I'm a transsexual guy--and before anyone starts on about upholding gender binaries or butch lesbians or whatnot--I am somewhere on the feminine side of androgynous or geeky.
I am, in fact, definitely more of a flaming faggot than I am, or ever was, a butch dyke.
Sometimes I like to call myself a geeky, flaming fag.
When I tell my friends some folks' theories about how trans*guys are really butch lesbians...well lets just say that I have learned to make sure this is in a place and time where excess laughter is not going to cause us any trouble (for instance, never again will I tell a friend this while she is driving; never again).
I'm not transsexual because I think it's cool or because I want attention.
Being transsexual has caused, and is still causing, a lot of pain for me and I am still trying to be able to consistently take pride in being transsexual.
And while, like most people, I do rather like attention--this is definitely not the way I go about gaining it.
I also don't think that I am delusional or crazy. because I'm trans*, nor that I am trans* because I'm crazy (and I resent the ableist crap that calling people crazy represents).
But anyways, here is a post I wrote a few weeks prior regarding how I experience transsexuality; what being transsexual means to me.
The other day Emily posted on what being trans* means for her.
And I can see some similarities between our meanings, like I experience the body dissociation as well and, just like with her, the intensity rises and falls. Given that everyone experiences things differently and I think there are different types of trans*ism, there are differences between our accounts as well (though reading her post, I see nothing there that is 'wrong' for me, only a few experiences that I haven't had and/or are more specific to trans*women).
For me, being transsexual is that there is a constant wrongness to everything and that it generally becomes worse when I am am made aware of my body and voice. There is a constant slice of despair in my life that has been present for as long as I can remember and it has never gone completely away. I can ignore it for awhile and it isn't always completely noticeable, but it's my ever-present companion.
This isn't to say that I have always despaired or that I hate being transsexual. No, I can often ignore the wrongness (especially if I'm around people who see me as a guy and if I'm not made aware of certain parts of my body) and I think I have experienced and seen valuable things in ways I never would have if I was cissexual. And what I mean by “made aware of” is that while I am always aware of my body and how it's shaped I'm not always aware of it; I know it's there but I don't really pay attention to both my body and my gender dissonance.
I'm currently reading Whipping Girl and her description of body dissonance fits me well. “This gender dissonance can manifest itself itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted. But mostly of all, it felt like sadness to me—a sort of gender sadness—a chronic and persistent grief over the fact that I felt so wrong in my body.” (85)
I feel the same way, even the insomnia (the other night I didn't even bother going to bed as I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep).
And that's just the physical aspect.
The social dissonance—the dissonance of not being viewed as what/who you see yourself—is rather like a mixture of confusion (how can they not see that I am a man?), annoyance (gah, stop bothering me about this and just respect my truth!), and shame/guilt (what am I doing/not doing to make them see me as something I'm not?).
I see myself one way and yet society treats me as though I were another way.
ETA: I've been thinking about this some more and another thing that happens when someone misgenders me is that I am suddenly thrust back into awareness of how wrong my body is. I'll be fine and then, suddenly, BAM! "Missy" and with that comes the shame and the anger and the confusion and I am reminded that my body doesn't fit.
It's like this story I heard once where, to give the kids a lesson about seeing things from others' points of view, a teacher put an item on a desk and one side was black and the other was white. The two kids who volunteered to debate the color of the item each saw a completely different color and they had to switch places before they could agree.
I see myself as male and, while I know that I have a vagina and other assigned-female parts, I have a hard time seeing how those somehow make me a female/woman. The people who insist that I am a woman see only that I have female-assigned parts and that I have been raised by people who saw me as a girl and they can't see how I can argue with this. The people who read me as female-assigned get confused because they see someone who has mostly female-assigned secondary sex characteristics (and they assume primary as well); since most people are taught that primary+secondary sex characteristics=sex and gender they therefore think I am a girl/woman. Based off of their logic and their point of view, I realize that they aren't wrong. But based off of my logic and my point of view, I know that I am right as well.
