cissexual person of your gender. So when I say I pass I mean that I pass as a cissexual man/boy. Many people are starting to talk about how this word is somewhat cis*-centric, see gendered/misgendered/ungendered. Slurs: (Some are reclaimed, some are not, and some are in the process of being reclaimed; it's best not to use these terms negatively or at all if you are not a member of that group) Dyke – From what I can tell as an outsider, this seems to be mostly reclaimed and has a lot of positive and/or neutral meanings and is even many folks' identity. Its usually used as an identity for queer women/females (but some ftm-spectrum folks also use it). Fag/got – Originally meant firewood, they also mean gay men. Many queer men have reclaimed them, such as myself, others see them as a slur. Hermaphrodite – While there is some mythological history, this term was also used for intersex folks. Most intersex folk see it as a slur and a few others have reclaimed it. Shemale – Usually used in porn for a “chick with a dick”; someone who is portrayed as a pre- or non-operative trans*woman though the actress may actually be a cis*woman with a prosthetic/strap-on. Tranny – Somewhat reclaimed, though many trans*folk, like me, raise their hackles when cis*folk use it. It was also used primarily for trans* women, so it is incorrect for trans* guys to attempt to reclaim it (something I was guilty of). Tranny-chaser – Someone who fetishizes and/or objectifies trans*folk. Originally, it meant cis*men who used trans*women as a way to satisfy their needs/urges for anal and/or queer sex. Now, most folks who use it realize that trans*men can be the focus of tranny-chasers and that cis*women can be tranny-chasers.
ETA: Here is a decent list of definitions for terms often used in progressive, liberal, etc. comms (like how racism=prejudice+power).
I think this will be more of a 'constantly edited as things come up' type of definitions post instead of one long post on every word in the world.
I'm hoping this will be helpful to some folk and maybe it'll give folks something to think about.
If you have any words you want me to add, any questions about my definitions, if you disagree with something, or whatever just comment!
(ETA: I grouped these into categories as neither alphabetical nor the original order would work very well. I also added a 'slur' section.)
Identities:
I prefer to use the asterisk because there are so many possible variations on labels and identities. For instance, a person who identifies as a transman and a person who identifies as a trans man are not necessarily using the same identity. The trans man may see himself as a man who happens to have a trans* history; while the transman may identify as a transman and not just/only a man. But then again, they may not make this particular distinction or what they mean could be entirely different. Personally, I like Cedar's post on this.
Trans*ism - An umbrella term for all types of the things that make us trans*--transsexuality, transgender, bigender, genderqueer, etc.
Transsexual - Someone whose subconscious sex and assigned sex are not aligned.
While many people only include those who are post-surgery/hormones or at least those who desire surgery/hormones, I do not. Not all transsexuals have the same level of body dissonance or need the same things to cope with it.
Some people also think a person has to identify with a binary gender identity to be transsexual, I do not. So, I think it is possible to be both transsexual and genderqueer.
Genderqueer - An umbrella term for those whose gender identity falls outside or between the binary.
Also, an identity where the specifics are usually defined differently by each individual.
There are genderqueer people whose gender is Butch, genderqueer female, Androgyne, bigender, boi, etc (though not all who hold those identities also identify as genderqueer).
1)An umbrella term for all non-cissexual and/or gender variant and/or some crossdressing folks. 2) A political coalition of those groups.
3) An identity; the exact definition is generally unique to each person, but generally transgender folks don't define themselves as only men or women though they may define themselves mostly as men or women.
Cis* - Someone whose subconscious sex and assigned sex do not conflict; moreover, their basic gender (not gender roles, sexual/romantic orientation, etc) and the gender usually assigned to that sex also do not conflict. So someone who is assigned female/woman and identifies as female/woman is cissexual (gender/sex roles, masculinity/femininity, misogyny, sexual orientation, etc do not play any part in whether you are cis* or not).
