Friday, June 27, 2008

Perception

Everyone wants me to be something.
They all have some view of who or what I am or should be.
How I should act. Why I am who I am.
Most don't believe me when I say I know who and what I am.
They tell me I'm wrong, that I'm really w, x, y and not Me.
Many folks tell me they know why I am who I am.
I don't really know the whys, yet I can tell that theirs aren't true and are harmful to many.

My dad just thinks what I am is a phase. I suppose that's true. After all, when I die I won't be a man anymore but a spirit instead and who knows about my next life--I could be anything.
I don't think that's what he means though.
My mom thinks it's her fault; that she did something wrong to make me a man.
I don't see why it's so bad, so wrong, to be a man, to be transsexual.

My friends don't see anything wrong with me. They don't try to figure out why I'm a man anymore than they try to figure out why any of our other friends are men or women. They might think about what made them who they are, but it's different to look at yourself.
My cis*male boyfriend just sees the man he's in love with; I'm just shaped a bit differently than he is.

The religious riech tells me I'm a pervert, confused, and disordered. That I need to be made into a submissive, straight, Christian woman.

mAndrea, KA, Thebewilderness, Janice Raymond, and others like them think I'm a pervert, a traitor, disordered, or deceiving myself. That I need to make myself into an andro or masculine political lesbian,

But when I look at myself, I see a man, a geeky man. A man who is pretty sure of who he is, growing surer all the time, and trying to find his place in the world.
I see a guy who happens to mostly like other men, who likes weaving, reading, and making jewelry.
A man who likes feeling the Earth and hir energy; who will go outside when it's storming to feel the wind against his face.
A man who is in love with a great guy who is in love with him back.

I see a man who often feels invisible and misplaced in the world, but who is slowly learning to speak out and carve a place for himself.
And looking at me are the men I might become. The better men are coming closer all the time and the lesser men are fading from view.

I won't bow out and hide myself away again. I won't bow to the pressure of others and become a shadow of a man pretending to be a girl.
I won't listen when they say they know who I am and who I should be. I will ignore or laugh and ridicule those who presume to speak for me without listening.
I don't care why I am who I am; but I will tell you when your theories are wrong or harmful.

I will be supported by my boyfriend and friends and loved ones I have yet to meet; they see the man I am and the men I might be. I will follow my heart and soul and mind to where I should be.
Being myself and speaking my truths, no matter how they harm your theories, will do more for the universe and it's peoples than fading away and letting the minds and needs of others control me.

4 comments:

Andy said...

((hugs))

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I needed to read that today.

Drakyn said...

Thanks. ^.^
I think writing really helps me work through things.

Blockade Boy said...

(Found your blog through Queers United.)

I just wanted to chime in with a "Good for you!" It's clear to me that you have a good sense of who you are, and you have the courage to stick to your principles. It took me decades to get to that point. It's not always easy, but it's completely worth it. You've got a great life ahead of you.

GDad said...

I've been lurking for a while. I love your posts. You go!