And since we are talking about me, I think that my truth is more important than an external truth.
I guess some of this comes down to whether you believe in absolute truth or not. While I don't believe there is an absolute truth of everything, I am not sure if there are no absolute truths; just as I am not sure if I believe in free will or if I'm a Determinist or some form of mix or something else entirely. Truth be told, I don't usually care as the answer will not directly affect me or my actions (though I do ponder Big Questions like these, I simply don't see the answer itself as all that important).
Before I get too off topic, more on my experience as a transsexual...
I don't really identify as trans* or transsexual—at least, my gender identity and my subconscious sex are male/man. I identify as transsexual/trans* because that is how others see and classify me. It is an identity forged through a life lived with a certain medical condition and how I have been mistaken for and had to pretend to be something and someone I was not.
And yet...I'm not planning on going stealth; I out myself fairly often and I have little problem doing so. I suppose this might change when I eventually medically and legally transition and begin to pass more as a cissexual guy, but I pass fairly well among the geeks I often hang out with. It isn't unheard of, or in some circles all that uncommon, for geeks, nerds, and other social outcasts to fail at being the stereotypical man. Despite my feminine facial features, lack of stature, and high voice, I often pass among those of the Gamers club and any guest brought to it's meetings or events.
Yet even though I pass well I still out myself with little hesitation.
In my utopia, people could choose to treat their trans*ism the same way I treat mine, but without ever having to worry because someone chooses to disrespect their truth. They could casually mention how they lived in an all-female-assigned dormitory, how much they hate going to the gynecologist, or how itchy bras are and it would be like someone with bad knees mentioning that they have to remember to bring their cane with them because the weather is getting icky (and that tends to trigger some people's, such as my boyfriend's, joint problems). They'll get a couple questions (why were you in the girls' dorm?) and then people will move on because it really isn't that exciting; the hacked copy of Guitar Hero 3 that got out before the game was released is a much more interesting topic to the group.
I keep focusing more on how transsexuality affects me externally and not what it feels like and means internally.
I think it's because I've never felt like my body and my mind weren't constantly disagreeing with what should and shouldn't be there. How can I describe something if I can't tell where it begins, where it ends, and where other things are?
I have felt a “phantom penis” before, both before and after I stopped denying that I'm a guy. I remember, sometime before I was four (as I know it was before my sister was born and she was born just after my fourth birthday), that while I was in the bath I'd pretend I had a penis. I remember all those times being confused when I reach to scratch or adjust something that isn't there. I also get confused sometimes when I am reminded that my chest isn't flat. I'll be doing something, like carrying a box, and I'll wonder why, just for an instant before I remember, the box doesn't sit against my chest like it should.
I'm getting better at coping with the dissonance though... “I am a guy, my body is me/mine, and therefore my body is that of a guy” helps me a lot. Other people, like my friends and my boyfriend, seeing me as a guy and yet knowing about and even seeing or touching the parts of me that are pretty much universally assigned-female also helps a great deal.
I do not feel as though I am ”trapped in a woman's body” or “born in the wrong body” though. This is my body. everything but sex-specific differences (I mean things like genitals and voice; not generalities like height or gender expression) feels alright. I do feel a connection to my body and I doubt I'm a walk-in or any other form of “this body doesn't belong to me”. I feel as though my body simply did not develop into the right shape.
Like I'm a rhombus that's been molded to almost be a square and so I no longer fit through either the square or rhombus holes of life. ...And that is an horridamusing analogy I hope no one ever remembers that I made it.
There I went again, talking about other people and how that shapes my meanings and truths; and after-all, shouldn't I learn to love myself without basing my worth or that love on what other people think of me? Yet most of our experiences are shaped and formed by our interactions with others.
Moreover, when you are told constantly that you are crazy, you are a girl because you have xyz parts, that you will never be seen as a guy it most definitely helps to have the voices of others to counteract those lies that you may have started to believe about yourself.