"Identifies as" doesn't have to be active or conscious; in fact, with cis*folk it rarely is. So someone who defines themself as, "a female who rejects how females are expected to be and behave under patriarchy, and who loves her femaleness and that of other females" (for instance) is still cis*.
Cissexual - Someone who isn't transsexual.
Someone whose subconscious sex and assigned sex do not conflict. So someone who is assigned female and identifies as female is cissexual (gender/sex roles, masculinity/femininity, misogyny, sexual orientation, etc do not play any part in whether you are cissexual or not).
Cisgender - My definition of this is still in flux somewhat. Some people use this to mean anyone who isn't trans*; I think that is too simplistic. Other people use it to mean a binary gender identified person whose gender identity doesn't conflict with the gender people usually read them as (so a post-transition, man or woman identified transsexual could be cisgender as well as any cis* person); I'm not sure I like that definition.
So I'm currently defining cisgender as someone whose assigned gender doesn't conflict with their gender identity.
Some trans*folk consider one or more forms of trans*ism to be intersex conditions, but as this has not been proven, I do not consider trans*ism to be an intersex condition.
Some trans*folk are also intersexed and both groups sometimes share some experiences, but intersex folk generally face things that trans* folk generally don't--like finding out doctors surgically altered your infant genitals without even your parents' knowledge. See Eminism for more.
Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) - One theory as to why some people are transsexual. Basically, this proposal states that transsexual/HBS people are intersexed because there are physical differences in male and female brains and that transsexual/HBS folk's brains align with the sex that they identify with and not their assigned sex. There have been a few studies done, but they have been small sample sizes and some have been contradictory or inconclusive.
Unfortunately, the most vocal supporters of this theory tend to be heterosexist and cissexist as well as vehemently anti-genderqueer, anti-crossdressing, etc. (Although not all are, as I have come to realize). Though HBS as a theory shows some promise, it will have to gain better scientific backing and lose the hateful and exclusionary taint before many will support it (and as of right now, I do not believe that any recognized/credited scientific group supports or recognizes the proposal).
"Wom*n-born-wom*n" - A cis*woman.
Some feminists, most notably those of the Michigan Women's Music Festival, often use this phrase to exclude trans* women from women's spaces. Many trans* people find its use very offensive because of this.
Queer - An umbrella term for non-straight folks (though sometimes heterosexual folks into BDSM define themselves as queer). Moreover, it's an identity for those of us that don't feel comfortable with lesbian/bi/gay; as per the pattern here, this identity is also generally defined differently for each person.
Personally, I use it to mean that while I am mostly interested in other men, I like people that fall outside the binary, women every so often, and I tend to be 'geek-sexual'. I use queer to differentiate myself from "straight acting", assimilationist, HRC-type LGB people.
Terms:
Biological sex - The sex you are biologically. As this depends on chromosomes, primary sex characteristics, hormone levels, neural-map (imo), and other characteristics, it can therefore be very difficult to say with any certainty.
I happen to define my biological sex as transsexual male, so it is best not to assume a person's bio sex.
Perceived sex/gender – What sex/gender others generally assume you are.
Subconscious sex - What physical sex you instinctively feel your body should be.
Gender identity - The gender you identify as. This may or may not have anything to do with masculinity/femininity or subconscious sex.
Gender expression – How you express gendered behaviour; generally how masculine/feminine you are. Although some folks include other labels, such as geek or butch or androgyne, under this heading. I happen to see my gender expression as "glam geek" or "geeky glam" (depending on how I feel right then).
Gender/sex roles – How society expects you to act and what it believes you must do based on your gender/sex.
Body dissonance – The inherent wrongness many trans* people feel when our body does not match our subconscious sex. What exactly it feels like is different for everyone—my experience is linked in the sidebar.
Transition - There are at least four different types.
Medical (any medical steps a person goes through), cosmetic (haircuts, new clothes, etc), social (coming out and living as your gender), and legal (changing documents and names).