I think the core of my transsexuality/trans*ism, though it doesn't sound as philosophical or as Emily's meaning for trans*ism, is that of a medical condition that sets me against what many people say about myself and my truths. Because of this I've developed an identity around it, but for me being transsexual is that my body and my mind don't match up.
I feel though that this was a lot of words and a lot of rambling tangents to say something so simple...I almost want to come up with something different, something for profound or political, yet I know that my being transsexual is simply this.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A bit about me being transsexual and how I experience this...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The last of my old q_r rants
I am tired of radical feminists who try to defend the pure hatred towards trans*people that is shown by either themselves and/or by their peers.
We trans*people do not "actively seek to ultimately destroy feminism from within". Our theories and activism are not "a woman-hating one, and its ultimate goal is the continuing subordination of women."
We are not a monolith out to get women, feminists, or even radical feminists.
Trans*women are not men; Trans*men are not women. If you can't accept this you are a bigot. Full stop. End of story.
I'm sorry if your hate has poisoned you enough that you believe that, "men-in-drag, ‘gentle’ men, liberal men have always seduced women in large numbers, because they lie, and pretend they are on our side, they pretend they are ‘one of us’, but they are not. They lie."
I'm not sorry to say this: you are wrong.
Trans*women are women; they are not deceiving or lying to you.
Your theories, as you have explained them, do not fit me, my life, or the lives and identities of many trans*people.
This is not our gorram fault.
If our existence breaks your dogma, you need to look more closely and/or change your theories.
DO NOT try to come up with some stupid conspiracy about how we are out to get you and your little dog.
Your theories do not work for me.
It doesn't matter if I look at the place in your theories for men, women, trans*men, or trans*women.
I do not fit.
My friends do not fit; trans*, cis*, or other.
Your theories, at least as you and yours explain them, must therefore be in need of change.
This isn't bad, theories are always in need of change.
We are not Gods, we are not all-knowing.
If your theory was perfect it would be a law.
Telling you this is not anti-feminist, it is not anti-women.
We do not support the patriarchy by being ourselves or by showing you where you are wrong.
Some of what you say to describe us is exactly the same as what the religious right says about us.
Pointing this out, even in comic format, is not anti-feminst.
No matter what you say, critiquing an ideology is not the same as critiquing an identity.
Mujihina [Heart], you have had over fifty years of white, heterosexual, and cis* privilege.
The only one of those I have is white privilege and, unlike you, I at least try to unpack it when I can.
You are not the only victim in the world.
You are not every woman.
Get over yourself.
Another thing:
I am a man who was assigned female at birth.
Not a women, female-born person, butch, female, lesbian, or "a trans".
I am a man, guy, dude, male, or a trans*man.
I was never a woman, girl, or female.
Other people thought I was and, for a while, they convinced me too.
But that doesn't mean I was or am female.
And I will not give up my rights or my identity so that YOU can be more comfortable.
Nor will I pretend to be something I am not to protect your dogma.
Obligatory disclaimer: Yes, I know not all feminists or radfems are the same. I am talking about a specific group of radfems that include published authors such as Janice Raymond; not every radfem in existance.
Unfortunately, either a vocal minority or a large percentage of those who identify as radfems are transphobic/cissexist and people tend to associate transphobia with radical feminism.
By the way, everything in quotes is an actual quote; no paraphrasing or summarizing here.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Internalized
"…Susan has said all along that she’s not like other transgender people. She feels uncomfortable even looking at some, “like I’m seeing a bunch of men in dresses.”"
"Two years ago, when Steve first told me he was going to make this change, I was angry," Donna says. "But now I don't feel anger. I feel like being a transsexual is a disability. And it's hard to be angry with someone because they're disabled."-Donna Stanton
"I was a good city manager. I know I was. I had high expectations and held people responsible for achieving results," Susan says. "I could've made it work. I'm not some drag queen in a pink miniskirt with 6-inch heels. And I'm not Aunt Bee."
"I've never been a man. What man would want to cut off his balls?" Susan asks. "And I wasn't born a woman, so I can never be a real one."
You know Susan, you may feel that you'll never be a real woman because you weren't born one or whatever, but I know I'm a real man. Just because folks thought I was a girl doesn't mean I'm not a man. Fuck you; I'm not surprised trans*folks boo you when you speak. You've internalized so much cissexism I'm surprised it isn't steaming out your ears.
And there's nothing wrong with drag queens, 6-inch heels, or pink miniskirts.
Not only is there passing-privilege, cissexism, and ableism, there is also classism and sexism! After all, who is it that is often portrayed as being the `slutty, hyper-feminine tranny'?
Sex workers and other 'low class' trans*women.
She isn't like those people, she is rich and therefor isn't going to be all tacky and shit. /sarcasm
This whole article feels like it was written jokingly as a companion to Whipping Girl; since Ms. Serano describes articles like this and the views shown perfectly. I'm thinking that I'll write a review of WG with this article as proof... But maybe not, I don't know.
Here, in LJ transgender, is a discussion on the article.
And here is the article I'm quoting.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Here is me affirming my gender:
Around this time (I think) anti-trans* feminists were actually mentioning trans*guys; obviously, they knew/know about as much about trans*guys as they know about trans*women. I think I was also upset at the tranny-chasers who were posting on ftm and the guys who were defending objectifying/fetishizing trans*folk/trans*guys. While I do think there is a way to be attracted to gender variant, third gender, genderqueer, obviously trans* folks, etc. without being objectifying/fetishizing, most of the folks I've seen really have been icky about it (I am not the "best of both worlds", fyi).
And I don't view myself as female, biologically female, third gender, butch, etc.
I am a man/guy who was incorrectly assigned female at birth and was incorrectly seen and viewed as female growing up. I am still misgendered as female by others even now.
I do believe that my transsexuality has a biological basis (I think the brain-sex theory really fits me for instance) and that I am biologically male. I realize that I have body parts that are often assigned-female, but I generally don't see them as female (even though I still have disphoria, I still don't see my vagina/chest as being female). I am male, my parts/body is mine/me, therefore my body/parts are also male. That is how I see myself (though other trans*folk can see their bodies/arts any way they like and I will respect their identities/views; as we are all different and have different experiences etc).
I am a man.
Yes, my parents thought I was a girl until I told them differently, but I am still a man.
Yes socialization plays a part in who I am.
Socialization does not make up my whole being.
I am a man.
I do not hate women.
My cismale friends do not hate women; don't lie and say they do.
I am a man.
Do not tell me I am not a man and instead am some subset of woman/some third gender because I lack a penis OR because people thought I was a girl.
Just shut up; I don't care if your trans*/butch SO agrees with you and your politics.
He may not be a man, but I am not him.
I am a man.
The difference that exists between me and cismen is merely physical; something that can be changed if I so desire.
I do not lie when I say I am a man and always have been.
I am not denying the truth when I object to being placed in a third gender category or with women.
My dating/fucking options are not limited to people who objectify and fetishize what they think I am.
There are people out there who see me as the person I am.
I am a real man.
Yes, I am in a gender category.
Yes, there are people out there who are attracted to me.
My gender?
Male.
Yay, more old posts few people ever read!
This is back when Rainsong/Renee was going as woman'sspace. Now I can recognize her style/arguments, but at the time I really didn't know much about her.
The blogs on blogspot give me so much awesome, and yet, so much bigotry
So, I've been reading a bunch of feminist blogs lately to procrastinate learn more about feminism, anti-racism theories, etc. I'm not reading the blogs of the bigots, but of course, I can't escape them. A new bigot appears on fetchmemyaxe.blogspot.com (who oddly enough, goes by womans'space. One of the other bigots blog is womensspace, who goes by Heart; though she says she isn't the same).
Ws'S: "I don't think that husbands and fathers who have said they are men, are women and I see them as annexing the lives of women. I feel this a grievous offense not unlike child molestation."