I don't believe that any sort of transition is a requirement to identify as anything. A pre-everything trans*woman who is just coming out on an internet forum is just as much a woman as the deep stealth, post-everything HBS woman. The former woman just isn't yet recognized as a woman. Yeah, they both have different experiences--that doesn't change who they are inside; they are all women's experiences.
Harry Benjamin Standards of Care - The guidelines doctors and therapists have drawn up to treat trans*folk. There have been several variations over the years.
Old versions included physical appearance (thinly disguised "would the doctor fuck that or not?"), conforming to strict gender roles, being straight, being wealthy, etc.
In some medical journals, trans*folk who went public with their transition were described as “sociopathic” (according to Whipping Girl.
Here's the current version-now known as WPATH-SoC (thanks Jay).
Brain-sex theory (HBS is one specific brain-sex theory)– A theory of one possible cause of transsexuality where the hormone baths in the uterus cause the brain to develop a neural-map that does not match the physical attributes of the body.
A neural-map is the map your brain may or may not have (I personally doubt that this map is universal in detail and strength) of the major attributes.
Obviously, more studies need to be done before anything can be confirmed. It's also likely that different types of trans*ism have different causes.
Personally, I rather like this theory as it describes my experiences perfectly.
Misgendered - To be assumed to be the wrong gender. So when someone calls me by female pronouns, they are misgendering me.
Correctly gendered - When someone correctly sees your gender. So when someone includes me wit other men, they have correctly gendered me.
Ungendered - "An attempt to undo a trans person’s gender by privileging incongruities and discrepancies in their gendered appearance that would normally be overlooked or dismissed if they were presumed to be cissexual." This can be done either by considering us "really" a man or a woman or by third-gendering man/woman-identified trans* folk.
Ft*-spectrum (usually seen as ftm-) - All trans* people who were assigned female at birth. This is a very general term that includes men with a trans* history, bois, female-assigned genderqueers, etc.
Some people use trans*masculine, but I find that to be offensive to non-masculine trans* guys and masculine trans* women.
Mt*-spectrum (usually seen as mtf-) - All trans* people who were male-assigned at birth. This includes women with trans* histories, male-assigned genderqueers, transwomen, etc.
Some people use trans*feminine, but like I said above, I find that to be offensive and incorrect.
Stealth - Living as your gender without telling folks you are trans*. There are a lot of different levels and subtypes; the most drastic being 'deep stealth'--what used to be required/recommended by the Standards of Care-- cutting off all contact with everyone who knew you by your assigned sex (even parents) and moving to a new city and a new job.
While I do wish it were safe for everyone to be out and I also wish we had more role models and people to educate the masses, I do not believe that being stealth is cowardly or wrong.
Privilege - I happen to think that there are two subtypes of privilege; external and internal. External is based on how others perceive and act towards you. Internal is how you perceive yourself and how you internalize the messages sent to you.
So External Privilege is getting accepted into college because your name sounds "American". Internal Privilege is believing that you are better or prettier than people with poor people or those with wider noses.
Cedar/Hazel has some thoughts on this too.
*anyprivilegedgroup*-centric - Focusing on the privileged group and ignoring/erasing any and all oppressed groups. For instance, talking about love and relationships as if everyone is straight is heterocentric.
Cissexist - Privileging or seeing cissexual experiences and cissexuals as better than anyone else. Heterosexism is the same, just replace cissexual with heterosexual.
Or, I'll just post Julia Serano's definition:
"The belief that transsexual genders are less legitimate than, and mere imitations of, cissexual genders.
Cissexism is most typically enacted through one or more of the following processes: trans-fascimilation (viewing or portraying transsexuals as merely imitating, emulating or impersonating cissexual female or male genders), trans-exclusion (refusing to acknowledge and respect a transsexual’s identified gender, or denying them, access to spaces, organizations, or events designated for that gender), trans-objectification (when people reduce trans people to their body parts, the medical procedures they’ve undertaken, or get hung up on, disturbed by, or obsessed over supposed discrepancies that exist between a transsexual’s physical sex and identified gender), trans-mystification (when people use the relative infrequency or taboo nature of transsexuality to mystify, artificialize or to “other” transsexuals), and trans-interrogation (when people bring a transsexual’s identified gender into question by asking them to answer personal questions about their life story, their motives for transitioning, medical procedures they have undertaken, or when they obsess over what causes transsexuality - such questions reduce transsexuals to the status of objects of inquiry)."