-Do I really need to say why this makes me upset? I mean, as a transguy I should be able to express outrage for this drivel.
Another blog, sexualambiguities.blogspot.com, the owner makes a post about the comments on FMMA. Womens'space shows up. (As does womensspace)
Ws'S: "I'm just not sympathetic to the trans movement or the trans identity. You all hurt and make invisible lot people that you aren't even aware of."
-O.O *goes back to throwing invisibility cloaks on people*
Heart: "I have said very explicitly that the trans movement is philosophically depraved. I acknowledge saying that. I have not stood in any kind of moral judgment of these people."
-We are at war with Eurasia. We have always been at war with Eurasia.
Ws'S: "As I said to an FTM on a feminist list once. 'You don’t care enough about women to be one, why are you here?'"
-WTF. Just because a guy doesn't identify as a woman, doesn't mean he doesn't care about "womens' issues" and/or equality.
Ws'S: "I said earlier masculinity is a disease and I assume that FTMs have want it and have caught [it]..."
-umm... Not all of [traditional, white, European] masculinity is bad. According to Wiki, masculinity can include practical, rational, trustworthy, leadership, objective, brave, etc.
Moreover, not all transguys follow societys' sex/gender roles. Most transpeople I've met make their own gender expression.
Being trans doesn't mean I want to be a guy, it means I am a guy.
To both Ws'S and Heart:
*A transwoman transitioning is nothing like blackface! STFUN00B!
*While some people may use 'passing' to mean "passing as a ____", I use it to mean "Passing as a cisguy."
*Not all transpeople follow gender/sex roles. Not all transpeople transition late in life. Not all transwomen were "husbands and fathers". Not all transpeople are white. not all transpeople were successful/rich before transitioning.
Please, ciswomen feminists. Stop speaking about things you know nothing about (trangenderism, transpeople, our definitions, etc.). Stop making judgments on these things you are ignorant about. Seriously, almost any page on transpeople says that gender identity != gender/sex roles.
Another Q_R rant
Here is another rant, this one was about people defending cissexist/transphobic bloggers like Heart. At this time I had stopped identifyig as a feminist in part because of feminists like Luckynckle, Delpyne_, Witchy Woo, etc.
Even now I am unsure if I really want to claim that label.
And outside of spaces/events specifically about going through childhood female-assigned or anything regarding female-assigned anatomy and/or birth/menstruation, I still see no reason for excluding trans*women.
A lot of the comments are interesting too so if you want to read them...
I love the smell of bigotry in the morning...
How come, whenever a feminist is called on her (or his) transphobia, shitlodes of people rally to her defense? They say SHIT like: "you don't know her!", "that's a gross mischaracterization of this blogger!!!", "she isn't hateful!!111", "OMG, stop stereotyping feminists!1eleventyone", ETC.
I am so sorry, but supporting people when they call transwomen SCAMs*, Buffalo Bills, and saying that to be a woman is to suffer XYZ and no man has ever suffered like that, IS TRANSPHOBIC!
BTW, if you looked at her list, you would see that many men have suffered what she says only women have ever suffered. But wait, she is immune from racism due to her black husbands and children, so she can ignore all implications of race.
Maybe, think on this, we trannies have reasons for disliking feminists? I mean, if they scorn us and tell us the exact same things dominionsts and other bigots tell us...
Transwomen are forced out of womens spaces, transmen are labeled as failed butches/feminists.
I get fucking mad when I see feminists telling each other, and sometimes justifying transphobia with this, that the "trans community" tends to be anti-feminist. There is nothing anti-feminist about being trans. Many of the trans-communities that I have seen include a lot of people who have been burned by feminists and hold an aversion similar to some people's distrust of christians.
I don't identify as a feminist anymore, in part, because of shit like this.
Honestly, STFU about us. People get pissed off when white feminists analyze race without POC there, yet I rarely see them say a word when cisgendered feminists go after transpeople.