Very few trans*women that I know have reclaimed this term.
Some tranny-chasers are abusive, some will try to control the transitions of the trans*folk close to them, others are just privileged.
"Tranny-chaser" is not reclaimable as it is not referring to a marginalized group, but to a oppressive group who prey on a marginalized group; just as misogynist and killer are not reclaimable.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A bit about me being transsexual and how I experience this...
I'm a transsexual guy--and before anyone starts on about upholding gender binaries or butch lesbians or whatnot--I am somewhere on the feminine side of androgynous or geeky.
I am, in fact, definitely more of a flaming faggot than I am, or ever was, a butch dyke.
Sometimes I like to call myself a geeky, flaming fag.
When I tell my friends some folks' theories about how trans*guys are really butch lesbians...well lets just say that I have learned to make sure this is in a place and time where excess laughter is not going to cause us any trouble (for instance, never again will I tell a friend this while she is driving; never again).
I'm not transsexual because I think it's cool or because I want attention.
Being transsexual has caused, and is still causing, a lot of pain for me and I am still trying to be able to consistently take pride in being transsexual.
And while, like most people, I do rather like attention--this is definitely not the way I go about gaining it.
I also don't think that I am delusional or crazy. because I'm trans*, nor that I am trans* because I'm crazy (and I resent the ableist crap that calling people crazy represents).
But anyways, here is a post I wrote a few weeks prior regarding how I experience transsexuality; what being transsexual means to me.
The other day Emily posted on what being trans* means for her.
And I can see some similarities between our meanings, like I experience the body dissociation as well and, just like with her, the intensity rises and falls. Given that everyone experiences things differently and I think there are different types of trans*ism, there are differences between our accounts as well (though reading her post, I see nothing there that is 'wrong' for me, only a few experiences that I haven't had and/or are more specific to trans*women).
For me, being transsexual is that there is a constant wrongness to everything and that it generally becomes worse when I am am made aware of my body and voice. There is a constant slice of despair in my life that has been present for as long as I can remember and it has never gone completely away. I can ignore it for awhile and it isn't always completely noticeable, but it's my ever-present companion.
This isn't to say that I have always despaired or that I hate being transsexual. No, I can often ignore the wrongness (especially if I'm around people who see me as a guy and if I'm not made aware of certain parts of my body) and I think I have experienced and seen valuable things in ways I never would have if I was cissexual. And what I mean by “made aware of” is that while I am always aware of my body and how it's shaped I'm not always aware of it; I know it's there but I don't really pay attention to both my body and my gender dissonance.
I'm currently reading Whipping Girl and her description of body dissonance fits me well. “This gender dissonance can manifest itself itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted. But mostly of all, it felt like sadness to me—a sort of gender sadness—a chronic and persistent grief over the fact that I felt so wrong in my body.” (85)
I feel the same way, even the insomnia (the other night I didn't even bother going to bed as I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep).
And that's just the physical aspect.
The social dissonance—the dissonance of not being viewed as what/who you see yourself—is rather like a mixture of confusion (how can they not see that I am a man?), annoyance (gah, stop bothering me about this and just respect my truth!), and shame/guilt (what am I doing/not doing to make them see me as something I'm not?).
I see myself one way and yet society treats me as though I were another way.
ETA: I've been thinking about this some more and another thing that happens when someone misgenders me is that I am suddenly thrust back into awareness of how wrong my body is. I'll be fine and then, suddenly, BAM! "Missy" and with that comes the shame and the anger and the confusion and I am reminded that my body doesn't fit.
It's like this story I heard once where, to give the kids a lesson about seeing things from others' points of view, a teacher put an item on a desk and one side was black and the other was white. The two kids who volunteered to debate the color of the item each saw a completely different color and they had to switch places before they could agree.
I see myself as male and, while I know that I have a vagina and other assigned-female parts, I have a hard time seeing how those somehow make me a female/woman. The people who insist that I am a woman see only that I have female-assigned parts and that I have been raised by people who saw me as a girl and they can't see how I can argue with this. The people who read me as female-assigned get confused because they see someone who has mostly female-assigned secondary sex characteristics (and they assume primary as well); since most people are taught that primary+secondary sex characteristics=sex and gender they therefore think I am a girl/woman. Based off of their logic and their point of view, I realize that they aren't wrong. But based off of my logic and my point of view, I know that I am right as well.
And since we are talking about me, I think that my truth is more important than an external truth.
I guess some of this comes down to whether you believe in absolute truth or not. While I don't believe there is an absolute truth of everything, I am not sure if there are no absolute truths; just as I am not sure if I believe in free will or if I'm a Determinist or some form of mix or something else entirely. Truth be told, I don't usually care as the answer will not directly affect me or my actions (though I do ponder Big Questions like these, I simply don't see the answer itself as all that important).
Before I get too off topic, more on my experience as a transsexual...
I don't really identify as trans* or transsexual—at least, my gender identity and my subconscious sex are male/man. I identify as transsexual/trans* because that is how others see and classify me. It is an identity forged through a life lived with a certain medical condition and how I have been mistaken for and had to pretend to be something and someone I was not.
And yet...I'm not planning on going stealth; I out myself fairly often and I have little problem doing so. I suppose this might change when I eventually medically and legally transition and begin to pass more as a cissexual guy, but I pass fairly well among the geeks I often hang out with. It isn't unheard of, or in some circles all that uncommon, for geeks, nerds, and other social outcasts to fail at being the stereotypical man. Despite my feminine facial features, lack of stature, and high voice, I often pass among those of the Gamers club and any guest brought to it's meetings or events.
Yet even though I pass well I still out myself with little hesitation.
In my utopia, people could choose to treat their trans*ism the same way I treat mine, but without ever having to worry because someone chooses to disrespect their truth. They could casually mention how they lived in an all-female-assigned dormitory, how much they hate going to the gynecologist, or how itchy bras are and it would be like someone with bad knees mentioning that they have to remember to bring their cane with them because the weather is getting icky (and that tends to trigger some people's, such as my boyfriend's, joint problems). They'll get a couple questions (why were you in the girls' dorm?) and then people will move on because it really isn't that exciting; the hacked copy of Guitar Hero 3 that got out before the game was released is a much more interesting topic to the group.
I keep focusing more on how transsexuality affects me externally and not what it feels like and means internally.
I think it's because I've never felt like my body and my mind weren't constantly disagreeing with what should and shouldn't be there. How can I describe something if I can't tell where it begins, where it ends, and where other things are?
I have felt a “phantom penis” before, both before and after I stopped denying that I'm a guy. I remember, sometime before I was four (as I know it was before my sister was born and she was born just after my fourth birthday), that while I was in the bath I'd pretend I had a penis. I remember all those times being confused when I reach to scratch or adjust something that isn't there. I also get confused sometimes when I am reminded that my chest isn't flat. I'll be doing something, like carrying a box, and I'll wonder why, just for an instant before I remember, the box doesn't sit against my chest like it should.
I'm getting better at coping with the dissonance though... “I am a guy, my body is me/mine, and therefore my body is that of a guy” helps me a lot. Other people, like my friends and my boyfriend, seeing me as a guy and yet knowing about and even seeing or touching the parts of me that are pretty much universally assigned-female also helps a great deal.
I do not feel as though I am ”trapped in a woman's body” or “born in the wrong body” though. This is my body. everything but sex-specific differences (I mean things like genitals and voice; not generalities like height or gender expression) feels alright. I do feel a connection to my body and I doubt I'm a walk-in or any other form of “this body doesn't belong to me”. I feel as though my body simply did not develop into the right shape.