If you want to say gender is a social construct and it will go away with the patriarchy, say it, I will laugh at you.
Yes, gender as the man/woman only thing many parts of the world has going on is a social construct, but there have always been some concept of gender. I know that gender is as real as biological sex, because I fucking experience it. I don't experience it because of some trauma or misogynistic viewpoints. And I definitely won't not experience it if you made everyone gender-neutral.
STFU and plzz DIAF.
*Surgically/Chemically Altered Males.
PS: I still don't see any reason for woman-born-woman only space. There is no common experience ALL women have that NO man has experienced.
Not all women menstruate or have kids. Not all men are immune to bigotry.
One of my many rants in Q_R:
This was written about this guy who I used to consider a friend. We hung out a lot and at first I thought he was just ignorant and the type of creepy jerk that a lot of geeks are (you know, a person who acts like a asshole/creep but still a cool guy and a good person), but eventually I realized that he was just an asshole creep (he later tried to molest my friend while she was drunk. He then went around telling everyone that they had a one-night-stand and even now says she came on to him first). He outed me to practically everyone in the first few weeks of our freshman year; I had people whose name I didn't even know come up to me and ask me about hormones and if I had surgery yet (luckily everyone is pretty cool, but I was terrified when I first found out that practically everyone already knew).
He also went around telling folks I was just trying to get attention and he would then 'correct' people's pronouns.
Shut the fuck up
The men's room is not a "penis-only" room.
I sort of wish I could care that my going into the men's room makes you uncomfortable, but I guess I don't posses that gene. Since I do not wish to see you penis you do not need to worry about me walking to the other side of the bathroom and staring at you as you piss.
My genitals and/or hormone level does not change my gender. I am a guy, not a girl. I happened to missplace my penis and my voice never dropped. Those small details do not mean you can fuck my pronouns up all the time, tell everyone I'm not really a guy, or tell me that the reason I wasn't turned on by snuff porn is because "I'm still a girl".
To expand upon the above:
Your 'friends' are not sideshow attractions. Yeah, you think that girl is hot and you want to impress her or whatever. Introducing all your friends with a note as to their sexual orientation and gender identity is really not cool. "That is R, she, I mean 'he', is a really a transsexual. Next to her-him is the bisexual J."
Then telling us we were mean to her, because we were upset when she told us she "doesn't mind gay people so long as they don't touch her," is just plain fucking loathsome.
Furthermore, having someone I barely know going up to me and asking if I know when I am starting hormones is a little scary for someone who hasn't even come out to his parents and had only been somewhat out for a few months. Thanks again for telling everyone who I may come into contact with.
I like some porn, pictures, text, or video. I, like most guys, do not enjoy all porn genres. 'Chicks with dicks' and snuff do not turn me on. If I don't enjoy the couple of videos you put on for shits and giggles it doesn't mean I am any less male. Just because I like psychological torture more than pure physical torture does not make me a girl.
PS: Telling me my relationship is doomed is not nice. Telling me what a horrible boyfriend I am when you know I am down is really not nice.
It isn't my fault you are jealous because literally no one finds you attractive. Not even the angsty emo-boy who would go out with a rock if it found him attractive. That is right, contrary to your numerous statements, A wouldn't even hook up with you.
Maybe if you weren't such an asshole to everyone and their friends someone might be interested in you. So stop complaining to those of us in relationships. Especially stop taking bets as to when each couple will break up. And handing out bad advice.
'Ello!!!
Okay, so over the next few days I'm going to keep adding links and blogs (if you have a site you want to suggest I link to, just comment with the url) and I'll also be posting my blog posts from my eljay and from queer_rage and tranny_rage. I've uploaded my posts to my new insnanejournal (yes, I also do not like the name or mental illness being used as a joke/gimmkick, but it'll do for a back-up as greatestjournal sucks almost as bad as eljay and the other LJclones are still using codes) I also saved all my posts and comments on my computer with
LJArchive.
Already I am missing having icons though, I like being able to add a little bit extra to my posts and comments.