Like I'm a rhombus that's been molded to almost be a square and so I no longer fit through either the square or rhombus holes of life. ...And that is an horridamusing analogy I hope no one ever remembers that I made it.
There I went again, talking about other people and how that shapes my meanings and truths; and after-all, shouldn't I learn to love myself without basing my worth or that love on what other people think of me? Yet most of our experiences are shaped and formed by our interactions with others.
Moreover, when you are told constantly that you are crazy, you are a girl because you have xyz parts, that you will never be seen as a guy it most definitely helps to have the voices of others to counteract those lies that you may have started to believe about yourself.
I think the core of my transsexuality/trans*ism, though it doesn't sound as philosophical or as Emily's meaning for trans*ism, is that of a medical condition that sets me against what many people say about myself and my truths. Because of this I've developed an identity around it, but for me being transsexual is that my body and my mind don't match up.
I feel though that this was a lot of words and a lot of rambling tangents to say something so simple...I almost want to come up with something different, something for profound or political, yet I know that my being transsexual is simply this.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One of my many rants in Q_R:
This was written about this guy who I used to consider a friend. We hung out a lot and at first I thought he was just ignorant and the type of creepy jerk that a lot of geeks are (you know, a person who acts like a asshole/creep but still a cool guy and a good person), but eventually I realized that he was just an asshole creep (he later tried to molest my friend while she was drunk. He then went around telling everyone that they had a one-night-stand and even now says she came on to him first). He outed me to practically everyone in the first few weeks of our freshman year; I had people whose name I didn't even know come up to me and ask me about hormones and if I had surgery yet (luckily everyone is pretty cool, but I was terrified when I first found out that practically everyone already knew).
He also went around telling folks I was just trying to get attention and he would then 'correct' people's pronouns.
Shut the fuck up
The men's room is not a "penis-only" room.
I sort of wish I could care that my going into the men's room makes you uncomfortable, but I guess I don't posses that gene. Since I do not wish to see you penis you do not need to worry about me walking to the other side of the bathroom and staring at you as you piss.
My genitals and/or hormone level does not change my gender. I am a guy, not a girl. I happened to missplace my penis and my voice never dropped. Those small details do not mean you can fuck my pronouns up all the time, tell everyone I'm not really a guy, or tell me that the reason I wasn't turned on by snuff porn is because "I'm still a girl".
To expand upon the above:
Your 'friends' are not sideshow attractions. Yeah, you think that girl is hot and you want to impress her or whatever. Introducing all your friends with a note as to their sexual orientation and gender identity is really not cool. "That is R, she, I mean 'he', is a really a transsexual. Next to her-him is the bisexual J."
Then telling us we were mean to her, because we were upset when she told us she "doesn't mind gay people so long as they don't touch her," is just plain fucking loathsome.
Furthermore, having someone I barely know going up to me and asking if I know when I am starting hormones is a little scary for someone who hasn't even come out to his parents and had only been somewhat out for a few months. Thanks again for telling everyone who I may come into contact with.
I like some porn, pictures, text, or video. I, like most guys, do not enjoy all porn genres. 'Chicks with dicks' and snuff do not turn me on. If I don't enjoy the couple of videos you put on for shits and giggles it doesn't mean I am any less male. Just because I like psychological torture more than pure physical torture does not make me a girl.
PS: Telling me my relationship is doomed is not nice. Telling me what a horrible boyfriend I am when you know I am down is really not nice.
It isn't my fault you are jealous because literally no one finds you attractive. Not even the angsty emo-boy who would go out with a rock if it found him attractive. That is right, contrary to your numerous statements, A wouldn't even hook up with you.
Maybe if you weren't such an asshole to everyone and their friends someone might be interested in you. So stop complaining to those of us in relationships. Especially stop taking bets as to when each couple will break up. And handing out bad advice.
